Jokes

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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Rodney Oneliners - Tribute to the Master

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

[+Gary7 Subscriber²]

 I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the 
 kid who came with his wallet. 

 When I was born.....the doctor came out to the waiting room 
 and said to my father....I'm very sorry. 
 We did everything we could..... But he pulled through. 

 I'm so ugly...my mother had morning sickness....after I was born. 

 I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece 
 of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof. 

 Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to
 help me find my parents. 
 I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? 
 He said...I don't know kid......there are so many places
 they can hide. 

 

 

[+Gary7 Subscriber²]

A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests: 

I decide to water my garden. 
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, 
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. 

As I start toward the garage, 
I notice mail on the porch table that 
I brought up from the mail box earlier. 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. 

I lay my car keys on the table, 
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, 
And notice that the can is full. 

So, I decide to put the bills back 
On the table and take out the garbage first... 

But then I think, 
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox 
When I take out the garbage anyway, 
I may as well pay the bills first. 

I take my check book off the table, 
And see that there is only one check left. 
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, 
So I go inside the house to my desk where 
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. 

I'm going to look for my checks, 
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside 
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. 

The Pepsi is getting warm, 
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, 
A vase of flowers on the counter 
Catches my eye--they need water. 

I put the Pepsi on the counter and 
Discover my reading glasses that 
I've been searching for all morning. 
I decide I better put them back on my desk, 
But first I'm going to water the flowers. 

I set the glasses back down on the counter , 
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote, 
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, 
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, 
But first I'll water the flowers. 

I pour some water in the flowers, 
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor. 

So, I set the remote back on the table, 
Get some towels and wipe up the spill. 

Then, I head down the hall trying to 
Remember what I was planning to do. 
At the end of the day: 
The car isn't washed, 
The bills aren't paid, 
There is a warm can of 
Pepsi sitting on the counter, 
The flowers don't have enough water, 
There is still only 1 check in my check book, 
I can't find the remote, 
I can't find my glasses, 
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, 
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, 
And I'm really tired. 

I realize this is a serious problem, 

[+Gary7 Subscriber²]

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.

 

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance that your body will get very weak..

 

3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you.
There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.

 

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

 

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.

 

6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", You can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.

 

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - food, attractive people and danger.

 

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side

 

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.

 

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.

 

11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20 years to try them all.

 

12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

 

13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.

 

14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.

 

15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.

 

16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!

 

17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 liters of water!!

 

18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell !!

 

19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!

 

20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

 

21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

 

22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.

 

23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

 

24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.

 

25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

 

26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

 

27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

 

28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

 

29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.

 

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

 

31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

 

32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

 

33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

 

34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

 

35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

 

36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'

 

37. What other people think of you is none of your business.

 

38. Time heals everything.

 

39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

 

40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

 

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

 

42. Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you accomplished, today .

 

43. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.