Ironman273 Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 I enjoyed the traffic chatter post so I thought I'd post this one. I know it's not from Qantas and probably some are made up, but funny none the less. I'll just post it as originally received. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre. Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft. Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. Problem - Something loose in cockpit. Solution - Something tightened in cockpit. Problem - Dead bugs on windshield. Solution - Live bugs on backorder. Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Solution - Evidence removed. Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud. Solution - Volume set to more believable level. Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution - That's what they are there for! Problem - IFF inoperative. Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen. Solution - Suspect you're right. Problem - Number 3 engine missing. Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search. Problem - Aircraft handles funny. Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious." Problem - Target radar hums. Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words. Problem - Mouse in cockpit. Solution - Cat installed. Defect: The autopilot doesn't. Action: IT DOES NOW. Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten. Action: Fresh seat cushion on order. Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn! Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Action: Pilot removed from aircraft. Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative. Action: Wound clock. Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds. Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds. Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild. Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle. Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine. Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar. Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer. Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine. Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment. Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine. Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude. Action: Ground checks OK. Defect: 3 roaches in cabin. Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away. Defect: Weather radar went ape! Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrogers Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 quite funny...the first half of these have been posted quite a few times, but I haven't seen the latter half before Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ironman273 Posted July 23, 2003 Author Share Posted July 23, 2003 Well, in my defense, I did do a search before I posted :D ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Well, in my defense, I did do a search before I posted :D ;) You didn't post your scource, you evil, evil person. :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ironman273 Posted July 23, 2003 Author Share Posted July 23, 2003 You didn't post your scource, you evil, evil person. :p I am owner and CEO of Qantas airlines and these logs come from my personal files! I take time out of my busy day running my airline to share some laughter with you and all I get is grief! You insolent little snit! :angry: ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 I am owner and CEO of Qantas airlines and these logs come from my personal files! I take time out of my busy day running my airline to share some laughter with you and all I get is grief! You insolent little snit! :angry: ;) :laugh: :laugh: Priceless! :yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spacey Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 hah good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macster Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 lol i had a good laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samoa Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 made me um....think about grinning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr_daemon Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.Action: Pilot removed from aircraft. I LOVE THIS ONE HAHAHA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farchord Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine. Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment. Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine. Hahahahahaha!!! :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Premgenius Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 LOL....dn't want to fly on Quantus anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cesardrgn Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 This is pure good stuff... :yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lammmetak Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 `this is the first thing i like of this week:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tengcm Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BTallack Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 That poor little man. Why does the airline have the right to take away his hammer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eevoo Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Defect: Weather radar went ape!Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess! hahaha that one did me in. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rezza Veteran Posted July 24, 2003 Veteran Share Posted July 24, 2003 nice. first half have been posted already, some gems in the second half though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackice912 Veteran Posted July 24, 2003 Veteran Share Posted July 24, 2003 That was awesome. Thanks, I needed a good laugh :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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