Memorable Dangerfield


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It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm bored ****less.

I've had my fill of reading about all the bitching over Windows 8 Start Screen on Neowin.

So, to ruin your collective afternoons too, here are some of the most memorable quotes from the one and only:

Rodney Dangerfield

I jumped in a cab and said "Take me where I can get laid!". He took me to my house!

My wife said she wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt...so I put it in 3 times and punched her!

My wife's cooking is so bad even the flies chipped in to get the screen door fixed.

She told me to take out the garbage, I said you cooked it you take it out.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note. They said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father,

"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.

They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it!

I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.

That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."

He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

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