Couple of old jokes


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Pedro's wedding

Pedro was getting married and on the day of the wedding, his father pulled him aside and said to him "Tonight you must prove yourself a man, so go and do it many times with your wife". "Ok" replied Pedro and off he went.

The next day his father pulled him aside again and asked how many times Pedro had done it. "2 times" said Pedro. His father looked at him and almost cried. "aaaaaawwww Pedro, you must go tonight and make it many more times. "OK" said Pedro and off he went.

Next day, Pedro's father pulled him aside again and asked how many times he could do it. "5 times" said Pedro. His father looked at him and almost cried. "NO NO NO, Pedro you must go tonight and make it many more times. "OK" said Pedro and of he went.

The day after Pedro's father pulled him aside and asked " now, how many times could you do it tonight". "22 times" said Pedro. "WHAT!!!!, how could you do that" said his father. Pedro showing the doggy-style-movement "like this, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...................

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In-law's test

A couple of weeks before my wedding my fiancee's mom asked me to come over and help her with some things around the house. Wanting to make a good impression I went over right away only to find her waiting for me in her sexiest neglige. She said that she found me very attractive and that if I wanted to, I should meet her in the bedroom for the best sex of my life, and if not I knew where the front door was.

My Fiancee's mom is an extremely beautiful and sexy woman, so I paused for a few seconds before turning to go out the front door. Much to my surprise, when I got to my car my future father and brother-in-law were leaning against my car. They said the were sorry for their little test but they wanted to make sure that I was the kind of man that would never cheat on my wife.

Now, the question is.... Do I continue on and marry this girl after this offensive display?

Or do I tell them the truth?

That I was getting the condoms from my glove box!

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Priorities

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty spaces in the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first --the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

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WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

We need = I want.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now.

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

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