joke (JOTD) Joke Of The Day

[Turk.]

Starting with:

 

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,strokes her cheek,looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[The Evil Overlord]

Joke of the day?

What 15 years ago? :p

[LittleNeutrino Veteran]

lol i still found it pretty funny.

Sounds like something Barney Stinson would do.

[(Account no longer active)]

:laugh:

[Turk.]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's

testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers:

"I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.

[Turk.]

A blonde walks into a Mercedes-Benz dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to

inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales persondoesn't pop up right now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, " Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?

He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it .

You're going to sh#t yourself when you hear the price."

[Turk.]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long. so I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Turk.]

A man went into hospital to have an appendectomy but unfortunately

the surgeon sneezed half way through and his knife slipped and cut

off one of the man`s testicles. In a panic, the surgeon replaced it with an onion.

A few weeks later, the man returned for a check up.

"how`s it going?" asked the surgeon.

"oh fine,: said the man, "apart from some odd side effects.:

"Really!" said the surgeon with a sinking heart, "and what are those?:

"Well every time I go for a ######, my eyes water. When my wife gives

me a blow job, she gets indigestion and when I smell hamburgers, I get

an erection.

I wish fellow Neowinians post their jokes here too :)

[firey]

A man went into hospital to have an appendectomy but unfortunately

the surgeon sneezed half way through and his knife slipped and cut

off one of the man`s testicles. In a panic, the surgeon replaced it with an onion.

A few weeks later, the man returned for a check up.

"how`s it going?" asked the surgeon.

"oh fine,: said the man, "apart from some odd side effects.:

"Really!" said the surgeon with a sinking heart, "and what are those?:

"Well every time I go for a ######, my eyes water. When my wife gives

me a blow job, she gets indigestion and when I smell hamburgers, I get

an erection.

I wish fellow Neowinians post their jokes here too :)

 

No need, you are doing a fine job!

[Turk.]

No need, you are doing a fine job!

????? Stammering, here speech therapist for you, too :)

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely

nowhere with her Adult aStammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book,

but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said :

"If any of you can tell me where you were born,

without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate

sex with you until your muscles ache

and your eyes water."

The young Englishman immediately piped up :

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham"

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,

"Who's next?"

The young Scotsman raised his hand and blurted

out : "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

" Nah, That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?"

The young Irishman, remembered what he had been

taught, took a deep breath, counted to 5 and

eventually blurted out : " London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy !!" said the speech therapist ...

and immediately took him to the next room

and set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,

they paused for breath and Paddy then said :

".... d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[Turk.]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives...... however, they had gotten

over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, while walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery they were passing.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst....... my wife came home with no panties!

I'll kill the son of a bitch!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crackof her assy that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[compl3x]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives...... however, they had gotten

<snip>

 

 

lol. Not bad.

[Turk.]

Here is Sunday, no sun, gloomy depressing day. Anyway, Here Sunday joke:

He is older, she is 20, and it was the talk of the town when an old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying,"this is amazing! How do you do it at your age?"

He answered,"You got to keep the old motor running." The following year the young bride gave birth again The same nurse said, "You're amazing, how do you do it?" He again said "you've got to keep the old motor running".

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!!!

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse said,"Well you better change your oil, this one is black!"

[Ice_Blue]

Outside a Church a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?"

The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning."

"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?"

"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing on my mind right now."

[rfirth]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's

testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers:

"I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.

 

 

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair

 And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share

 He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet

 Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

 

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by

 And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye

 See young sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built

 I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

 

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be

 Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see

 And there behold, for them to view, beneath his Scottish skirt

 Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

 

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone

 Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along

 As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow

 Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

 

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees

 Behind a bush, he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees

 And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.

 O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

 

[Turk.]

A guy is driving around when he notices a sign in front of a house that says: FOR SALE: TALKING DOG

After ringing the doorbell, the owner advises that the dog is in the backyard. The guy walked around

to the backyard and found a Labrador retriever sitting quietly.

'Do you really talk?' he asked.

'Yep,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looked up and said: 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting

from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be

eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me

out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

'I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security following suspicious characters and listening in

on their conversations.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, divorced and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed, and went back into the house to ask the owner how much for the dog?

'Ten dollars,' the owner said.

'Ten dollars!? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar bastard. He never did any of that sh.t, but spied on me whenever I cheated on my wife'

[firey]

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

???What do you think you're doing???? asks the wife.

???They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,??? he replies.

???Put them back, we can't afford them,??? demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

???What do you think you're doing???? asks the husband.

???Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,??? replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ???So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.???

 

pretty funny joke.. I assume this is spam.. but... oh well you have a solid avatar.

[Turk.]

Her jokes solid as well, not sure why hers treated as spam. Sometimes who the actual spammer is obscure. :)

[Turk.]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss hers.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erecti.n, and fell off my perch.!'

[firey]

what happened to her posts?! that girl was hot

[Ice_Blue]

what happened to her posts?! that girl was hot

Firey hot!  :D

[Turk.]

One day my housework-challenged wife decided to wash her Sweatshirt. Seconds after she stepped into the laundry room, she shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

She yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...