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Questions about cold approaching girls....


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#1 DaDude

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 02:21

I've been a shy guy all my life and because of that, I've never asked girls out and never dated. But now, I'm finally putting in a lot of effort now into overcoming my problem. I joined this group at meetup.com and a few pick up artists are helping and pushing me to start talking to random girls at the park. Right now, they're starting me off slow by not having me ask any girls out yet, but just simply talking to them. They're telling me to just approach women and just have a friendly conversation by saying things like, "hi, where are you from?" and then have a conversation from there. With enough push and encouragement, they finally got me to do that with a bunch of women at the park. A good number of the girls were surprisingly friendly while some were downright cold and tried to ignore me. And that's what has been bugging me to death lately.... the cold shoulder treatment that a few women were giving me. I mean, it's ok if you don't want to talk, but I don't think they need to be rude about it. I don't know how long I can keep trying to do this because the cold shoulder treatment (even though it may happen only 20% of the time) feels humiliating and demoralizing.

So for those of you guys that cold approach women and ask them out... does this problem happen to you a lot? Is this something that becomes less bothersome with time? And does it get easier to approach women the more you do it?




#2 +Audien

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 02:27

I don't think walking up to random people in a park is going to get you very far.  Have you tried online dating?  



#3 conna

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 02:35

Keep practicing. Think of the cold shoulder ones as the ones you don't want. Do you really want to be with a girl if she cannot even be social or is that stuck up. Pass them by and move on the the next. Smile because you didn't have to wast time with them. Plenty of fish in the sea.



#4 Praetor

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 03:06

there was a video somewhere where a guy and a girl where talking with random people in the park, asking them numbers, in the same amount of time. It was shown that, while both weren't ugly at all, the girl was getting an huge amount of numbers while increasing her confidence; inversely the guy was getting much less numbers as time passed by because the rejection was affecting his confidence. in the end the girl got much more numbers then him and the guy had his confidence broken in this exercise. i don't know were you did pull the numbers (20% it's kind of subjective, isn't? if you are very good looking and healthy then you will get rejected less if you look like Steve Urkel).

 

What does it mean? Rejection is a natural part of life; while some will be nasty then others, the secret is not to take it personal. Talking with random girls in the park sounds creepy to me; i would find a relaxed but conversation friendly zone like a bar. Also it helps to talk with a woman without being alone; have your friends with you, in a bar, so when a woman sees you she will see that you are social, not a creepy stalker lonely guy type. Have confidence to start a conversation with her, making her smile but try not to be someone else but you (like don't talk about politics or the conflict of Israel to try to impress her because most people will find that off; on the other hand if she talks about her accounting job and how much she likes it and you have a similar passion for accounting then it's OK to talk about it).

 

It's very important to know what you want: do you want to have female friends, to meet a woman, to have casual sex? because there's a place and opportunity for all of those, so important to know that if you go to a church to meet womans it's gonna be a damn hard to have casual sex with them, but you might get some great friends in there; if you pickup a girl in a bar or a discotheque in the summer when she is all drunk then most likely it won't be to have a nice chat with her...

 

Finally, most people in a park don't want to be bothered: if you think about it, would you like to be there relaxing while someone would just appearer from nowhere and start talking with you? Most of the times it's not the time or the place: you can meet great people in conventions, in bookstores, in the church and great skanks in the new years eve or deep in a summer night in some random club: it's all about of what you want.



#5 +ChuckFinley

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 08:55

I don't think walking up to random people in a park is going to get you very far.  Have you tried online dating?  

 

It will help alot more than you think! It is a massive confidence booster for some people. Honesty. 

 

To the OP this is my area of expertise, I have helped TONS of people with this kind of thing. I will reply in detail later. I cant right now.....



#6 Nick H.

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 09:08

I'd be a bit surprised if someone approached me in the street and out of no where said, "hi, where are you from?"

Personally I need to have something to ask them. Maybe throw in a complement at the same time. "Excuse me, but that's a lovely dress. I need to buy something for my sister's birthday soon, can you tell me where you bought it?" Basically, you're not focusing on the person at the beginning, and that seems to put people at ease. From there you can say, "so sorry, my name is <X>. Say, would you like to grab a coffee sometime?"

