INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER


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INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting

Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S. "Recently I was honoured to be

selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick

at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table

asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by

the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be

all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

________________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint

from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's

the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed

to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me

the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the

look on my face.

___________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I

have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now,get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

__________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste

it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to

look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

___________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital

treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry

had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips

off?

It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

___________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice

and peppers

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric

flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the

chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree,

she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ass with a snow cone!

____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry

peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge

Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my

damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch

hole in my stomach.

____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not

too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,

fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's

going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot

curry?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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