Questions about cold approaching girls....


Recommended Posts

I've been a shy guy all my life and because of that, I've never asked girls out and never dated. But now, I'm finally putting in a lot of effort now into overcoming my problem. I joined this group at meetup.com and a few pick up artists are helping and pushing me to start talking to random girls at the park. Right now, they're starting me off slow by not having me ask any girls out yet, but just simply talking to them. They're telling me to just approach women and just have a friendly conversation by saying things like, "hi, where are you from?" and then have a conversation from there. With enough push and encouragement, they finally got me to do that with a bunch of women at the park. A good number of the girls were surprisingly friendly while some were downright cold and tried to ignore me. And that's what has been bugging me to death lately.... the cold shoulder treatment that a few women were giving me. I mean, it's ok if you don't want to talk, but I don't think they need to be rude about it. I don't know how long I can keep trying to do this because the cold shoulder treatment (even though it may happen only 20% of the time) feels humiliating and demoralizing.

So for those of you guys that cold approach women and ask them out... does this problem happen to you a lot? Is this something that becomes less bothersome with time? And does it get easier to approach women the more you do it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Keep practicing. Think of the cold shoulder ones as the ones you don't want. Do you really want to be with a girl if she cannot even be social or is that stuck up. Pass them by and move on the the next. Smile because you didn't have to wast time with them. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

there was a video somewhere where a guy and a girl where talking with random people in the park, asking them numbers, in the same amount of time. It was shown that, while both weren't ugly at all, the girl was getting an huge amount of numbers while increasing her confidence; inversely the guy was getting much less numbers as time passed by because the rejection was affecting his confidence. in the end the girl got much more numbers then him and the guy had his confidence broken in this exercise. i don't know were you did pull the numbers (20% it's kind of subjective, isn't? if you are very good looking and healthy then you will get rejected less if you look like Steve Urkel).

 

What does it mean? Rejection is a natural part of life; while some will be nasty then others, the secret is not to take it personal. Talking with random girls in the park sounds creepy to me; i would find a relaxed but conversation friendly zone like a bar. Also it helps to talk with a woman without being alone; have your friends with you, in a bar, so when a woman sees you she will see that you are social, not a creepy stalker lonely guy type. Have confidence to start a conversation with her, making her smile but try not to be someone else but you (like don't talk about politics or the conflict of Israel to try to impress her because most people will find that off; on the other hand if she talks about her accounting job and how much she likes it and you have a similar passion for accounting then it's OK to talk about it).

 

It's very important to know what you want: do you want to have female friends, to meet a woman, to have casual sex? because there's a place and opportunity for all of those, so important to know that if you go to a church to meet womans it's gonna be a damn hard to have casual sex with them, but you might get some great friends in there; if you pickup a girl in a bar or a discotheque in the summer when she is all drunk then most likely it won't be to have a nice chat with her...

 

Finally, most people in a park don't want to be bothered: if you think about it, would you like to be there relaxing while someone would just appearer from nowhere and start talking with you? Most of the times it's not the time or the place: you can meet great people in conventions, in bookstores, in the church and great skanks in the new years eve or deep in a summer night in some random club: it's all about of what you want.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think walking up to random people in a park is going to get you very far.  Have you tried online dating?  

 

It will help alot more than you think! It is a massive confidence booster for some people. Honesty. 

 

To the OP this is my area of expertise, I have helped TONS of people with this kind of thing. I will reply in detail later. I cant right now.....

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd be a bit surprised if someone approached me in the street and out of no where said, "hi, where are you from?"

Personally I need to have something to ask them. Maybe throw in a complement at the same time. "Excuse me, but that's a lovely dress. I need to buy something for my sister's birthday soon, can you tell me where you bought it?" Basically, you're not focusing on the person at the beginning, and that seems to put people at ease. From there you can say, "so sorry, my name is <X>. Say, would you like to grab a coffee sometime?"

That said, I rarely approach random people with the intention of getting their number. I normally just like to instigate a chat to pass the time that I'm spending in the area.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK so, The where you from example is a bit rubbish to be honest. Most likely if they ask say in a big city that is what the answer is going to be. Also it sets alarm bells off. Maybe stopping asking for directions to a place, or what time is it or doing some kind of survey about the area would be better. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Personally, I say that cold approaching might desensitize you.

I say, working on yourself, and getting rid of the reasons that make you feel discomfort when talking to people is much better long term strategy.

However, if all you need to learn, that rejection is OK, then by all means, go for it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Regarding the cold shoulder thing - some people are just like that or you might just have caught them at a bad time. I wouldn't take that personally.

