Official science jokes thread

[vincent]

A man finds a magic lamp, rubbed it, and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.

The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.

Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.

Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.

Al-Queda: three is prime, two is prime, one is prime, boom

Foghorn Leghorn: one, Ah say one, one is pri..are you listning to me boy, I say one is prime

Post your's :laugh:

[The_Decryptor Veteran]

A man walks into a bar and sits down, waiter comes up and says "Hi and welcome to 'The Entropy Bar', May I take your order?"

[vincent]

Two Neutrinos go through a bar.....

[guru]

A man walks into a bar and sits down, waiter comes up and says "Hi and welcome to 'The Entropy Bar', May I take your order?"

didn't get this :blink:

nice Topic Rip

[Evolution]

It's ironic guru.... to have order in pure entropy....

[guru]

^^ ;) got it . Thanks!

[Rob2687]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

[vincent]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

(Y) :laugh: nice

------------------------------------

A hardware guy, a software guy and a sales rep of a big computer company are driving to a meeting, when the car suddenly stops. The software guy suggests that they shut down and restart, 'cause that usually fixes the problem. The hardware guy suggests they swap drivers. The sales rep decides that it's time to buy a new car.

A passing Linux programmer see the trouble and smashes all the glass in the car with his baseball bat. Before the stunned passengers can react he asks the driver to try starting the car again. The car starts up just fine this time.

Moral : "Just get rid of Windows, and you'll be okay"

[guru]

^^ :punk:

[vincent]

Subject: HOW TO CATCH A LION

How to catch the lion DIFFERENT THEORIES.

1. Newton's Method:

Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is

equal and opposite reaction.Implies you caught lion

2. Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the

lion.Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will

also run faster and will get

tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:

At any given moment, there is a positive probability

that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit

down and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method:

We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter

it.Perform an inverse transformation with respect to

lion. Lion is in and we are out.

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows

everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the

entire forest with it.

6. Integration Differential Method:

Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion

is some where in the result. So differentiate the

result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion

7. Prim's algorithm First find the minimum spanning

tree from trees in jungle. It builds upon a single

partial minimum spanning tree, at each step adding an

edge connecting the vertex nearest to but not already

in the current partial minimum spanning tree so that

you catch he lion.

Greedy method : Try all the methods above till u catch

the lion.

-------------------------

Following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE

exams(16 year olds)!

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like

umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

meaning.

A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q : What is a turbine?

A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education

Q: What is a Hindu?

A : It lays eggs.

[markwolfe Veteran]

Subject: HOW TO CATCH A LION

How to catch the lion DIFFERENT THEORIES.

...

Against my better judgment, let me add #8 to that list:

8. Zeno's Method:

It cannot be done. Aristotle can never catch up to the Lion, as when he finally gets to where the Lion is, the Lion has crept forward a bit more. And each iteration that Aristotle repeats of this will get him closer and closer to the Lion's position, but he can never reach it. (plus Lions are much faster than a tortoise, anyhow) :p

[megamanXplosion]

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

----

Please don't drink and derive.

----

Did you hear about the fungus and the algae? They took a lichen to each other.

----

What do you call a mushroom that buys all your drinks? A fungi to be with.

----

Heisenberg must have been contemplating his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle: When he had the time, he didn't have the energy.

----

What do you call a biologist who's afraid of little glass dishes? Petrified!

[vincent]

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Max Planck..Chicken can only cross road in fixed intervals of time, which are multiples of the fundamental time decided by dist, speed and size of chick...and no other times are allowed.

S. Chandrashekhar : Whether the chicken actually crossed the road can only be told by weighing it first and putting an upper limit to the mass in the integral of the road.

Eddington: Only two ppl on this entire earth know how the chicken crossed the road. Einstein and me.

Stephen Hawking: we can explain this by moving the video of the motion of the chicken in the backward direction and study the beggining of its motion.

Physics teacher: I cannot tell u that as it is beyond the scope of ur text book.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

jk rowling:some body might have put the chicken under imperious curse.

[guru]

Physics teacher: I cannot tell u that as it is beyond the scope of ur text book.

lol soo true :p

[Minimoose]

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Full marks!

[*RedBull*]

A scientist walks into a bar really fast.

moral: look where you are going.

[The Gunslinger]

Just to add to the chicken crossing the road jokes...

Some of the references are African, and its not really science, but funny none the less.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:

To get to the other side.

PLATO

For the greater good.

THE POPE:

God knows.

POLICEMAN:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll know why.

ARISTOTLE :

It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

SADDAM HUSSEIN :

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK :

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MACHIAVELLI :

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD :

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

GEORGE W. BUSH (2):

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

DARWIN :

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN :

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

NELSON MANDELA :

Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

THABO MBEKI :

We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.

ROBERT MUGABE :

For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.

ISAAC NEWTON :

Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken's motion.

ZANU (PF) Spokesman:

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a single chicken in our country as the whole world knows. All the chickens were bought and consumed by the long-suffering masses at give-away prices when we sent out our comrades to enforce what our enemies are now unpatriotically and maliciously referring to as the largest closing down sale in the world.

JACOB ZUMA :

I am gravely suspicious that this question is being asked with a malicious intention to trap me, send the Scorpions to raid my chicken run, haul me before the courts and charge me for sodomizing the chicken that walked across the road towards me as it was running away from an advancing light shower! Awuleth' umshini wam'...............!!!

[megamanXplosion]

Archimedes' Principle

Students of physics are frequently told

Of experiments performed by great physicists of old

Like Boyles and Charles - but greatest of these

Was the Principle discovered by Archimedes.

The Sicilian King, Archimedes was told,

Ordered a crown from a large lump of gold,

And though the weight of the gold was completely correct,

The goldsmith's eye made the King suspect

That he'd made up the weight with some cheaper metal

And stolen some gold, that his debts he might settle.

His problem was then of outstanding immensity

As he had no idea, whatsoever, of density.

Climbing into a bath he received a surprise

When he noticed the water beginning to rise.

He suddenly snapped, and let out a scream,

As he realized, with joy, his long-wished-for dream.

He found the upthrust, produced on a body's base,

To be equal in weight to the water displaced,

And soon volumes and weights would make it quite plain

What various metals the crown could contain,

And so he could easily show to his Royalty

The absolute proof of the goldsmith's disloyalty.

Leaping out of the bath at remarkable rate,

He made for the palace by doorway and gate

But the men in the street were completely confounded

To see a naked man shout "Eureka! I've found it!"

[Angel Blue01]

Just to add to the chicken crossing the road jokes...

Some of the references are African, and its not really science, but funny none the less.

No problem, I got them :D

A man finds a magic lamp, rubbed it, and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.

The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.

Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.

Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe collapses.

Al-Queda: three is prime, two is prime, one is prime, boom

Foghorn Leghorn: one, Ah say one, one is pri..are you listning to me boy, I say one is prime

I'm sorry but these are the only ones in this thread I havn't gotten

[vincent]

Archimedes' Principle

Students of physics are frequently told

Of experiments performed by great physicists of old

Like Boyles and Charles - but greatest of these

Was the Principle discovered by Archimedes.

The Sicilian King, Archimedes was told,

Ordered a crown from a large lump of gold,

And though the weight of the gold was completely correct,

The goldsmith's eye made the King suspect

That he'd made up the weight with some cheaper metal

And stolen some gold, that his debts he might settle.

His problem was then of outstanding immensity

As he had no idea, whatsoever, of density.

Climbing into a bath he received a surprise

When he noticed the water beginning to rise.

He suddenly snapped, and let out a scream,

As he realized, with joy, his long-wished-for dream.

He found the upthrust, produced on a body's base,

To be equal in weight to the water displaced,

And soon volumes and weights would make it quite plain

What various metals the crown could contain,

And so he could easily show to his Royalty

The absolute proof of the goldsmith's disloyalty.

Leaping out of the bath at remarkable rate,

He made for the palace by doorway and gate

But the men in the street were completely confounded

To see a naked man shout "Eureka! I've found it!"

(Y) :laugh:

[Lt-DavidW]

A scientist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, ?I?ll grant you three wishes, Master.?

The scientist says, ?I wish I could believe in you.? The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the scientist believes in him.

The scientist says, ?Wow. I wish all scientists would believe this.? The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly scientists all over the world begin to believe in genies.

?What about your third wish?? asks the genie. ?Well,? says the scientist, ?I wish for a billion pounds.?

The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. ?What?s wrong?? asks the scientist. The genie shrugs and says, ?Just because you believe in me, doesn?t necessarily mean that I really exist.?

I'm sorry but these are the only ones in this thread I havn't gotten

The Hubble constant was positive which meant that the acceleration at which the universe is expanding is greater than the gravity pulling it together. Therefore, the universe was bound to expand forever.

He wished for the Hubble constant to be zero so that the acceleration equal universe is expanding at equal to the gravity holding it together. Therefore, the universe was bound to remain at it's current size.

He then wished for a bowl of pudding. The new matter introduced into the universe resulted in gravity slightly greater than the acceleration at which the universe was expanding, and therefore caused it's exponential collapse.