* RIAA to Parents: Pay When They're Toddlers and Save the
The RIAA today sent a "settlement letter" to all parents of
children under 3 years old offering a toddler settlement rate
for online copyright infringement if they simply send payment
to major record labels before their children learn to read.
"Our goal is to make this easier for parents," said RIAA
President Cary Sherman. "Everyone knows that in this era of
increasing hard drive capacity and new digital media
technologies, it is inevitable that every child in America
will infringe copyright sooner or later. With our 'toddler
settlement' rate, parents can avoid those pesky lawsuits.
Consider it a way to invest your child's future."
The toddler settlement requires parents to log everything
their child ever does online and to make those logs available
to the RIAA at regular intervals. "It can just become a part
of every birthday celebration," added RIAA's counsel at Holme,
Roberts and Owen. "Blow out the candles and send your Internet
logs to Uncle RIAA!"
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* American Travelers' "Risk Assessment" Score to Be Based on
According to a joint announcement by the Department of
Homeland Security and search engine giant Google, Inc., today,
all citizens of the United States traveling across borders
will be given a risk rating, to be based on the overall
position of their homepage when Transportation Security
Administration (TSA) representatives type the name into the
popular search engine.
"Until now, we've been using an unduly complex metric to
deduce which innocent citizen will suddenly become
'interesting' to our agents during routine inspections," said
a TSA spokesperson. "Finally we thought, why not just find out
who everyone else thinks is 'interesting' instead?"
"You know, like, crowdsource it?" added a Google spokesperson
from a nearby office hammock.
The RankInSecurity rating will take values generated by
Google's patent algorithm and TSA's own unique data mining
methods to determine whether the traveler will pass through
security checkpoints unhindered, be obliged to "volunteer" for
further screening, or simply sent back home until their online
When asked about the risks of scores being distorted by so-
called "Googlebombing," the TSA spokesman visibly blanched,
screamed for backup, and threw the questioner onto the floor.
Further calls to the TSA were not answered by press time.
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