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New HR Policy

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jnelsoninjax    12,551

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be allowed to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All workers who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but maybe SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received these will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

The management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our ###### (Special High-Intensity Training). We take pride in the amount of ###### our employees receive. We have given our employees more ###### than any company in this area.

If any employee feels that they do not receive enough ###### on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the ###### that you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

  • Haha 1

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