Oh Dear...


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Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,

Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,

That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,

God

Dear Michael Jackson,

You really should have became a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....

Sincerely, The Pope

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,

That's enough.

Sincerely, The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely, Joseph

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco....

Sincerely, United States

Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Anne Frank,

Two can play this game....

Sincerely, Waldo

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump

WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....

Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Katy Perry,

I liked the kiss too.

Sincerely, Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely,

Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?

Sincerely,

Leonardo Di Caprio

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear Snooki,

GET BACK TO WORK!

Sincerely,

Willy Wonka

Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,

Native Americans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,

Terrified

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pepper

------------------------------------

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the ********." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ...

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

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