The Five Most Disturbing MMOs


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The scariest part is that other people are playing.

There's an obvious appeal to getting lost in a virtual world, whether that world is a fantasy realm of knights and magic, an epic space opera, or a dystopian future where cybernetics blur the line between man and machine. But an imaginary world is only as good as its designer and, unfortunately, there's no laws out there dictating who can and can't start their own virtual existence. If there were, I'm pretty sure these would all be criminalized...

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Virtual Decatur

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Actual gameplay?

The town of Decatur, Georgia, has a plan to revive both flagging tourism, and civic interest: They want to build an MMO simulation of their city. While it could also be handy for people considering moving to their town, the main purpose of Virtual Decatur is as a hub for the townspeople to build, play, and interact through their avatars. The gaming aspect of VD (nice planning on that acronym, by the way) comes in the form of discounts and coupons earned for completing quests and gaining achievements. So, is the obvious striking anybody yet?

It's supposed to be a simulation of the town...for people that already live in that town.

Why go outside when you can log on and look at a virtual representation of exactly where you are? Why adventure in a fantasy realm of magic, when you could complete epic virtual errands in Decatur, Georgia? Why explore the dystopian future of a cybernetic battlefront, the shores of a distant world, the palaces of a magical kingdom, when you could have all the thrills of going to the grocery store without actually buying any groceries?

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Oh good, I'm about to level up my Real Estate Broker!

I think I get the ribbon cutting ability at level 20!

But hey, even setting aside the insanely boring core concept of Virtual Decatur, there are some even more pressing issues at hand. Specifically, you want to start an MMO where the admins physically live in the same town as the players? Really? Do you have no self-preservation instincts? Have you not seen the Internet? It is a place notorious both for its disproportional rage, and the horrors perpetuated behind its pseudo-anonymity. And nobody is more hated than the people in charge. I give you about three days from launch before you get a firebomb through your window for nerfing the Milkman class.

Furcadia

Furcadia is, not surprisingly, an MMORPG for furries. However, quite surprisingly, you will find little to no wolf-dick here! That's because Furcadia is a furry game...that is not sex-themed.

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Well, at least they're not Communist furries. That would just be wrong.

Is there a demographic for this?

There are G-rated furries? I thought that was just called Disneyland.

Regardless, make no mistake: This isn't just a game about werewolves or something. It is absolutely still exclusively for furries. There are still rabbit sluts and sex tigers; they're just fully clothed, and in no way can you stick your virtual junk in them.

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There is no better way to honor the tragedy of 9/11

than by taking your vixen she-dragon to an online furry memorial.

So, Furcadia, you're not aiming for the normal people, because your world is still focused solely on a very disturbing fetish summoned forth from the dark realm where sex goes to die (the Internet) and you're not giving those fetishists what they want either -- which is to bone a he-skunk -- so who, exactly, is this for? Newbie furries in training, too timid for the real thing? Or is this the online equivalent of those Christian gay-camps that attempt to convince gay men that they're really hetero family guys? What is your intention here? Is this supposed to make you less of a furry, or more? Or to put it in terms you might understand: What is your level cap, a normal life, or a full-fledged fox orgy?

Hello Kitty Online

Hello Kitty Online is exactly what it sounds like. It's Hello Kitty. Online. Its place on the "Worst MMOs" list should not need any further detailing, but I like an easy target, so let's continue anyway:

Finally, you can spend seventy hours a week roleplaying as your daughter's backpack!

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Pressing Hello Kitty Questions: Would you like to group with England Yay, or Zombie

Kitty? Who will you give that bouquet to? Will you ever be able to wear the Wish Bowtie?

Finally, you can venture into a pink and fluffy world so saccharine that I just killed four diabetics by mentioning it!

Finally you too can give up every last illusion you had of yourself as an important and relevant human being, and just admit that deep down inside, you are best represented by a cartoon penguin who likes radishes and skateboarding!

Finally, you can just cop to the fact that you will gladly spend the bulk of your afternoons nuzzling kittens until you level up Mr. Bubbles enough to at last equip the legendary Rose Petal Tiara!

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Oh god they're everywhere. They're...they are Legion!

