Jokes & Funny Stuff
Brighten up someone's day with a laugh, right here!
Participation guidelines
This forum is where you can post funny & witty jokes for other members to enjoy, please be advised that political/religious jokes are considered unacceptable if posted in a victimizing manner that disrespects a person or group of people. Make this an enjoyable part of the forum for others.
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Set the most relevant tag as the prefix. Threads started without correct prefix tags may be closed without notice.
Humour is a very...individual thing. What you may find hilarious may be deathly boring for others. Don't be offended, nor flame users should your particular brand of humour differ.
32,365 topics in this forum
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joke Men Vs Women
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.5k views
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!Finally, she wobbled home w…
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Three Surgeons...
by Mindovermaster- 0 replies
- 3.6k views
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joke Old man goes to the doctor
by jnelsoninjax- 1 reply
- 4.6k views
An old Italian man goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor "Doc, I need my sperm count". The doctor replies "you're 80 years old, you don't need your sperm count". The old Italian man persists and eventually the doctor gives him a sample cup and tells him "go home and bring this back in a couple days"... The old man comes back three days later and gives the doctor an empty sample. The doctor asked what happened. The old man says, "I tried my left hand... And nothing, I tried my right hand .. nothing. I went and asked my sweet wife. She tried her left hand... nothing. She tried her right hand... nothing. Doc, she even tried her mouth.... still nothing. So I went up to…
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joke We don't sell to blondes
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.6k views
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair color to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which she is met with the same response “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with gin…
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joke A Nun is very distraught
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.4k views
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Sup…
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A German Shepherd, Doberman, and Cat Died...
by Mindovermaster- 0 replies
- 6.3k views
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Joke of the day
by Guest- 2 replies
- 3.4k views
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
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Blonde woman visits husband in prison...
by Mindovermaster- 1 reply
- 4.9k views
🤣 🤣
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joke Mining economics
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.1k views
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test... He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able…
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joke Five Deadly Terms Used by a Woman
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.2k views
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up. Nothing: Means 'something' & you need to be worried. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission, do not do it. Whatever: A woman's way of saying screw you. That's Okay: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake. BONUS WORD: Wow! This is not a compliment, she's amazed that one person could be so stupid.
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joke A Mafia Godfather
by jnelsoninjax- 1 reply
- 3.5k views
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? " The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking …
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Top 10 things NOT 2 say when she takes her Top off
by jamesbowers- 1 reply
- 2.3k views
1. " Who Let The Air Out of Those Tires..." 2. " Hello Jello..." Copyright © 2019 BSF __________________ AMD FX-8350 4 GHz Socket AM3+ CPU 32 GB 1600 DDR3 Memory 2x MSI R6950 Twin Frozr II HD 6950 2GB 256-bit GDDR5 in crossfire mode 12 TB HDD 22x DVD/52x CD R Combo LG BH12LS38 Blue Ray Writer GIGABYTE GA-990FXA-UD7 AM3+ 990FX SATA 6Gb/s USB 3.0 ------------------------------------------------- i7-875k /16 GB ddr3 1333 mem /5 TB HDD/ DF30 case/P55-UD5 Gygabite Mobo/22x DVD/52x CD R Combo CHEVRON 7 Unlocked
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Passion for Beans Fart Joke
by Mindovermaster- 0 replies
- 8.1k views
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed …
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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it. “How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter. “This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman. “But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.” The old woman became irritated. “I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said. “Why not?”, persisted the girl. “Because this doll is cursed!” “Well… That’s OK. I don…
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DON'T WAKE ME!!!
by +warwagon- 0 replies
- 2.2k views
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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is poor and they're overpriced. So, wh…
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joke Cussing in Church
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.3k views
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the probl…
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joke Bless me Father, for I have sinned
by jnelsoninjax- 1 reply
- 2.9k views
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But yo…
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joke Mickey Mouse
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.8k views
The president was walking out of the White House heading towards his limo when a possible assassin jumps out and aims his gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startled the would be assassin long enough to be captured. Later the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks “What the hell made you shout ‘Mickey Mouse’?” Blushing, the agent replied: Spoiler “I got nervous...I actually meant to shout...‘Donald, Duck!’”
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Little Miss Woke
by seta-san- 3 replies
- 4.5k views
couldn't figure out where to put this. Please rate my art.
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joke The difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.2k views
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says. His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation." "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up t…
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- 1 reply
- 4.1k views
A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Teacher, I should be in 4th grade. I am smarter than my sister is & she's in 4th grade". The Teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from the 4th grade. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Teacher to send the boy to 4th grade immediately. The Teacher decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? …
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Don't cry for me Argentina
by +warwagon- 0 replies
- 2.3k views
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joke A man walks into a pub
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.3k views
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the T…
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A Scottish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"... "Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT…
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