Anyone up for a review on a Statement of Purpose?


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Yosha! Hahah. I know Neowin has it all. That's why I'm coming to look for some aid. I'm applying for a Fullbright scholarship and I need to do my Statement of Purpose. I just really do not know the place someone can help me review: coherence problem, what they like or don't, etc.

 

Here's a rough draft of the SoP:

 

Statement of Purpose

Creating, and/or improving upon proven concepts or ideas that break the mold and truthfully improve people

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Yosha! Hahah. I know Neowin has it all. That's why I'm coming to look for some aid. I'm applying for a Fullbright scholarship and I need to do my Statement of Purpose. I just really do not know the place someone can help me review: coherence problem, what they like or don't, etc.

 

Here's a rough draft of the SoP:

 

Statement of Purpose

Creating, and/or improving upon proven concepts or ideas that break the mold and truthfully improve people

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Brief review, currently @ work so couldn't be more thorough, part cyan, just needs to be better written.

edit: adding some on the go.

 

Edit2: Not to be harsh, but this needs work.

Excellent :D 

 

Much obliged! 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Draconian, I am very pleased with your help. I have now redone (almost entirely) the SoP to better fit the standards. Here's an updated draft:

 

Statement Of Purpose

Since I had use of reason I had great admiration for my grandfather. He was the hero of my family. He was able to maintain us united even when things were not doing so well. He would take us to trips around the world, talk about his previous adventures, and aid use economically whenever we needed it. I had the blessing of been his first grandchild. My grandfather had great affection on me: he would teach me about general culture, take me on special trips, pay for summer camps, and purchase me clothes and toys. He was an architect, and a very renowned one: he was awarded as second generation architect by Arquitexto (Official Dominican Architecture Magazine). Seeing how he developed his life, I was inspired by him to become a civil engineer (I was more adept with numbers than visual designs). Through his recommendation, based on his experience, and predictions, I have decided on specializing in construction management.

 

Nowadays systems are being computerized, even small buildings, like one level houses, are aided by computer design. This specialization involves in orchestrating machinery through computerized systems by modeling the process involved in real-life scenarios. Through this program I am planning on acquiring the basic knowledge needed to learn this computerized processes that will later on help create paths to new opportunities that might create windows for development of my country.

 

It is said that the best way to learn is by teaching. When I was 13 I would create my own tests and share them with my classmates before the monthly exams. The tests would contain all the content that the teacher emphasized and the courseware

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