joke Australian Bar Scene

[Ice_Blue]

A man walks into his crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling:
"Who's the bastard here who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts;
"You don't have enough ammo, mate!"

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge…He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks, "Tell me, why do you keep pouring beer into your hand?" The other man replies, "I'm getting my date drunk."
------------------------------------------

 

A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc. About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer". The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.
He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

-------------------------------------------

 

My wife and I went to the State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ... You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

-----------------------------------------------

 

Four British soldiers were captured by the Iranians, branded as spies and sentenced to death by firing squad. The quartet consisted of a Welshman,an Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman They were each given one last wish. The fellow from Wales said he would like to hear a thousand-voice Welsh choir sing Land of my Fathers.

The Irish chappie said he?d like to see a Thousand Irish men and woman do the Irish River Dance.

The Scot asked for a Thousand Scottish bagpipers to play "The Flower of Scotland".

Finally, when the Englishman asked what he wanted for his last wish he replied: "Please shoot me first."

 

 

[The Evil Overlord]

Four British soldiers were captured by the Iranians, branded as spies and sentenced to death by firing squad. The quartet consisted of a Welshman,an Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman They were each given one last wish. The fellow from Wales said he would like to hear a thousand-voice Welsh choir sing Land of my Fathers.

The Irish chappie said he?d like to see a Thousand Irish men and woman do the Irish River Dance.

The Scot asked for a Thousand Scottish bagpipers to play "The Flower of Scotland".

Finally, when the Englishman asked what he wanted for his last wish he replied: "Please shoot me first."

:rofl:

[Turk.]

An Aussie duck called Dick walks into a bar in St Kilda. Says to the bar tender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck Dick leaves.
Next day, the duck Dick walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck Dick leaves.
Next day, the duck Dick walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck Dick leaves.
Next day, the duck Dick walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have nails." Duck Dick asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"

Dick

[+Anarkii Subscriber²]

As an Aussie
I approve of OPs jokes.