Steven P. Administrators Posted May 27, 2003 Administrators Share Posted May 27, 2003 Don't post unless it physically made you laugh! heres mine: The hunchback of Notre Dame was planning to retire so he put an ad in the local paper to find a replacement. After several weeks with no responses, a man finally came in to apply for the job. The problem was, he had no arms. "Sir," said Quasi, "I don?t mean to be rude but you must understand that it will be impossible for you to do this job without arms." "Please," the man pleaded, "I haven?t worked in a long time. I have a wife and family to support. I must have this job, if you will just give me a chance!" Quasi felt sorry for the man so he decided to give him a chance and lead him up to the bell tower. "There are the bells," he said, "Go ahead and try to ring them." The man screwed up his courage, got a running start and threw himself at the bells which he struck, head-on. He was immediately knocked out, fell the long distance to the marble floor below and died. Quasi ran down the stairs and met the Bishop as he got to the man. "Who was he?" Asked the Bishop. "I don?t know," said Quasi, "but his face rings a bell." (But wait, there?s more...) Still needing a replacement, Quasi Moto kept running the ad. To his surprise, another man came to apply for the job and he had no arms also. "I am the brother of the man who died here the other day. I now must care for my own wife and family as well as my brother?s. I must have the job you offer as no one else will hire me." Quasi felt terribly sorry for the man and although he figured he didn?t have much chance, he had to let the man try so they climbed to the bell tower. Just as his brother did, the man got his courage up, ran at the bells, hit them with a loud "BONG!", fell to the marble floor and died. Again, the Bishop met Quasi where the man had falled and asked, "Do you know this man?" Quasi answered, "No, but he?s a dead ringer for his brother." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.dan Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 haha. you know when a mod posts a joke it must be good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mxp Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 haha a little funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Dragon Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Just doing this one from memory so it might not sound right: It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. "No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Noooo," replied the little girl. "Ok, I give up," said the teacher, "what is it?" "It's a puppy. :D :D" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-}x0{- Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 lol thats a funny one evil dragon although i dont understand neobonds :-S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trance Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 you've probably all heard this before, but this one always makes me ROFL: These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event." Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memNOC Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 *walks in aroused* :unsure: *walks out with a limp* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sierra Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback" No answer. "Seeback!" No answer was heard again. "SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Dragon Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Another here: A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes. The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?" "Yes," she replies. The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?" "I threw them in the pool," she responds. There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?" "Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says. "Uh, is this 555-8904?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memNOC Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 ^^^^ :o whoops.. (Y) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjordan2001 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.) One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stinger12348 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 LOL, I love the chili one. I've heard it before but its a good one. I like the part I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Dragon Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Finally: A big city lawyer was duck hunting in a rural area, and he dropped one that fell out of the sky inside a farmer's fence. As the lawyer went to retrieve his prize, an old farmer confronted him saying, "This is my property, so I reckon that's my duck." The indignant lawyer shot back, "I'll have you know I'm one of the top trial attorneys in the country, and if you don't let me have the duck I shot, I'll sure you for everything you own." The elderly farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Around here we settle all disputes with the three-kick rule." "What's that?" said the lawyer. "Well," explained the farmer, "first I kick you three times, then you kick me three times, and we take turns until one of us gives in." The attorney squinted at the frail old man, and figured he could make him cry uncle very quickly. So he agreed to abide by the local custom. Soon as he said okay, the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot right in the lawyer's groin, dropping him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his back when the farmer placed his third kick in the kidney so hard the lawyer wet his pants. Bleeding and bruised, the lawyer lay on the ground for a long time before struggling to his feet. Thirsting for revenge, he said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!" "I give up," said the farmer. "You can have the duck." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougkinzinger Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. LOL!!!!!! :woot: :woot: :D :D :woot: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excessdl Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 hehehee.. i like this one.. dont remember where i read it first.. might've been maxim a while back.. A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Well, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we got stuck in the snow and you had to knock on that man's door to get us a push? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the man was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes please." As he can't see the other man he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on the swing!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjordan2001 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjordan2001 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excessdl Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how he managed it, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the doorway and am told when to jump. My hand is placed on my ripcord, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" was the next question. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's lead goes slack!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wrex Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 LOL. Dogs lead goes slack.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mdc Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 an lady walks by a pet store and out side the store is a bird cage with a parrot inside. the parrot sees the lady and starts scream obscenities at her "hey b***ch, what the **** do you think you are doing out in public, hey fatty". very disturbed and annoyed with the parrot the lady walks into the pet store and tells the owner about the parrot. the owner tells the lady not to worry and that he will take care of it. the owner goes over and tells the parrot not to say anything rude. the following day the same thing happens. the lady is walking by and the parrot started screaming at her again "hey b***ch, what the **** do you think you are doing out in public, hey fatty", very very angry the lady walks into the pet store and demands that the owner does something about the bird before she buys it, takes it home, and kills it. the owner tells the parrot about the lady's plans and how it had better keep its mouth shut. the next day the lady walked by the pet store again. she glances at the parrot and the parrot looks at her and says "hey lady......... you know" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samoa Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Don't post unless it physically made you laugh! heres mine:The hunchback of Notre Dame was planning to retire so he put an ad in the local paper to find a replacement. After several weeks with no responses, a man finally came in to apply for the job. The problem was, he had no arms. "Sir," said Quasi, "I don?t mean to be rude but you must understand that it will be impossible for you to do this job without arms." "Please," the man pleaded, "I haven?t worked in a long time. I have a wife and family to support. I must have this job, if you will just give me a chance!" Quasi felt sorry for the man so he decided to give him a chance and lead him up to the bell tower. "There are the bells," he said, "Go ahead and try to ring them." The man screwed up his courage, got a running start and threw himself at the bells which he struck, head-on. He was immediately knocked out, fell the long distance to the marble floor below and died. Quasi ran down the stairs and met the Bishop as he got to the man. "Who was he?" Asked the Bishop. "I don?t know," said Quasi, "but his face rings a bell." (But wait, there?s more...) Still needing a replacement, Quasi Moto kept running the ad. To his surprise, another man came to apply for the job and he had no arms also. "I am the brother of the man who died here the other day. I now must care for my own wife and family as well as my brother?s. I must have the job you offer as no one else will hire me." Quasi felt terribly sorry for the man and although he figured he didn?t have much chance, he had to let the man try so they climbed to the bell tower. Just as his brother did, the man got his courage up, ran at the bells, hit them with a loud "BONG!", fell to the marble floor and died. Again, the Bishop met Quasi where the man had falled and asked, "Do you know this man?" Quasi answered, "No, but he?s a dead ringer for his brother." This joke made you l:huh: :huh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kombolcha Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 *walks in aroused*:unsure: *walks out with a limp* AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... that's got to be the best one in here.. :rofl: this one really made laugh out loud.. short and simple w/ a picture to enhace it... hahahaha :rofl: what's with the chili.. i stopped reading it. :no: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cesardrgn Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 lol Man this are great jokes... :yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dambaila Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 ROFLMFAO!!!! The chilli Judge I was laughing so hard i was crying, my sides hurt and i got in trouble cuz i was in the middle of class..... :woot: :omg: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims. "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims. "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a third time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!" :turned: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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