DaDude Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I'm a guy in my late 20s and always had a hard time making friends because I'm very shy. I recently found this group on meetup.com that's targeted towards people who want to make friends. I went to one of their meetups. The group is small and everyone is very close because everyone in the group is determined to make friends. Well, these people mostly like to go to bars late at night and drink. That's all they do and that's not my thing. But they're really interested in being close friends with me and this is the first time I've met people that are really interested in being close friends with me. And this group is gender balanced, which is something I was always looking for in a group of friends. But the whole bar and drinking all night thing is what bugs me. Should I still try and be friends with these people or am I making a mistake and hanging out with the wrong crowd? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max Norris Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Tell them how you feel; real friends would be ok with that.. if you have to pretend to be something you're not to get these people to like you, they were never really your friends to begin with. James0026, +LogicalApex, T3X4S and 3 others 6 Share Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skiver Veteran Posted February 5, 2015 Veteran Share Posted February 5, 2015 Have you actually suggested doing something else and explained this isn't really your thing? If these people are genuinely good people they will make an effort to try and do something every now and then that everyone enjoys. Intersect 1 Share Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
remixedcat Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 hey, booze is cool... it's good to have people to get drunk with and have a good time don't judge us bar-hoppers pls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simonlang Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 sounds like drink-spiking is just about to happen..... better start doing some sports and look for people there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+E.Worm Jimmy Subscriber¹ Posted February 5, 2015 Subscriber¹ Share Posted February 5, 2015 its fine to go to bars, as soon as that is not ALL you do. do you do anything else? when i meet my friends, we usually either do activities like sports, or have drinks (even if its movies or games night, alcohol is always involved, unless it is sports activity) so i think it is normal. do you talk about variety of topics and do you talk to them outside of bars? can you call them and chat of the same topics during the day when everyone is sober? if you don't want to drink in the bar, just get one drink and nurse it, or get non alco stuff can you still enjoy the company when you are sober and they are not? as soon as they don't force you to drink it is ok drinking removes anxiety, and maybe they are all shy, and do it to relax and unwind with friends. how often do you meet? maybe meet to play some board games... or a game of mafia, if you group is big enough? or something else that you enjoy, that company is need for? i recently played cards against humanity with friends, and yes we had a few drinks, but i found it more fun then just sitting in bar. cheaper too. do you have a place you can meet? you home? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
game_over Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 We live in a world where socialising is basically drinking, i'm guilty.. if i go out with friends, we're drinking.. My partner is the opposite, she doesn't like drinking and often feels left out or just disappointed that all we're doing is going for another drink. they aren't exactly the wrong crowd, just not to you taste's, i can't see them doing stuff different just because you want to.. you might just have to accept these aren't the friends for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ironman273 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Ask yourself why you want to be friends with that group. Do you have anything in common? Are you feeling they're your only shot at having friends ? (they're not) if you enjoy spending time with them and doing different things, then one or two things that they like to do is no problem. If you never do anything you enjoy then focus on finding another group you do share Interests with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaDude Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Ask yourself why you want to be friends with that group. Do you have anything in common? Are you feeling they're your only shot at having friends ? (they're not) if you enjoy spending time with them and doing different things, then one or two things that they like to do is no problem. If you never do anything you enjoy then focus on finding another group you do share Interests with. Yeah, that's the thing. I'm really having a hard time finding people that want to do the same things I want to do. That's why I never made friends. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going to have to change and do what other people want in order for them to accept me and finally make friends once and for all. I know it sounds stupid, but when you've lived most of your life without gaining friends, you'll know why I feel this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theyarecomingforyou Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 You need people with similar interests. I can't say I particularly care for drinking, certainly not when it comes to spending the night in loud clubs, but I don't mind every now and then. When I moved to the area I found most of my friends through a local open mic night but once we got to know each other our activities branched out - now we rotate hosting dinner nights and go out visiting local historical sites. The easiest thing is to set yourself an ultimatum. If you can't get them to agree to branch out activities and move away from drinking after say a month then you might have to find other friends. Don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do, especially if you're not enjoying yourself. There are always other opportunities. +E.Worm Jimmy and +Raze 2 Share Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+E.Worm Jimmy Subscriber¹ Posted February 5, 2015 Subscriber¹ Share Posted February 5, 2015 Yeah, that's the thing. I'm really having a hard time finding people that want to do the same things I want to do. That's why I never made friends. