Today's jokes collection


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I'll tell him later.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy

a rifle.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked

the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even

know that I'm going to shoot him!"

===========================================

What a Memory

An old guy confined to a nursing home was walking

down the hallway when he noticed Mrs. Barnstone

sitting on a chair in the lounge. He walked up

to her and asked her if she could guess how old

he was.

She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see."

Then after looking at him, she said, "Why you're

88 years old!"

"Why yes I am," the old man said, "how did

you know?"

"Well you told me this morning at breakfast."

===========================================

Clean whats zat

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation

drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could

never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the

other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began

the same way - 'Take a clean dish."

===========================================

Instructions amiss

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

===========================================

First things first

Fresh out of business school, the young man

answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he

was being interviewed by a very nervous man who

ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the

man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone

to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said.

"But I don't want to have to worry about money.

Your job will be to take all the money worries

off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much

does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.

"How can such a small business afford a sum like

that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

===========================================

Out of the mouth of babe or into the mouth of moms?

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his

first-grade teacher about the baby brother or

sister that was expected at his house. One day

the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements

of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously

impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore,

he stopped telling his teacher about the impending

event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap

and said, "Johnny, whatever has become of that

baby brother or sister you were expecting at

home?"

Johnny burst into tears and confessed, "I think

Mommy ate it!"

===========================================

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