That said, I rarely approach random people with the intention of getting their number. I normally just like to instigate a chat to pass the time that I'm spending in the area.

#7 +ChuckFinley

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 09:14

OK so, The where you from example is a bit rubbish to be honest. Most likely if they ask say in a big city that is what the answer is going to be. Also it sets alarm bells off. Maybe stopping asking for directions to a place, or what time is it or doing some kind of survey about the area would be better. 



#8 Earthworm_Jim

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 09:16

Personally, I say that cold approaching might desensitize you.

I say, working on yourself, and getting rid of the reasons that make you feel discomfort when talking to people is much better long term strategy.

However, if all you need to learn, that rejection is OK, then by all means, go for it.



#9 watkinsx2

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 09:18

Regarding the cold shoulder thing - some people are just like that or you might just have caught them at a bad time. I wouldn't take that personally.

 

Also - starting with that line might come across as a bit creepy to some people.



#10 +InsaneNutter

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 09:36

A good number of the girls were surprisingly friendly while some were downright cold and tried to ignore me. And that's what has been bugging me to death lately.... the cold shoulder treatment that a few women were giving me. I mean, it's ok if you don't want to talk, but I don't think they need to be rude about it. I don't know how long I can keep trying to do this because the cold shoulder treatment (even though it may happen only 20% of the time) feels humiliating and demoralizing.


Anyone who has an attitude like that is probably not someone you want to be associating with anyway.

Have a watch of some of the videos here: SimplePickup - some of the earlier ones are pretty funny and some offer serious advice.



#11 glen8

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 10:24

You see this is where you're going wrong

 

It's all about me, me, me....the girl is ignoring me, so it much be me, she's being rude, so it must be me

 

erm, no

 

They might be rude because they are stressed, have relationship issues themselves, or a million other reasons.  How about thinking about them rather than yourself?

 

be nice to them, think about them, rather than always beating yourself up with the negatives.  If they say no, hey guess what, your not gods gift so not every woman is gonna like you.  Forget and move on.  Tell yourself she has missed out on you, not the other way around.  You need confidence dude.



#12 +ChuckFinley

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Posted 29 August 2014 - 22:11

Hey! So as I promised I would reply later,

 

It just so happens you have got me at a good time, I have just moved into an amazing new place, So my first evening will be beer, Pizza , TV and replying to you. So like most I started many years back by reading The Game with the simple view of at that time I was willing to try anything at all, I dedicated a good few years to similar pursuits you have outlined in your first post and by dedicated I mean DEDICATED!!!! so I feel like I can offer some insight and can be a leading authority on the subject and well I have been in real life. Now I don't even recognise myself lets say pre game. I cant begin to imagine what my life would be like. I certainly would NOT be sat here right now, Maybe on the other side of the world as far away from you geographically and mentally as possible. Some of the things I have experience I cant begin to explain. Alas everyone has to start somewhere.....You start HERE!!! Right now. 

 

So if this information is disjointed its because I have got up to get a beer and had a brainwave about an inte

 

resting anecdote, tale, theory, fact that I am going to tell you right here right now. 

 

I have SO MANY notes that I have from over the years. Things that I have wrote to people about this. Emails, Documents, Evidence, Tools for the job. Routines etc....So much as to say that I gave it to a now close friend on a CD ALL in an encrypted volume and told him to look after it if ever I should need anything from that again. I know that if I have to ask him something has come up. otherwise he is welcome to also to use it all he had to do was ask for the password. He asked for it but he doesn't GET IT like most others I come across. 

 

Your question is quite simple to answer but the path you are going down IS NOT. 

