Some one liners


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1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to

play with.

2.. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other

night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said

to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came

home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a

button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm

afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept

covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me

that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly... My father carried around a picture of the kid who came

with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my

father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my

finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find

my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I

don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big

I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look

in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He

said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.

My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in

the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a

pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper

four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the

electric chair.

And my Favorite -- I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my

mother!

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Punctuality: the virtue of the bored.

Seen written in the dirt on the back of a dirty car, "Test dirt do not wash!?

Einstein discovered that time and spaces are interchangeable when he showed up three miles late for a meeting.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

C:BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

I'm going to survive this crazy world, or die trying.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you are in.

my mother never saw the irony in calling me a son- of-a-bitch.

I could not repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I shall now ask my colleague to tell you how good I am at delegating

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 per minute.

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button.

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

You have to have a lot of balls, to play golf the way I do!

The workers at the mint went on strike today to make less money.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and start looking comfortable.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he will not bother you for weeks.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I bought one of those new microwave fireplaces. Last night I kept warm all night in 30 seconds.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some do not have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he is gone.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

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For men who has sunburn, drink Viagra.

It won't take the pain away, but it will at least keep the sheets off your legs.

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Here's a quick one I came up with ... corny to the extreme ...

"Today I walked up to a tree and asked if it was board ... It said 'Not yet!'"

*rimshot*

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You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

my mom got me this shirt from target... its quite a nice shirt.

my brother then got me one that says "stop staring at my chest" for my birthday, ok well that would be funny if i was a chick.

good list too :)

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