Mad Panda Posted July 12, 2003 Share Posted July 12, 2003 WHA'S LIKE US? DAMN FEW AND THEY'RE A'DEID! The average Englishman in the home he calls his castle, slips into his national costume -- a shabby raincoat -- patented by Chemist Charles MacIntosh from Glasgow Scotland. En Route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland. He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop, Veterinary Surgeon of Dregholm, Scotland. At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers, Bookseller and Printer of Dundee, Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland. At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, Blacksmith of Thornhill, Dumfriesshire, Scotland. He watches the news on T.V., an invention of John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy, founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland. Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots. He has by now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation he picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot -- King James VI -- who authorised its translation. He could take to drink but the Scots make the best in the world. He could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland. If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table injected with Penicillin, discovered by Sir Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland and given Chloroform, an anaesthetic discovered by Sir James Young Simpson, Obstetrician and Gynaecologist of Bathgate, Scotland. Out of the anaesthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was safe as the Bank of England founded by William Paterson of Dumfries, Scotland. Perhaps his only remaining hope would be to get a transfusion of guid Scottish blood which would entitle him to ask -- "WHA'S LIKE US?" :whistle: ------- A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part." ------ Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door ------ When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all. ----- Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by ###### all the way to America than drink whisky!" Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!" ------ Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?" Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Panda Posted July 12, 2003 Author Share Posted July 12, 2003 A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "?5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid" He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Panda Posted July 12, 2003 Author Share Posted July 12, 2003 A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back" The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elliott Posted July 12, 2003 Share Posted July 12, 2003 A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman" Clever. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Panda Posted July 12, 2003 Author Share Posted July 12, 2003 MacDonald, charged with stealing a Porsche, angrily protested his innocence, and his lawyer got him acquitted. The next day he turned up at the police station. " I want you to arrest that lawyer of mine, " he said. " But why ? " said the police officer. " He got you off, didn't he ? " " Yes, but I didn't pay him, " replied MacDonald, " and now he's gone and taken the car I stole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aem4162 Posted July 12, 2003 Share Posted July 12, 2003 EXCELLENT!!!!! (Y) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Panda Posted July 13, 2003 Author Share Posted July 13, 2003 Ok so nobody else like them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
..... Posted July 13, 2003 Share Posted July 13, 2003 :rofl: Great ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizbit Posted July 13, 2003 Share Posted July 13, 2003 very good Mad Panda, i like em alot. Where abouts in Scotland are you - Im in Edinburgh Al Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Panda Posted July 13, 2003 Author Share Posted July 13, 2003 Im not want to give out my location directly but I am in the area south of stirling. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rossonthenet Posted July 13, 2003 Share Posted July 13, 2003 Funny how hardly anyone in Scotland is called Jock anymore, lol :p I'm from Ayr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Panda Posted July 13, 2003 Author Share Posted July 13, 2003 Cool, neowin has a small Scottish community hehe. :) I know I aint heard that name in a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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