Neobytes :) How good are you in bed? There's an app for that!

NeoBytes :) is an occasional feature that takes a step back from the big headlines, to take a look at what else is happening in the vast, scary expanse of the tech world - often with a cynical eye, always with a dose of humour.

We use our smartphones for everything nowadays. From banking, to online shopping, to calorie tracking, to listening to music, and everything in between, the devices are keeping track of our lives and are never far from our hands. However, aside from the camera lens, our phones generally are not used during sex. Enter Spreadsheets.

The app, available from iTunes for $1.99, takes a page from constant data collection tools like Fitbit or Fuel Band, but instead of measuring your steps, it measures your sexual activity. How does it work? After downloading the app and telling it some basic data about yourself such as gender and matress type (seriously), you calibrate your phone by making noises while jumping on the bed. When you're ready to start recording your statistics, simply start the app and toss it anywhere on the bed while you're rolling around in the hay. And try not to break the phone during your fun. That's all there is to it.

What exactly is it measuring? For starters, the microphone records the sounds being made during your encounter, detecting how loud the activiy is. The accelerometer is measuring how much activity is being conducted and it can even tell the number "thrusts per minute" from the sexual romp. In addition to tracking the individual activity, Spreadsheets will keep track of your historical trends, including the maximum decibles you achieved, the overall duration, the most times the app has been used in a day and what your maximum days in a row has been.

You also gain achievements for some of your escapades. For example, if your sexual encounter lasts 40 minutes, you get fifteen points. You can get even more points if you have sex five times on Sunday! Points can apparently be redeemed for discounts in the Spreadsheets store. We're not making this up...

If you're worried about Big Brother watching you, don't be. The creators of the app say that they're not actually recording your trists because, "that would be creepy." Instead, they're only taking data points of the adventure. Still, we have to believe that asking your partner to ignore the phone bouncing around on the bed may be a surefire way to kill the mood.

Source: Spreadsheets | Image of feet courtesy of Shutterstock

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> The creators of the app say that they're not actually recording your trists because, "that would be creepy."

So by having them say it, you automatically know that, in fact, they do.

That's only just over two thrusts per second. Even if you were a premature ejaculator and finished in twenty seconds that doesn't sound very different to normal sex.

I don't need an app for that. I don't have to lie, I'm average, possibly below. maybe. **** i don't even know. it's been about a few years since i last

Maybe this could be used for targeted advertising.

"Hey! You look like you've been busy today. Maybe you could do with some of these extra pleasure condoms from Durex!"

"If you're worried about Big Brother watching you, don't be. The creators of the app say that they're not actually recording your trists because, "that would be creepy." Instead, they're only taking data points of the adventure."

Ok it's still one hell of a creepy app lol there's no way to be sure that those recording don't end up in the developers perverse collection xD

welll... studies suggest this is not the exactly the case. The abundance of social networks doesn't imply more and/or easier sex dates...

Dutchie64 said,
welll... studies suggest this is not the exactly the case. The abundance of social networks doesn't imply more and/or easier sex dates...

well. my studies suggest this requires a different kind of studies, you know, the kind of studies about idiots having the tendencies to go online boosting about their sexual prowess / conquests with blogs, pictures, videos, etc.

I don't want to know how my friends are in bed...

If you want to broadcast to everyone how good you are in bed, it's probably classier to just keep the Kama Sutra app open on your phone and make sure everybody sees it

I guarantee I would top the highscore board

Guaranteed!

assume the 5 times on a sunday doesn't have to be the same person?

glen8 said,
I guarantee I would top the highscore board

Guaranteed!

assume the 5 times on a sunday doesn't have to be the same person?

And you are actually bragging about it? Well I guess I'm a bit old fashioned about it, seems to be a rarity these days.

alwaysonacoffebreak said,

And you are actually bragging about it? Well I guess I'm a bit old fashioned about it, seems to be a rarity these days.

oh, I decided if you can't beat 'em join 'em years ago. Not often you meet normal people online these days. My online persona is that of an idiot.

Xahid said,
what a lame idea.
The picture looks like both feet belong to guys (gays?)lol

I think you've hit on something. Maybe the target audience?

thomastmc said,

By suggesting he's 12, are you saying he's immature?

I meant that comment back then as not ALL people of a certain age behave like they're expected to by society, but I've never met anyone who still laughs at the idea of 2 gays to be very old.

McKay said,

I meant that comment back then as not ALL people of a certain age behave like they're expected to by society, but I've never met anyone who still laughs at the idea of 2 gays to be very old.

Sure

Seahorsepip said,
Oh please stop this almost starting flame war >.>
He's just making a joke

Edit -> Misunderstanding of context on my part. Sorry. Ignore this.

Shiranui said,
Just do what I do -- look at the bedside clock before and after.

If the clock is still on the bedside table, you're not making enough mess!