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    • By +jnelsoninjax
      Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now !@#$%&* shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.
    • By +jnelsoninjax
      At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".
      A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:
      -That's not right!
      -What do you mean?
      -Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.
      -No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.
      -I know, but if I buy 1 salad, how much do I pay?
      -$3.
      -And if I buy 2?
      -$6.
      -Yes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3?
      -That makes 9.
      -So 3 salads cost $9.
      -No sir, they cost $10, it's written just over there, on that board.
      The client can't fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller:
      -Here, let me buy a salad.
      -That will be $3, sir.
      -Now, I'd like one more salad.
      -That will be $3 again, sir.
      -Finally, let me buy one last salad.
      -That will also be $3, sir.
      -How much did I pay you those 3 salads?
      -$3+$3+$3, your paid $9.
      -See? 3 salads are worth $9, not $10, you won't sell much salads of you do it this way.
      -Yes sir, I almost sold all my stock to people like you wanting to prove they're smarter than me by buying 3 salads they don't need, just to make sure they are superior. My technique works! Besides, I can overprice those salads to $3 and no one bats an eye!
    • By +jnelsoninjax
      So there's this poor little Irish family - a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son.
      They live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive.
      So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn.
      So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself.
      So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He sees that his father and the cow are dead, and then he goes down to the river and sees that his mother is dead. So, you know, he's not having a great day so far. But then he meets a lady leprechaun down by the river, and she decides to make him an offer. She tells him, "If you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow."
      So the 26-year-old considers it, and he thinks, "yeah, I'm young, I can probably do this". So he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails, and then the leprechaun kills him, too.
      So then the 21-year-old son wakes up. Cow's dead, father's dead, mother's dead, brother's dead. So, not a great day so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she gives him an offer, too, saying, "If you can make love to me 20 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, and I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion."
      And the 21-year-old considers it. Like his brother, he also thinks himself young and capable -- so he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails. And the leprechaun kills him, too.
      So then, finally, the 18-year-old son wakes up. Everyone in his family is dead. So, not a great morning so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she also gives him an offer -- "If you can make love to me 40 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion, and I'll grant you one more wish -- and it can be anything you want."
      But the 18-year-old son stops and says, "Wait? 40 times in a row? That might not be a good idea. I mean, are you sure you'll even survive that?
       
    • By +jnelsoninjax
      "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'." "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!" "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
    • By +jnelsoninjax
      A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
      He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
      “No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
      “ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
      “I'm a taxidermist!” The man replies.
      “What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.