aem4162 Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 from an email: AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC - Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Australia Moves..... Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) ? After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic. "Good Lord, that was a p*ss up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina. According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day, and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad. "It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'" "Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added. By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake. When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay. "We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us." Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing." Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event. "Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly ? they always seem friendly ? but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'" "Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added. Panama, however, was not so lucky. "Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through." When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it. By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home." Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles. U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjiggag23 Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 poor aussies i wish i lived in Australia(oceana) so that i could be away from G Dubya and his stupid cronies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yanman Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 wdf? hahahhaha anyone visited australia before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Righty Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 yess really WTF a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan YAY at least thats a good thing plus why would we really want to be near america any ways. They might end up bombing us if we move any closer. Anyway if we stay here where australia is ment to be we still get to boss around New Zealand. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idkfa Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 yep, born in aus. and still living here too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xpablo Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 I used to live in Melbourne (Chelsea, Mentone,St Kilda, Caulfield and Glen Waverly) we moved around like Gypsy's in the 11 years I lived there, I miss it, I wanna go back home someday, even though I was born in Canada, I spent most of my teen years in Australia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davemania Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Theres always some truth in satires like this :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
housegroover Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 "leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake." Chinese take-away food is a US thing. Should be more like... something aussie... which I can't think of right now. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldmate15 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 lmfao that was good. a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan if that happened maybe, just maybe the world might actually have a more accurate view on what Australia is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldmate15 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 "leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake."Chinese take-away food is a US thing. Should be more like... something aussie... which I can't think of right now. :D how about beer cans and bbq left overs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timmmay Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 haha funny a friend just recently came back from the u.s. and apparently alot of them have no idea what australian's are like (they act as if we're from a diff planet or something?)...according to him anyways.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildliquid Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 couple of snags on the barbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japlabot Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Chinese take-away?? :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sphere Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 :) Of those of you who have come to Australia, how different was it from your original thoughts of the place? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mango Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 I think its a good thing that we are ignored. Us aussies know Australia is a better country to live in so no need spreading the word. But its true how other people see aussie people. I went to england last year and they somehow assume we haven't seen a burger king store before, or know what a palm pilot is, or marvel at the fact that we dont have kangaroos as pets and koalas in every tree. But I can definatly say our fries are better, our beef is better, our maccas is HEAPS better.... i mean, what the hell is a McChicken SANDWICH??? For crying out loud its a BURGER not a bloody sandwich! And whats the go with the meat pies!! I went into a service station looking for a pie or a sausage roll but all i could find was some frozen pastry ****. But the best thing about Australia by far is the chicks... I can walk through Sydney and 1 out of 3 girls is HOT. And i just dont mean fairly good looking but HOT HOT.... When i was walking through London every girl was fugly! every single one of them.... and i was walking for a couple of hours too! The only chicks that were hot over there were the tourists that didnt even speak any english. Lift your game England! Anyway, thats my ramble :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enigma-penguin Veteran Posted November 13, 2003 Veteran Share Posted November 13, 2003 oi i live in perth ....... lol i saw a show the other day where americans were talking about australia........they said things like well ive never been there but i hear they all live in the bush.... they were talking about us like we were a 3rd world country.... "id love to live with them in the outback it must be so great living in the bush......." heheheh come look for yourselves ppl ;) ::EDIT::: hahaha mango thats the ticket... come watch our women with us.. great "natural" views come to the perth beaches.... come to the cott or scarborough ^_^ very nice *rides his kangaroo off to the shop*..... oh wait its a daewoo .. hHAHAHAHA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sfalcon Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Hey c'mon now...not all of us Americans are ignorant fools. Just the ones that make it on tv, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iMonkey Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Chinese take-aways isn't Australian so you'd be right... In Australia its Feesh and Cheeps :D Over the Tasman is better, I went and saw the filming of The Lord of the Rings - it was 5 minutes walk from my house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timmmay Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 no no you're mistaken, meat pies all the way :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldmate15 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 But in NZ, its fush and chups ;) pth, you boys look like you havent been to the Gold Coast, in Sydney, only 1 in 3? haha I laugh at that (If I was from the Gold Coast, im from Brissy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krazeguy Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Australia's sh|t, Come to New Zealand, home of: The All Blacks Pavlova Helen Clark Lord of the Rings Russel Crowe NZ Music Maori People South Auckland ... errr, guess thats about it. On second thought/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timmmay Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 JeT you got that right, i shall be going down there next weekend to check out all the schoolies hotties ;) w00t Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yanman Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 we're bigger than NZ lol home of Johnnie Howard :p lol Pauline Hanson :angry: VB (mmm....) lol and i'm too lazy to think of anything else... lol australia's a pretty good country... a lot of us take it for granted.. i mean i don't think it's a war-torn country nor is it wrecked.... the only flaws about australia is that the government is messed... racism is high... slower with getting new technology and not much of a night life... lol other than that australia is great Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krazeguy Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 yanman, its not about the size of your country, its whats in it that counts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yanman Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 lol i know.. i said that as a joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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