 

The simple answer is that, People are so wrapped up in what they have going on at the minute in THEIR life's that they don't have time for you simple. You might have caught them at a bad time, They may have been dumped, They may have failed a test or a job interview didn't go well or waiting for the phone to ring to hear about the job interview, Would you want to talk to a complete stranger if you had just been dumped, Sat there all alone trying to figure out what went wrong, not knowing where to go or who to turn to, I mean I would but then I am weird like that and I love talking to people (Most of the time :laugh: ), But I like me so I cant complain. It takes someone a bit unhinged to get where I am today but that's a different story..... :laugh:  :shiftyninja: if I was a gambling man and I am .....Most likely as well its your body language that makes you strike out more often than not but we will work on that, Right?? ..... 

 

You mention and I quote "humiliating and demoralizing" ... to who? You? ... Get over it.....Infact embrace it. There is no stronger man than been humiliated then walking away if like nothing happened. Laugh it off. Learn to fight another day. Infact it bothers them more if you walk away laughing it off, Why do you think that is? ......Infact its one of the many rules that you MUST internalize to even make it in this cruel harsh world. Be unaffected by things.... 

 

Depends on your motivation for doing it? Should I guess or are you going to post why and I can tailor some specific advice.....Things to read and do, Things to listen to etc....

 

 

 



#13 Nick H.

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Posted 30 August 2014 - 00:01

People are so wrapped up in what they have going on at the minute in THEIR life's that they don't have time for you simple.

Now that is something we could all stand to appreciate. We're all caught in the situation of "me." Plenty of times I have had friends approach me with a problem of their own, and while I sit there and listen to them I'm also possibly thinking, "I feel for your situation, but I have my own problems right now."
 

Would you want to talk to a complete stranger if you had just been dumped, Sat there all alone trying to figure out what went wrong, not knowing where to go or who to turn to, I mean I would but then I am weird like that and I love talking to people (Most of the time :laugh: )

Heh, we seem to be similar in that respect. A small anecdote of mine happened the other day: I flew with my sister to the UK to help her set up her classroom for her first year as a teacher. When we got done with preparing the classroom I said, "let's go and get a drink. Where do you suggest?" Her response was that she hadn't been out yet. I took her in to town and we found a lovely pub to have a beer. When I stepped outside for a smoke, a couple of people asked me a quick question because they hadn't seen me before. After a few minutes I dragged my sister outside to join us, and these people had some great information about the area that she has moved in to. How did it happen? I enjoy making random conversation with people I don't know.
 

Laugh it off.

It's advice that I always offer, but I only seem to be able to follow it in the worst situations (namely confrontation), certainly not this particular type of scenario. :laugh: But still, it always applies. You have to have a sense of humour about yourself to get through some situations. Give it a go, and if you fail just laugh about it and continue on.
Actually, time for another small anecdote that ties in nicely to this situation: I have a friend who is...a tad socially awkward when it comes to speaking in English. His language skills are perfect, he just doesn't necessarily read the situation right. Anyway, one evening myself, him and another friend were in the pub when it was quite busy and he turned to my friend and said, "I don't understand. How do you start a conversation with someone that you're interested in?" My friend turned to me and said, "Nick, give him an example."
I scanned the room and saw a table of attractive girls. I counted the numbers, turned to the bar and said, "Eddie, get me...10 shots of baby guinness." The shot is important to remember, because it has a nice sweet taste and isn't threatening in the slightest. The barman passed me the tray and I walked over, set them down and said, "here you go girls, compliments of the bar." The girls thanked me, and we all took a shot. Finishing, I said, "so, you girls must be university students from round the corner, right?"
"Yep, we sure are" they all replied.
"Excellent stuff, what are you studying?" I asked.
"Sociology."
"Bugger," I said. I wished them well and walked back to my friends laughing. :laugh:

As an aside, congrats on the new place. I'm sat in my sister's new apartment at the moment, and I'm envious of her. Why couldn't my first flat have been this nice?! :laugh:

#14 Praetor

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Posted 30 August 2014 - 00:08

As an aside, congrats on the new place. I'm sat in my sister's new apartment at the moment, and I'm envious of her. Why couldn't my first flat have been this nice?! :laugh:

 

Is your sister younger then you? If yes then it's pretty normal..  :laugh:  :D



#15 +ChuckFinley

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Posted 01 September 2014 - 19:00

Shame the OP has gone! I was looking forward to how he was getting on......