[Joke] Top Stories For The Year 2035

[jnelsoninjax]

• 1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking -- damn you, Chelsea!
  2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.
  3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
  4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
  5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
  6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
  7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.
  8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
  9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.
  10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball players threaten to strike.
  11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
  12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
  13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $2,000. Protests planned.
  14. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
  15. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.