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going to have to change and do what other people want in order for them to accept me and finally make friends once and for all. I know it sounds stupid, but when you've lived most of your life without gaining friends, you'll know why I feel this way. yeah, you might need to change... try to get rid of shyness. changing to a person who depends on alcohol to enjoy friends company is not advisable. better try to find "self improvement" crowd for friends. lots of shy awkward people gravitate there, and there is a chance to relate and improve yourself into success in social/business life. bar hopping is pretty much a dead end, as it never changes. it's ok as a hobby, not as destination. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAZMINATOR Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 My partner is the opposite, she doesn't like drinking and often feels left out or just disappointed that all we're doing is going for another drink. That's why the bars have water or soft drinks if people do not drink beer or mixed drinks. That way, you are able to communicate with friends... no matter what you or others drink. MikeChipshop 1 Share Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeChipshop Member Posted February 5, 2015 Member Share Posted February 5, 2015 So? I mean honestly, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. I like a good social drink, doesn't mean i have to do, same as it doesn't mean you have to. I'd see the issue if they were hocking up meth or freebasing off their eyeballs but drinking is legal (well i assume it is where you're at). Relax, enjoy the company, job done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaDude Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 better try to find "self improvement" crowd for friends. lots of shy awkward people gravitate there, and there is a chance to relate and improve yourself into success in social/business life. I actually tried that, but I encountered a lot of people with real deep depression problems and I came to the conclusion that I needed to back out because being around those kind of people will only worsen my problem. I need to be around positive people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAZMINATOR Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I actually tried that, but I encountered a lot of people with real deep depression problems and I came to the conclusion that I needed to back out because being around those kind of people will only worsen my problem. I need to be around positive people. If you talk with people (or friends) who have depression problem, cheer them up. Not walk away. Not nice. I talk with people with depression from time to time whoever show up. They go home feeling better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obry Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Depends on the people. What kind of music are they into? Do you think they might be also doing drugs but maybe don't feel comfortable enough with you to tell you that? Drinking all night all the time is hard to do even in your twenties. Sometimes other substances come into play to help with staying up and drinking more and more. Generally though if they seem to be mostly interested in going out every night and drinking lots of alcohol this might be something that they aren't going to get out of their systems for years and if that's not your thing then maybe it's best to try and find friends with interests closer to yours. The worst thing you can do is try to fit in a group where you are not being yourself and eventually start doing things you don't want to (due to peer pressure, trying to fit in, trying to be cool, etc.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaDude Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 If you talk with people (or friends) who have depression problem, cheer them up. Not walk away. Not nice. I talk with people with depression from time to time whoever show up. They go home feeling better. I remember going to one self improvement meetup where a guy had really deep issue and was shooting down ALL of our advices that we were giving because he insisted that there is no more hope left for him. I ended up going home feeling so bummed out. I suppose I can try to give this group another chance and give it more time if you think it will indeed make a difference. Perhaps, I backed out too quickly and made a mistake.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theyarecomingforyou Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 So? I mean honestly, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. I like a good social drink, doesn't mean i have to do, same as it doesn't mean you have to. How utterly unhelpful. If they don't enjoy drinking then they don't enjoy it. If 'drinking in a bar' was replaced with 'attending a seminar on financial derivatives' would you be insisting that they just put up with it? That's why the bars have water or soft drinks if people do not drink beer or mixed drinks. That way, you are able to communicate with friends... no matter what you or others drink. If you'd ever been to a club sober you'd know what a terrible suggestion that is. Sitting around in a noisy environment while everybody else gets drunk is not everyone's cup of tea. If you talk with people (or friends) who have depression problem, cheer them up. Not walk away. Not nice. It's not their job to talk cheer up people with depression that they barely knows, especially if it is going to be detrimental to their mental