 

Also - starting with that line might come across as a bit creepy to some people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A good number of the girls were surprisingly friendly while some were downright cold and tried to ignore me. And that's what has been bugging me to death lately.... the cold shoulder treatment that a few women were giving me. I mean, it's ok if you don't want to talk, but I don't think they need to be rude about it. I don't know how long I can keep trying to do this because the cold shoulder treatment (even though it may happen only 20% of the time) feels humiliating and demoralizing.

Anyone who has an attitude like that is probably not someone you want to be associating with anyway.

Have a watch of some of the videos here: SimplePickup - some of the earlier ones are pretty funny and some offer serious advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You see this is where you're going wrong

 

It's all about me, me, me....the girl is ignoring me, so it much be me, she's being rude, so it must be me

 

erm, no

 

They might be rude because they are stressed, have relationship issues themselves, or a million other reasons.  How about thinking about them rather than yourself?

 

be nice to them, think about them, rather than always beating yourself up with the negatives.  If they say no, hey guess what, your not gods gift so not every woman is gonna like you.  Forget and move on.  Tell yourself she has missed out on you, not the other way around.  You need confidence dude.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey! So as I promised I would reply later,

 

It just so happens you have got me at a good time, I have just moved into an amazing new place, So my first evening will be beer, Pizza , TV and replying to you. So like most I started many years back by reading The Game with the simple view of at that time I was willing to try anything at all, I dedicated a good few years to similar pursuits you have outlined in your first post and by dedicated I mean DEDICATED!!!! so I feel like I can offer some insight and can be a leading authority on the subject and well I have been in real life. Now I don't even recognise myself lets say pre game. I cant begin to imagine what my life would be like. I certainly would NOT be sat here right now, Maybe on the other side of the world as far away from you geographically and mentally as possible. Some of the things I have experience I cant begin to explain. Alas everyone has to start somewhere.....You start HERE!!! Right now. 

 

So if this information is disjointed its because I have got up to get a beer and had a brainwave about an inte

 

resting anecdote, tale, theory, fact that I am going to tell you right here right now. 

 

I have SO MANY notes that I have from over the years. Things that I have wrote to people about this. Emails, Documents, Evidence, Tools for the job. Routines etc....So much as to say that I gave it to a now close friend on a CD ALL in an encrypted volume and told him to look after it if ever I should need anything from that again. I know that if I have to ask him something has come up. otherwise he is welcome to also to use it all he had to do was ask for the password. He asked for it but he doesn't GET IT like most others I come across. 

 

Your question is quite simple to answer but the path you are going down IS NOT. 

 

The simple answer is that, People are so wrapped up in what they have going on at the minute in THEIR life's that they don't have time for you simple. You might have caught them at a bad time, They may have been dumped, They may have failed a test or a job interview didn't go well or waiting for the phone to ring to hear about the job interview, Would you want to talk to a complete stranger if you had just been dumped, Sat there all alone trying to figure out what went wrong, not knowing where to go or who to turn to, I mean I would but then I am weird like that and I love talking to people (Most of the time :laugh: ), But I like me so I cant complain. It takes someone a bit unhinged to get where I am today but that's a different story..... :laugh:  :shiftyninja: if I was a gambling man and I am .....Most likely as well its your body language that makes you strike out more often than not but we will work on that, Right?? ..... 

 

You mention and I quote "humiliating and demoralizing" ... to who? You? ... Get over it.....Infact embrace it. There is no stronger man than been humiliated then walking away if like nothing happened. Laugh it off. Learn to fight another day. Infact it bothers them more if you walk away laughing it off, Why do you think that is? ......Infact its one of the many rules that you MUST internalize to even make it in this cruel harsh world. Be unaffected by things.... 

 

Depends on your motivation for doing it? Should I guess or are you going to post why and I can tailor some specific advice.....Things to read and do, Things to listen to etc....

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

People are so wrapped up in what they have going on at the minute in THEIR life's that they don't have time for you simple.

Now that is something we could all stand to appreciate. We're all caught in the situation of "me." Plenty of times I have had friends approach me with a problem of their own, and while I sit there and listen to them I'm also possibly thinking, "I feel for your situation, but I have my own problems right now."

 

Would you want to talk to a complete stranger if you had just been dumped, Sat there all alone trying to figure out what went wrong, not knowing where to go or who to turn to, I mean I would but then I am weird like that and I love talking to people (Most of the time :laugh: )

Heh, we seem to be similar in that respect. A small anecdote of mine happened the other day: I flew with my sister to the UK to help her set up her classroom for her first year as a teacher. When we got done with preparing the classroom I said, "let's go and get a drink. Where do you suggest?" Her response was that she hadn't been out yet. I took her in to town and we found a lovely pub to have a beer. When I stepped outside for a smoke, a couple of people asked me a quick question because they hadn't seen me before. After a few minutes I dragged my sister outside to join us, and these people had some great information about the area that she has moved in to. How did it happen? I enjoy making random conversation with people I don't know.

 

Laugh it off.

It's advice that I always offer, but I only seem to be able to follow it in the worst situations (namely confrontation), certainly not this particular type of scenario. :laugh: But still, it always applies. You have to have a sense of humour about yourself to get through some situations. Give it a go, and if you fail just laugh about it and continue on.

Actually, time for another small anecdote that ties in nicely to this situation: I have a friend who is...a tad socially awkward when it comes to speaking in English. His language skills are perfect, he just doesn't necessarily read the situation right. Anyway, one evening myself, him and another friend were in the pub when it was quite busy and he turned to my friend and said, "I don't understand. How do you start a conversation with someone that you're interested in?" My friend turned to me and said, "Nick, give him an example."

I scanned the room and saw a table of attractive girls. I counted the numbers, turned to the bar and said, "Eddie, get me...10 shots of baby guinness." The shot is important to remember, because it has a nice sweet taste and isn't threatening in the slightest. The barman passed me the tray and I walked over, set them down and said, "here you go girls, compliments of the bar." The girls thanked me, and we all took a shot. Finishing, I said, "so, you girls must be university students from round the corner, right?"

"Yep, we sure are" they all replied.

"Excellent stuff, what are you studying?" I asked.

"Sociology."

"Bugger," I said. I wished them well and walked back to my friends laughing. :laugh:

As an aside, congrats on the new place. I'm sat in my sister's new apartment at the moment, and I'm envious of her. Why couldn't my first flat have been this nice?! :laugh:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As an aside, congrats on the new place. I'm sat in my sister's new apartment at the moment, and I'm envious of her. Why couldn't my first flat have been this nice?! :laugh:

 

Is your sister younger then you? If yes then it's pretty normal..  :laugh:  :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey! So as I promised I would reply later,

 

It just so happens you have got me at a good time, I have just moved into an amazing new place, So my first evening will be beer, Pizza , TV and replying to you. 

Hey, you forgot to invite me over. :/

Link to comment
Share on other sites

See any cute girl, you just walk near them and pretend you were looking for some lost item.  Ask them to move around.  If they ask you, just tell them you lost your number and ask them if you can borrow theirs.  :p

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, you forgot to invite me over. :/

 

I barely invited my girlfriend over haha!

 

I'm not so sure about going up to random women and asking them questions, but if they are rude to you and you really want answers, there's always waterboarding.

 

Thats the spirit! :/

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Shame the OP has gone! I was looking forward to how he was getting on...... 

 

Sorry about that. I'd be more than happy to share what has been going on....

 

I'm still slowly starting to approach more and more girls. I started noticing that whenever I tried to approach girls, i started getting stomach cramps. I kept thinking that maybe it was just something I ate those days. Well yesterday, I really went out on a limb and talked to a bunch of women. I've never approached this many women before in one day but I'm so determined to face my fear, so I did it. Well, on the way home, I had a terrible stomach cramp. It was really bad. When I got home, I lied down on the bed and tried to relax and it finally went away within a half hour.

Now being nervous is one thing but stomach pains is another story. It looks like facing my fears  has proven to be a lot harder than I thought because it seems as though it's causing me some anxiety. Hopefully with more practice, this will diminish.

 

And here's something that just occured to me after having approached several women over the past few weeks. It seems as though when I approach girls who are alone, they are more receptive. But when I approach girls who are with one or more friends, that's when I tend to get cold shoulders or "hard to get" responses. It doesn't always happen that way, but it seems to happen that way most of the time. Very interesting, I must say....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been a shy guy all my life and because of that, I've never asked girls out and never dated. But now, I'm finally putting in a lot of effort now into overcoming my problem. I joined this group at meetup.com and a few pick up artists are helping and pushing me to start talking to random girls at the park. Right now, they're starting me off slow by not having me ask any girls out yet, but just simply talking to them. They're telling me to just approach women and just have a friendly conversation by saying things like, "hi, where are you from?" and then have a conversation from there. With enough push and encouragement, they finally got me to do that with a bunch of women at the park. A good number of the girls were surprisingly friendly while some were downright cold and tried to ignore me. And that's what has been bugging me to death lately.... the cold shoulder treatment that a few women were giving me. I mean, it's ok if you don't want to talk, but I don't think they need to be rude about it. I don't know how long I can keep trying to do this because the cold shoulder treatment (even though it may happen only 20% of the time) feels humiliating and demoralizing.

