After 22 years of being bossed around at Microsoft, Satya Nadella probably thought being named top dog at the company meant he’d no longer have people telling him what to do. Well, if he thought that, he was wrong.
Tuesday was Nadella’s first day on the job as Microsoft’s chief executive, and plenty of websites are already telling him what he “needs” and “must” do to be successful, as if he weren’t capable of formulating his own ideas.
USA Today, for instance, has a list of the “five things Microsoft’s new CEO must do.” LAPTOP Magazine one-ups USA Today by going for the “six things Microsoft’s new CEO must do to save Windows,” and Forbes also lists “six things Microsoft’s new CEO Satya Nadella needs to do now.” Not to be outdone, CNET has a list of “eight things Satya Nadella needs to do to jump-start Microsoft.” CBS News doesn’t get into a numbers argument with its article about “what Satya Nadella must do to fix Windows,” but it still gives him a list of four demands as if it were taking Microsoft hostage, if you were wondering.
If there’s an underlying theme between most of the articles, it’s that Nadella needs to “embrace the cloud,” as USA Today puts it, and “figure out the mobile strategy,” as Forbes says – two things Microsoft’s new CEO has already said he’s focusing on. Apparently Nadella’s informal mission statement went unnoticed, but the lists still have plenty of other advice.
Forbes, for instance, thinks Nadella needs to “go insane,” because “Microsoft is in a war for survival.” What exactly this means isn’t quite clear, but Forbes really wants him to become a “fire-people-in-the-elevator psychopathic” – something that will obviously be good for employee morale.
Focusing on the company’s flagship operating system, LAPTOP Magazine says Microsoft needs to kill Windows RT, calling it a “hobbled version of Windows that runs only on ARM-powered devices.” Instead of simply killing the desktop on Windows RT, LAPTOP thinks Microsoft should emulate x86 applications on the ARM-powered OS, because clearly tablets need more applications that aren’t designed for touch input. Microsoft has already dropped hints that it will work on versions of Windows specific to device type while still having the same underlying APIs, so it’s doubtful Nadella will listen to this advice unless he fires the entire Windows team in an elevator like a psychopath.
The advice isn’t limited to just product and service suggestions, either – CNET is more than happy to give Nadella fashion advice, saying he should “keep rocking that hoodie.” This will help him “not sweat as much as Ballmer did on stage,” apparently.
Here’s Neowin’s official list of advice on what you must do as CEO, Satya:
- Get in a fight with Mark Zuckerberg about who has the best hoodie style.
- Order a singing telegram, meet the messenger in the elevator and “fire” him or her just to see what it feels like (you know you want to).
- Don’t listen to any websites that give you lists about what you must do as CEO.
Image via Microsoft