well-being. People are free to choose who they let into their lives. Based on what the OP has said they seem quite introverted, which makes socialising more emotionally draining when it's not on their terms. Here's a relevant comic: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeChipshop Member Posted February 5, 2015 Member Share Posted February 5, 2015 How utterly unhelpful. If they don't enjoy drinking then they don't enjoy it. If 'drinking in a bar' was replaced with 'attending a seminar on financial derivatives' would you be insisting that they just put up with it? I'm afraid every body in life has to end up doing something they may not enjoy. If this means going out to bars with some new found friends, then so be it. As time moves on and they become real friends, maybe even a close set of friends, then other things can be sought to occupy. The long and short of it is, the guy wants friends, then he has to deal with some of the cons of having friends, i.e. going to bars when he may not enjoy it. Comparing a bar to a conference on financials is a bit of stretch really, isn't it? OP, order up a Coke, get chatting and enjoy yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
n_K Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I'm a guy in my late 20s and always had a hard time making friends because I'm very shy. I recently found this group on meetup.com that's targeted towards people who want to make friends. I went to one of their meetups. The group is small and everyone is very close because everyone in the group is determined to make friends. Well, these people mostly like to go to bars late at night and drink. That's all they do and that's not my thing. But they're really interested in being close friends with me and this is the first time I've met people that are really interested in being close friends with me. And this group is gender balanced, which is something I was always looking for in a group of friends. But the whole bar and drinking all night thing is what bugs me. Should I still try and be friends with these people or am I making a mistake and hanging out with the wrong crowd? It's almost tempting to give sites like that a go. Are there many groups on there or is it a case of being lucky if you find one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAZMINATOR Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 How utterly unhelpful. If they don't enjoy drinking then they don't enjoy it. If 'drinking in a bar' was replaced with 'attending a seminar on financial derivatives' would you be insisting that they just put up with it? If you'd ever been to a club sober you'd know what a terrible suggestion that is. Sitting around in a noisy environment while everybody else gets drunk is not everyone's cup of tea. It's not their job to talk cheer up people with depression that they barely knows, especially if it is going to be detrimental to their mental well-being. People are free to choose who they let into their lives. Based on what the OP has said they seem quite introverted, which makes socialising more emotionally draining when it's not on their terms. Here's a relevant comic: .... Doesn't matter what place you are in... you can help people if you want as long as you know what to do... If you don't, try to cheer them up by discuss about any interesting topic(s) that may interest them. If they feel terrible that means you were not doing a good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+E.Worm Jimmy Subscriber¹ Posted February 5, 2015 Subscriber¹ Share Posted February 5, 2015 Doesn't matter what place you are in... you can help people if you want as long as you know what to do... If you don't, try to cheer them up by discuss about any interesting topic(s) that may interest them. If they feel terrible that means you were not doing a good job. no man, it does not. i lot of people who are depressed are energy vampires. they feel the need to complain and whine. unless you are a super positive and high energy person with 0 issues of your own, it is counterproductive to your well being. you can spend all the time you can to help them cheer up, and then you just end up feeling down, because it is pointless. theyarecomingforyou and astropheed 2 Share Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAZMINATOR Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 no man, it does not. i lot of people who are depressed are energy vampires. they feel the need to complain and whine. unless you are a super positive and high energy person with 0 issues of your own, it is counterproductive to your well being. you can spend all the time you can to help them cheer up, and then you just end up feeling down, because it is pointless. Everyone is different... it's varies. Not all same. Some feel better, some feel worse ... based on what the topic is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theyarecomingforyou Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 no man, it does not. i lot of people who are depressed are energy vampires. they feel the need to complain and whine. unless you are a super positive and high energy person with 0 issues of your own, it is counterproductive to your well being. you can spend all the time you can to help them cheer up, and then you just end up feeling down, because it is pointless. Exactly. I know people like that, people who have to moan about everything and make every conversation about how bad their life is. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do but cut them out of your life. astropheed and +E.Worm Jimmy 2 Share Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
game_over Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 That's why the bars have water or soft drinks if people do not drink beer or mixed drinks. That way, you are able to communicate with friends... no matter what you or others drink. It's not the same, being the only sober person in a group of friends is.. meh. It's like some people can't have fun without being intoxicated, sad but true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts