mcnelson Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Firstly, telling this joke will do my karma untold damage, but I simply have to. Give my apologies to the cosmos: Q: What is the smallest pub in the world? A: The Thalidomide Arms. :whistle: You aint seen me, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malechai Veteran Posted May 28, 2003 Veteran Share Posted May 28, 2003 ok so two bums are walking down an old railway track. its high noon and its damn hot outside. the first bum starts catches a whiff of this extremely rank smell. he turns to the second bum and says "damn.. did you ****?" and the second bum says "nope. " So they keep on walking and the smell isn't going away. the first bum turns to the other one again and says "are you sure you didn't ****? the smell is goddamn unbearable!" to that the second bum replies "i told you...I didn't **** alright?!" So they keep on walking. The heat is deadly now and the stink is to the point where the 1st bum wants to throw up. Finally unable to take it anymore he drops a few steps behind the 2nd bum, grabs the guy's pants, and tears them down to his ankles. Sure enough his underwear is loaded in crap. The first bum says "Dammit, I knew it! I thought you said you didn't ****??" The second bum says "oh, I thought you meant today" hehehe :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joel Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 A man wants to have his porch painted at his house. He puts a sign up in front of his house and a blonde woman walks up and syas she'll paint his porch for $50. The man's wife pulls him aside and says that she doesn't think it's a good idea to let her paint the porch. The man says that she is being paranoid and that she has listened to too many blonde jokes. He gives the blonde the $50 and tells her to go ahead. They go inside and the man's wife says that she hopes the woman realises that the porch goes all the way around the house. The man is about to go check when the blonde comes in and says she's finished. The man and wife are astounded and ask her if she had enough paint. The blonde says she had enough paint for 2 coats. As they are heading outside to look at the job she did, the blonde says, "But you were wrong. It's not a porch, it's a Mercedes." :rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memNOC Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 aaaaaaahahahh the last 2 ones were pretty funny.. (Y) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joel Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... I have not laughed that hard in a while. I was crying at my desk at work. Heeheeheehee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pimpshiznid Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 A mother and her daughter are at the zoo one day. As they pass the monkey exhibit, the little girl see the chimps having sex and asks her mother what they are doing. Her mother, shocked by the question, says "Um, honey, they are baking cakes." The daughter accepts this and they go on their way. A few days later, the mother and daughter are walking through the park and the little girl sees 2 squirrels doing the nasty. The daughter asks the mother what they are doing and the mother responds the same as last time "They are baking cakes". Again, the daughter accepts this. The next morning the daughter wakes up and runs to her mother. "You and Daddy were baking cakes last night!" The mother, shocked, says "How do you know???". To this the daughter says "I licked the icing off the couch!" :woot: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joel Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 :x :x :x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpanda Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 haha..this thread can fight the post your funniest pics thread.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blaise Veteran Posted May 28, 2003 Veteran Share Posted May 28, 2003 A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets." classic oldie :) forgot the Blonde bonus One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass". :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tagerd0g Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 "I licked the icing off the couch!" :x but still damn funny. made me lol outloud Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tagerd0g Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 A Newfie man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tagerd0g Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said this ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, expert." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Ew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blaise Veteran Posted May 28, 2003 Veteran Share Posted May 28, 2003 :santa: Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know." Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?" With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman. "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked. Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon75 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 That was great! I was Roll'n :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aquadark Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 - "Daddy, daddy - what is a travestite?" - "I don't know, ask your aunt Bill." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blaise Veteran Posted May 28, 2003 Veteran Share Posted May 28, 2003 Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
123_kid Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? Hey! Let's go ride bikes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon75 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 I think ADHD would work a little better. But then again that might be too much power. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cesardrgn Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 good joke man... :yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B.Y.O.B. Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 trance that chili joke was great, that one really did make me laugh out loud and almost pee my pants :p :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HPMCommander Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 the chili man, the chili!!! that one had me on the floor, laughing my ****ing guts out... literally! i haven't read a joke that hilarious in like a year or two!!!! keep em coming!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lawtai Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 lol these are great, actaully made me lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tagerd0g Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kipper Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 At last - one with taste :) More Guiness Jokes, please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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