Sophos releases Klingon Anti-Virus (seriously)

Computer security company Sophos has released a version of their anti-virus software, fully translated into Klingon. Yes, Klingon, the imaginary language from Star Trek.

Apparently, Sophos has decided the Klingon Empire is a completely untapped market, and before Symantec or McAfee got the jump on them, they decided to help rid the empire of all the spyware, adware and other Tribbles troubles that plague their Windows users. Scary to think that Windows would be controlling things like cloaking devices or photon torpedoes, even scarier to think those systems could be infected with a Romulan rootkit.

According to Sophos, they've been monitoring sub-space communications in the alpha quadrant for some time now. It turns out the destruction of the battlecruiser Klothos was "a result of trying to remove VBS/PeachyPDF-A from the battle computer using M'swoN'kar after Commander Kor opened an attachment from the system S'cam-419."

As soon as Sophos found out, they knew they had to help. So they set about hiring a Klingon translator from Dallas, a member of the Klingon Language Institute, to translate all of the text in the software from English to Klingon.

For those of you who like release notes, and system requirements, here are a few of the things Klingon Anti-Virus will require:

  • it is recommended that you do not install it on Androids fitted positronic emotion-chips because when you remove the tool, the reboot may trigger a psychotic episode
  • please note this software is not compatible with the version of Microsoft .NET Framework (build 7 of version 9.0) used by Borg assimilation routines
  • Isolinear and Bioneural systems are not supported in this release
  • due to the current scarcity of 23rd and 24th Century test systems we are unable to fully substantiate the above claims
Of course, with any new piece of software there are going to be a few known issues:
  • Klingon Anti-Virus is unable to remove Rogue Nanites from the central core. To remove establish negotiation using Android or system running OS X 10.6 and deposit on nearest uninhabited moon
  • Klingon Anti-Virus is unable to remove the Tsiolkovsky Polywater Virus from carbon units (including near-simulations running on positronic hardware). Please report to the medical bay immediately.
  • Klingon Anti-Virus cannot detect or remove Iconian Root-kits without a clean boot from an uninfected device.
  • This software has compatibility issues with the version of msxml4.dll used by cloaking devices on Romulan-modded D7-class battle cruisers. Installing this software on such vessels is punishable by ordeal of Ginst'a'Ed.
If you can't read Klingon, an English version of the software and release notes are also available.

We recommend downloading a copy of this software immediately, because when Paramount finds out about it, it may not be around much longer. The software is not a full blown anti-virus that takes residence on your system. It can be used while other anti-virus scanners are installed and running. Both the Klingon and English version of the software are just "Threat Detection Tests" that allow users to scan their system to see what their current anti-virus software is missing.

Download: Klingon Anti-Virus 34MB, (from Sophos.com)
View: KAV Homepage

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52 Comments

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Well, last time I installed norton antivirus to my lcars terminal, and it slowed down so much that it could not keep up with Data überfast learning. hope this time around it will be better.

I thought I'd travelled back in time to April 1st by slingshotting around the Sun when I saw this...
I'm sure our teachers wouldn't notice a change in language at any rate... anti-what?

Darkness2k said,
I thought I'd travelled back in time to April 1st by slingshotting around the Sun when I saw this...
I'm sure our teachers wouldn't notice a change in language at any rate... anti-what?

Or you entered a blackhole after depositing red matter in a supernova . . .

2Cold Scorpio said,
What...the...heck? :blink:

Well, if they have one in Klingon, how about a version in Huttese? :P


Easier and better yet (lol)... Gungan!

Wesa gotsa virus happening?! Oh Noes! Dis bery bombad! What'sa yousa thinkin' wesa should do?

Dhalamar said,
Next, the elven language by Tolkien for his Middle-Earth sagas... for those older systems. :)


I know it sounds like a publicity stunt; however....

1. Translation guides (between most languages and Klingon) exist (there's even a Klingon option on Babelfish).

2. There's even a RosettaStone for Klingon (no joke that).

3. The *traditional* way to own a market is to seize overlooked opportunities. Slick move, Sophos.

We had a major virus outbreak on our network the other day and Sophos even refused to acknowledge that the virus even existed! NOD32 and Kaspersky detected it and cleaned it immediately. Sophos didn't detect it until 2 days later and then when it cleaned it, Sophos rendered the PC totally useless. My colleague's PC which was affected and it can no longer run anything. Anytime you try to launch an application you either get a message saying "Application not found" or you get a option box asking what application you want to use to open the program.

I am serious trying to get a different anti-virus package purchased, however, trying to justify the cost to the finance department is gonna be a huge nightmare because we get Sophos Anti-Virus for FREE through a local council agreement! Now I know why it's free! I somehow doubt Klingon Anti-Virus will make it any better at detecting, let alone defeating viruses!

Admiral Adama, the Galactica could sure use this. 170,000 years ago!! HAHA!

I know, its star trek, not Battlestar.

DEBATE!!

uhstdnt said,
Admiral Adama, the Galactica could sure use this. 170,000 years ago!! HAHA!

I know, its star trek, not Battlestar.

DEBATE!!

Computers on the Galactica were not networked. Debate over. :P

Budious said,
Computers on the Galactica were not networked. Debate over. :P

Sneakernet? How computers got viruses the good old fashioned way...

I never saw a floppy drive, portable card, or CDs shown in the show to come to think of it. I'm not sure they have sneakers either, everyone was always wearing boots.

Because they can, the trekkies will obviously love it and plus it *could* help reign in new customers too maybe...

They need to do ones in Ancient and Goa'uld! :P (that's from Stargate SG-1/Atlantis for those who don't know)

Xerxes said,
Because they can, the trekkies will obviously love it and plus it *could* help reign in new customers too maybe...

They need to do ones in Ancient and Goa'uld! :P (that's from Stargate SG-1/Atlantis for those who don't know)

Yeah, but you'd need special fonts for those ones. Still, I'd love to see one done in Ancient. :P

Silverskull said,

Yeah, but you'd need special fonts for those ones. Still, I'd love to see one done in Ancient. :P

I'm all for one in Goa'uld! :D
Font should be no problem, just have it installed by the install wrapper, before the actual install starts.
(Actually, you'd also need a special font for Klingon.)

the sad thing was someone actually asked Sophos to do a proof of concept, the pages were then leaked to the public, and forced their hand in releasing it.

I heard

Why would they be? those parts are done by the OS not the installer, so unless they happen to have a Klingon version of Vista, it'll be in English :P

Is still waiting on the Romulan edition- (this is funny) and the video on the main page of them singing in Klingon the song YMCA is so funny.

redvamp128 said,
Is still waiting on the Romulan edition- (this is funny) and the video on the main page of them singing in Klingon the song YMCA is so funny.

I read your comment before watching the video. I was hoping for a Klingon traffic cop, indian, biker, construction worker, etc.

For some reaons I think the klingons who did that video are not going to Sto-vo-kor. Altho the author of this article is; it kicks ass.

Sam Symons said,
I want to say "cool"... but I can't.

I can't either, because it's lacking - it doesn't have the Klingon alphabet! Do it properly next time!