leedogg Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 Tyron asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed, Tyron asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," Robert's said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!" Tyron was like, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an' sh*t...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The next day Tyron showed up with 2 bruised eyes, a broken nose and a fat lip. Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?" Tyron said, "I don't know. I went home and tried your advice, that's all. I told her a poem and she freaked." Robert said, "What poem did you tell her?" Tyron recited, "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpanda Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 haha.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosocks Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 hehe the chili joke had me in tears :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gadean Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 What did the blind, deaf, and dumb kid get for Christmas? Cancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nosocks Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 that's just wrong... but i still laughed :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Bourricot Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 the only joke that made me LOL for a long time is this "how to make a kiwi" pic (i posted it in the Funny pics thread), does it count as a joke? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ironguy Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 The Miracle Of Toilet Paper Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He is still alive and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MidnyteJune Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 (edited) A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack comes home from school with a great big smile on his face. His mom asks him, ?Why was he so happy?? Jack replies, "I just had sex today!" Well this does not sit well with mom, she immediately begins shouting at Jack, telling him at 14 he has no business having sex! She tells him to go to his room and to wait for his dad to come home. When dad finally arrives, mom fills him in. She asks him to go upstairs and to have a chat with Jack. He knocks on the door and proceeds to go in. "Hey Jack, your mom tells me you had sex today?" "Yes," replies Jack sadly. Dad looks around the room and whispers to him, "Hey, way to go, son! Your Dad is very, very proud. But if your mom asks what we talked about just tell her it was guy stuff." The next day, dad shares the news with all his coworkers, bragging that at the age of 14 his son is a man! When dad goes home that night, he kisses his wife and runs straight upstairs to see Jack. "Hey Jack! Did you have sex today again, son?" Jack replies "No dad...my ass still hurts from yesterday." ----------------------------------------------------- A man walkes into a bar and tell the barteneder "6 shots please" -whats the special occasion?" inquires the bartender "Just ahd my first ######" - answers the man -"well then my boy! have a 7th on the house!" -"no thanks" the man replies, "if the first 6 don't get rid of the taste, nothign will" ---------------------------------------------------------- A blonde man comes into work one day with a black eye and his arm in his sling. "what happened!?!" ask his worried co-workers "i got beat up at church" replies teh blonde man "no way! why?" "well there was this lady in teh pew in front of me, and she had a wedgie, and I thought it looked uncomfortable, so i pulled it out. She didn't appreciate me trying to help and she beat me up" the co workers, who cant beleiev the man is so dump give their consolences and go on about their day. The week goes on, then the weekened, then monday, adn the man walks in with teo black eyes and a broken leg" "did you try to fix the woman's wedgie again?" asks a go-worker? "no!, but the guy next to me did, but I knew she didn't like that, so I put it back in...!" ba da bum ching! ----------------------------------------------------------------- The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats). One student wrote the following answer: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A" given. Edited May 29, 2003 by MidnyteJune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pugsley Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came home from school. "Mummy,Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See! A,B,C,D,E,F,G. "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,Mummy?" "Yes,it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy,Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,Mummy?" "No, it's because you're 25" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deimos Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 lol good one Pugsley :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MidnyteJune Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 A girl came skipping home from school one day."Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came home from school. "Mummy,Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See! A,B,C,D,E,F,G. "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,Mummy?" "Yes,it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy,Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,Mummy?" "No, it's because you're 25" ive heard one like that. but its racist, and deals with genetalia length :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
excessdl Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 What did the blind, deaf, and dumb kid get for Christmas?Cancer. heheee.. so cruel, yet i cant stop laughing.. much like... what part of a vegetable don't you eat? a: the wheelchair :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramesees Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 ^^^^^ not funny :s Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tagerd0g Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge" Bail: $100 Ticket: $95 Look on cop's face: Priceless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Veteran Posted May 29, 2003 Veteran Share Posted May 29, 2003 this thread is awesome, the chili one was the funniest thing i've heard in a very long time. the last one by tager was pretty good too :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragon75 Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 I was roll'n over the Hell one. That is too funny! LOL I cant stop laugh'n :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr3w2k3 Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 ROFL! That cop one is great!!! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lammmetak Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 the cop 1: brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neb Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 its all good :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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