So for those of you guys that cold approach women and ask them out... does this problem happen to you a lot? Is this something that becomes less bothersome with time? And does it get easier to approach women the more you do it?

 

What they are trying to do right now is get you to be more social. That is all and it is very good that you can now speak up to random people and more specifically to the opposite sex. Once you have that down then they will progressively make you go up to them and start the cruising part. But for now they are trying to make you less shy.  ( sorry for my poor grammar but i am french ). But in a sense the first part is been able to talk to them then be able to keep up a conversation with them. Women don't like guys that can't handle a conversation, so you need to be able to keep one up for as long as you wish or they wish.

 

Don't worry, lot's of them if not interested will just give you the cold shoulders like those you encountered previously but again it could be just to see if yes or no you are interested to keep the conversation with them. It takes practice to discover witch one is the correct answer. But anyways keep working at that. Social skills are very good in everyday interaction. You will learn a lot and make sure to listened to them even if they speak of things you are now aware of or not interested in. Women don't like guys that don't listened to them and it is not always about you and your interest in regular day to day. You could even make friends of the opposite sex that one day will introduce you to some of there friends. Sometimes relationship starts like that and it does not need to be a serious one. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok, here's a very unusual story. I was at Washington Square Park yesterday and I saw some young blonde girl taking pictures in the park. So, I walk up to her and say, "Hi. I see you're taking pictures. Are you visiting New York?" And she just stands there all puzzled and speechless. And a few seconds later, she says "I have to go" and then walks away. I was shocked at how I scared her. I was just trying to be friendly. How demoralizing! It's one thing not to be interested, but to scare her... I feel so bad for what I did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok, here's a very unusual story. I was at Washington Square Park yesterday and I saw some young blonde girl taking pictures in the park. So, I walk up to her and say, "Hi. I see you're taking pictures. Are you visiting New York?" And she just stands there all puzzled and speechless. And a few seconds later, she says "I have to go" and then walks away. I was shocked at how I scared her. I was just trying to be friendly. How demoralizing! It's one thing not to be interested, but to scare her... I feel so bad for what I did.

 

I'm almost willing to bet that you didn't get eye contact from her and that she never saw you coming.

 

And even then it's a toss of the coins what kind of a reaction you would get ... mind you I've never cold approached a girl, but only when I've seen their signals in college and I always get a huge variation of reactions. And I'm very much an introvert so it takes a long time, and thus a lot of signals from girls, to make me approach them. Let alone the second time around I see them.

 

....now, my totally un-professional opinion (since I'm not a "pua", that seem to claim that guys can get every girl and never be shot down), I would have gotten eye contact from her a few times; then smiled at her a few times when getting eye contact - if she smiled back that would be my green light to walk to her - and I would let her see me approaching her; then I would position myself facing the same direction as she (not front facing her), saying an opener like "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" and depending on her reaction, and answer, I would go with the camera-thing, like "It's also a nice day for taking pictures. I'm willing to bet that you are not from here, are you? Because you don't get a lot of New Yorkers taking pictures of their city. I'm guessing you are a photography student?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am going to sit down and reply to this thread with some advice and maybe my story. If I write it then I can guarantee most of you wont beleive parts. It will change your view about this. I will give you some SOLID advice because I have personally been at rock bottom and then something happened.....Keep your eye on this tread. It needs my undivided time and attention something at the minute I am lacking. PM Me if you are curious by the way I will know who to reply to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm almost willing to bet that you didn't get eye contact from her and that she never saw you coming.

 

Yeah, I never look for that.... mainly because I'm not confident enough to maintain eye contact with a complete stranger unless I'm talking to them. Let's say I see a woman on the subway and I just happen to look at her and then she looks back and we make eye contact, I get embarrased and look away right away. So, I don't know if she's interested. Had I maintained the eye contact, who knows? Maybe she would have smiled or gave some sort of sign that she wants me to come over and talk to her. But like I said, I shy away when I make eye contact with strangers.

I am going to sit down and reply to this thread with some advice and maybe my story. If I write it then I can guarantee most of you wont beleive parts. It will change your view about this. I will give you some SOLID advice because I have personally been at rock bottom and then something happened.....Keep your eye on this tread. It needs my undivided time and attention something at the minute I am lacking. PM Me if you are curious by the way I will know who to reply to.

 

Yes, please share your advice and story. I'm desperate for more because I need something to get me out of this rut. That incident yesterday where I scared the girl off was literally a nightmare come true. That was EXACTLY why I always avoided approaching girls all these years. I somehow just knew that if I did approach some random girl one day, she'd get creeped out. And it has happened just as I thought it would. And it's very demoralizing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.