Some punny jokes


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:p :laugh:

Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.

When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.

"I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."

"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"

"I'll take him," said the Tamer.

So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.

"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.

Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.

"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.

Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."

So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.

And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

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It's well known that some species of fish on the coral reef have adapted to be able to survive the poisonous sea anemone's sting, which gives them a safe place to hide from predators.

What isn't so well known is the story of the single fish that decided to be different. One day he swam away from his pretective anemone, in search of some other hiding place.

A first, he swam into a small crevace in the rock, but he very quickly swam out of there, chased by an eel. Then he decided he could hide inside a shell, so he found a nice big one that he liked, but had to retreat from the crab that had got there before him.

Finally, exhaused, he swam into the coral beds, and hid among the brilliant coloured fern-like fronds of the corals.

The next day, when he hadn't come back to the anemone, some of the other fish decided to go out and look for him. The hunted everywhere for him, but they couldn't find him. Eventually, just as they had given up, they heard him calling to them. They looked around, but they couldn't see him anywhere - he was perfectly hidden by the coral.

Finally, he showed himself, and they tried to persuade him to come back home, but he refused - the coral was too good a hiding place to leave.

"After all," he said, "with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

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There were once two bakers shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.

One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine, which could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.

Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No-one went to the other baker's shop any more, and it was forced out of business.

After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.

"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."

"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this lucky four-loaf-cleaver I found..."

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There was once a huge starship, called the SS Titanic. It was a mighty cruise ship, set to sail the inky blackness of space.

The first voyage of the immense vessel came. Thousands of people on board - mostly the rich and famous, and of course, a large crew to cater for their every need.

As the ship set off, no-one realised that her fate was just around the corner.

She flew around the galaxy, visiting several resort planets, before heading towards her last solar system. As she arrived, everyone found themselves looking in horror as the star exploded in front of their eyes - a supernova.

Of course, everyone was killed, and although search parties spent several years looking, nothing was ever found of the great ship, except for a single twisted, half-molten chunk of metal that had come from the toolkit of one of the ship's engineers.

The chunk of metal was put on display in a museum dedicated to the memory of the ship.

It became known as the Star-Mangled Spanner.

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