altezza Veteran Posted July 14, 2003 Veteran Share Posted July 14, 2003 Terrible Pain The doctor was examining a young blonde model who was having terrible pain in her abdomen. "My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said. The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented." ========================================== Trivial Pursuit A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ========================================== You got the warning Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." ========================================== Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme_7799 Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 lol keep em comin man. yer jokes are awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bizkit Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 That last one is the best!! Thats a keeper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the f*k?ng ship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 Playing Cards. Little boy woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards." Little boy asked, "Whose your partner? The dad answered, " Your Mom." Little boy then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing? The sister answered, 'Playing Cards." Little boy asked, "Whose your partner? She answered, 'My boyfriend." A little later, the Dad got up and as he passed Little boy's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little boy answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little boy answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 Computer versus Woman Computer Woman Doesn?t talk (much, yet) Talks constantly Does what you tell it Often asks "why" or says "no" Does EXACTLY what you tell it Often intelligent Hard metal case Soft skin Disk drives stay the same size Vagina stretches over time Standardized parts Each wants something different Comes with manuals How does this thing work? Multi-function mouse Multi-function mouth Doesn?t care if you shower Insists on cleanliness Many GIF, JPEG files Insists on monogamy Batch files automate activities Likes variety Sits there naked Spends money on clothes (but looks better naked) Looks impressive on desk Looks impressive on arm Can turn it off Demands attention Buying computer magazines helps you work with it Buying girly magazines makes it difficult to work with Usually grey or cream-colored Choice of several colors Upkeep minimal Upkeep a major part of budget One mouse One breast for each hand Parallel or serial ports in back Usually dislikes anal sex No reproductive capacity Gets pregnant at awkward times Can help you with budget Destroys budget Loads of software available Two soft breasts One switch turns it on Demands foreplay Networking allows communication If you do something stupid, all the other women know it immediately Can play games with it Will play games with you Operating system insures consistent behavior Rules change without warning "C: file not found" "Not now, I have a headache" Pepsi Syndrome makes keyboard Wet spot makes woman difficult to use Viruses cannot kill you Viruses can kill you Old ones look neater Old ones look ugly Testing and comparing is expected Testing and comparing is harassment Having multiple ones is luxury Having multiple ones is polygamy Keeps you up all night because it's fun Keeps you up all night because it's bitchy Performs millions of logic operations per second Doesn't perform a single logic operation in its entire life Produces correct conclusions faster than man does Produces ridiculous conclusions faster than man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harleydog Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 "OK, I give up. Where's the f*k?ng ship? :laugh:: :laugh:: :laugh:: LMAO!!!!! Best joke I have heard in a long time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 The first one goes up to St.Peter who says, "I have only one question before you enter heaven: were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another woman." St.Peter tells him: "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven". The second guy gets the same question, and answers: "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me, and we worked it out." St. Peter tells him: "See that new Buick over there? That's your car to use in heaven". The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "OK, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while You are in heaven." The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar, and find #1 with empty bottles all around him, slumped with his face in his hands on the counter. They come up to him and #2 says: "Bud, what could possibly be so bad - you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 reply, "That's great! So what's the problem?" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
altezza Veteran Posted July 14, 2003 Author Veteran Share Posted July 14, 2003 A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the f*k?ng ship? Hahaha too funny!:laugh:::DD:DD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 Happened in Afghanistan. U.S. troops were moving on in Afghanistan when they found a dead taleban soldier and a severly injured marine. They rushed to help the injured and asked as to what had happened. The marine whispered: 'I was just crossing this road when I met that Taleban soldier. He looked at me and said: George W. Bush is a s** o* a b***h and a %#&. Well, I said to him, that Osama Bin Laden is a [DELETED], [CENSORED] and [REMOVED]. We were just about shake hands when we were hit by a truck.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows XP on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows XP CD, to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 4F6E65204F 5320746F20 72756C65207468656D20 616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746 F2066696E6 4207468656 D2CDA4F6E65204F53207 46F2062726 96E67207468656D20 616C6C2061 6E6420696E 20746865206461726B6E 6573732062 696E64207468656D 'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No,' he said 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says: One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 altezza - I hope you don't mind me adding my jokes. :happy: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 50 Ways To Confuse, Worry, Or Just Scare The People In your office 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" At that Jones yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
altezza Veteran Posted July 14, 2003 Author Veteran Share Posted July 14, 2003 altezza - I hope you don't mind me adding my jokes. :happy: As the title says...short jokes...not long jokes...and I don't mind if you add your jokes here...as long as they're short :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 That last one is my favorite! (Y) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cesardrgn Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 All that stuff is great... :yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWHaUnTsMe Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 Very nice.....had a long day at work...that helped out a lot. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redmondian Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 Some of you might have seen this joke around before. Perfect Man and Perfect Woman -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling ****. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pina_colada Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 lol go altezza! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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