Oh, you can try telling me that this game is for kids. You can try that, if you want. But burying your head in the sand doesn't mean the storm stopped coming. Unless there is an age eight and under verification system in place, this is Pedophilia World and Mr. Bubbles is a 43-year-old man hoping against hope that his Kitty Dollars can be exchanged for duct tape and an unmarked van.

SocialoTron

SocialoTron is what would happen if you merged Second Life with World of Warcraft and then assigned all of the game mechanic creation to registered sex offenders. It operates a bit like Second Life, in that it offers user-created content, but differs in that it is a story-driven universe like WoW, taking place in post-apocalyptic London after global terrorism has felled the oil-based economy of...you know what? F*ck you, SocioloTron.

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I play an authentic 17th century militiaman...who's really into pixilated pornographic wall art.

It's a game about sexually assaulting people in the face and no amount of "24"-style fan fiction plot is going to change that. Yeah, there are monsters to fight, and levels to gain, and skills to earn, but that always takes a back seat to the fact that you can molest people on the street and upgrade your dick. When you're constantly strolling by game avatars bound and gagged in the street getting pleasure-whipped by a pseudo-Viking named CockMaster Gorgoth, your central theme is not the perilous state of the global economy.

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It's important to roll a high Constitution, so you don't lose

your lunch watching that pink thing have its way with that woman.

Here's some actual, real live gamer testimony:

Baby Girl: "I was f*cked like three times my first night here! LOL!"

Lord Foucalt: "My character does it for a few reasons. He does it for power, and it is motivated by opportunity. If he sees a girl that interests him and he can have sex with them, he does."

Notice how nobody's talking about the quality of the quests, or the many subtleties of class creation? That's because as soon as you make rape a game aspect, that's all there's going to be. Any player interested in story or gameplay can find that elsewhere. Think about it: If they want to experience the thrill of fantastic adventure in detailed, nuance-filled worlds -- and they have a myriad of options laid out in front of them offering that chance -- they're probably not going to pick the one where their Grand Elf-Lord gets anally violated every time he goes to the Auction House unless that is their number-one priority.

Pangaea

Pangaea is an adults-only Korean MMORPG. Well, that's how the marketers describe it, anyway. But saying Pangaea is "adult-oriented" is like saying that murdering and dismembering a dancer is "adult-oriented." Yes, you do have to be an adult to get into that club in the first place, but the activity you're engaging in once there is not "geared towards adults," it's geared towards adult psychopaths. Pangaea's marketing copy implies that it's something like a red light district "about women, war, and gambling." But they neglect to mention the heavy RPG, anime, and delusional serial killer influence on display in their trailer video.

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This is NSFA: Not Safe for Anything.

Like how, for example, you can apparently play a butt-*** naked Herculean man-monster who, just as an aside, is also a giant werecow.

They conveniently skip over the part where you fight armored female warriors who strip as you damage them, only becoming fully nude once you kill them. That's right! You're actively encouraged to appreciate corpse-nudity.

They also just happen to neglect to mention the Valley of Giant Disembodied Asses and the Area Effect spell that turns enemies into poop. Yeah, the best way to describe this game is just "about women, war, and gambling."

And the ****-covered Necrophiliac bestial insanity?

Well, that's all beside the point, isn't it?

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This was just totally not worth mentioning. It's really all about gambling in the bar and stuff.

If you took any of these insane aspects on their own, Pangaea could easily be considered the worst possible MMO. Murderous nudity? Terrible. Herculean werecow man-taint? God awful. Literal **** storm? Simply horrifying.

But you know what? As I typed through this entry, running down the "features" of Pangaea like reading criminal charges at a murder trial, it somehow just became more appealing the worse it got. The parts are all terrible on their own, but somehow they manage to combine into something great. Pangaea is like the vehicle version of Voltron: Sure, the lions were awesome and the space cars sucked, but when they all joined together... well, they were still f*cking Voltron, weren't they?

Source: GameSpy

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Hello Kitty MMO should've been the worst in that list.

We all know rape/murder/necrophilia/poo exists...

But adult men playing Hello Kitty :|

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I find most MMO disturbing because they start to mimmic real life and suck the life out of people without offering are real satistaction.

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