Jokes & Funny Stuff
Brighten up someone's day with a laugh, right here!
Participation guidelines
This forum is where you can post funny & witty jokes for other members to enjoy, please be advised that political/religious jokes are considered unacceptable if posted in a victimizing manner that disrespects a person or group of people. Make this an enjoyable part of the forum for others.
Tagging posts is a requirement!
Set the most relevant tag as the prefix. Threads started without correct prefix tags may be closed without notice.
Humour is a very...individual thing. What you may find hilarious may be deathly boring for others. Don't be offended, nor flame users should your particular brand of humour differ.
32,371 topics in this forum
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- 2 followers
- 8.2k replies
- 753k views
A word is posted as an Acronym and the letters have to used to make up a sentance. eg. SHOW = Signature Harbour Only Words The way this works. Mark one of the words in the sentance as above using the bold tag. This word will then be used for the following Acronym. So here goes. Give your sentence and then put down your new word for the next guy to work out. Please try and make a legible sentance out of the word too. First word..... SIGNATURE - Make up a sentance here
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The idea of this thread is to post lolcats and animal caption funnies here. I'll start, reposts from other threads are welcome. *waits for Rappy*
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Just got fired...
by Jim K- 1 follower
- 1 reply
- 776 views
... for asking customers if they wanted "smoking" or "non-smoking" ... apparently, I should have been asking if they wanted cremation or burial.
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Spiders..
by Mindovermaster- 0 replies
- 303 views
A friend wrote this. So, real life, but so funny..
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My birthday gift
by Jim K- 0 replies
- 315 views
My niece got me a box of small rocks and sand for my birthday. It's not the best gift I've ever gotten, but I appreciate the sediment. It's the little things you can't take for granite.
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How does Elon Musk say goodnight?
by +warwagon- 1 follower
- 0 replies
- 442 views
Tweet Dreams 😁
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A true fact about bees
by Jim K- 1 reply
- 502 views
Male bees die after they mate ... therefore their life motto is: honey, nut, cheerio!
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Cambridge City Indiana Police Department
by Mindovermaster- 0 replies
- 647 views
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just try…
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After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church." "But I am but a humble farmer with no better clothes than these. What shall I do?" "Pray to God" the priest replied. "He will tell you what to do." The next week the farmer came back to church wearing different clothes, but they were no better than the other set of clothes he had on before. The priest interrupted the service to berate the farmer. "Didn't I tell you to ask God wha…
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Question my niece asked me...
by Jim K- 0 replies
- 574 views
My niece asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable, but I gave her an explanation. She looked a little perplexed and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, and then asked, "And Tigger?"
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Got myself a...
by Jim K- 2 replies
- 573 views
...pet tree. It's a lot like a dog but with a quieter bark.
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Stallone is producing a movie
by Jim K- 0 replies
- 1k views
Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Beethoven. Van Damme: I'll be Mozart. Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.
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Governments Raise Alert Levels
by Sulphy- 1 reply
- 906 views
UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The threats have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “###### Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other level…
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You just got George foreman’ed
by +warwagon- 1 follower
- 0 replies
- 933 views
My hands are pretty cold in the winter. So I put one hand on the bottom and one on the top and told my gf she just got "George foreman’ed" 🤣
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- 1 reply
- 1.4k views
Post the funniest football goal celebration moments from around the world. Attach the location, time and the goal number and the player who scored the goal
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Just got back from ER
by SnoopZ- 1 follower
- 1 reply
- 1.5k views
Just got back from the ER and I'd like to reassure you guys that I'll be all right after a couple of days on pain relief. But I just thought I'd warn you that the Dyson ball cleaner is really misleadingly named.
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The Detroit News
by Mindovermaster- 8 replies
- 2.9k views
A 15-year-old boy was at the center of a Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate fa…
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joke One salad: $3, three salads: $10!
by jnelsoninjax- 2 followers
- 2 replies
- 2.8k views
At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10". A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller: -That's not right! -What do you mean? -Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9. -No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10. -I know, but if I buy 1 salad, how much do I pay? -$3. -And if I buy 2? -$6. -Yes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3? -That makes 9. -So 3 salads cost $9. -No sir, they cost $10, it's written just over there, on that board. The client can't fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller: -…
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joke My vodka Christmas cake recipe
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.4k views
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup j…
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I want to go there
by +warwagon- 1 follower
- 3 replies
- 1.9k views
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CONFIRMED! A can of Whipped cream running on empty, does in fact sound like a SpaceX Rocket!
by +warwagon- 1 follower
- 0 replies
- 2.1k views
CONFIRMED! A can of Whipped cream running on empty, does in fact sound like a SpaceX Rocket!
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Washing car
by Jim K- 3 replies
- 2.3k views
A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
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joke Leprechaun Magic
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.4k views
So there's this poor little Irish family - a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son. They live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive. So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn. So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself. So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He se…
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joke A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.3k views
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between St…
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joke I'm a taxidermist
by jnelsoninjax- 0 replies
- 2.2k views
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?” “No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota” “ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks. “I'm a taxidermist!” The man replies. “What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks. Spoiler The guy says nervously “ I uh, mount dead animals”
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