Sethos Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 Developer: Deep Silver Publisher: Game Life Genre: Simulator ( Sort of ... ) Platforms: Wii, PC & DS. Official Website: http://horselife.deepsilver.com/ Disclaimer: This review is not meant to be taken seriously, at all. It's a sad attempt at humour. About: Choose your horse, take care, feed and train him to participate in jump, dressage and cross competitions. Discover a story that will take you all around the world in your quest to become a great champion! Or simply enjoy an immersive relationship with your own unique horse. Features: ------------------------ - Easy, fun and intuitive gameplay - reproduce the same moves as in real life with your mouse and keyboard - 7 breeds to choose from with a choice of accessories for your horse and its rider - All the competitions of the horse riding world represented in the game - dressage, cross and jumping - Multiplayer split-screen mode - combine your forces to overcome challenges and bonus activities - Real-time horse behaviour - you will have to take care, feed and nurture your horse First of I'd like to thank you for getting this far, I doubt many will even manage to stay awake long enough to get past the features section. I've always had a huge fascination with horses ever since I was a young lad ... Actually, that's not true. I always hated those ugly looking, nasty stinking creatures and I do hope a ferry comes along at some point and sails every horse out of the world. Yet it didn't stop me from reviewing this game - It seems there aren't a whole lot of reviews for this game, so I might chip in and help the global gaming community. I decided to go with a more easy-to-swallow approach and do a picture review and accompany every picture with some text, explain the game and what you can do. Lovely colours When you start up the game, you're greeted with this nasty looking menu straight from the lowest peak of hells inner circles. There aren't many choices to begin with, other than creating your profile and visiting the options menu. Normally you'd visit the options menu to set up the graphical options, controls and various game settings but I simply couldn't be bothered. I think my horse is retarded. You proceed to click "Profile" where you're given the choice of a few select Horse races. I picked the Selle Francais because that is one fine piece of horse ... Reminds you of the World of Warcraft customizing options ... Oh and don't worry, you even get to customize the look of the horse when you picked it, so every MMO fan out there should be pleased. You really feel like the developers spent a lot of time and effort in creating this system. Mr. Jizz it is. No game is complete without a naming system and yes, Horse Life lets you name your horse, brilliant! You got something in between your ... Once you have created your lovely horse, customized the appearance and given it a name, you are presented with your horse in form a foal and a scene inspired by an adult film. Doubt I'll be playing this **** in 3 years. Once the ball is finally rolling you start out in a barn somewhere, where a cardboard cut-out with a suspicious smile greets you. He gives you some acceptance speech about your foal and tells you to come back in 3 years ... Say what? Why thank you, thank you very much. Definitely something suspicious about that guy ... Anyhow, he gives you the lowdown of the farm, explains the function of the various buildings and this is basically your 'map' to the game. From here you are able to enter competitions, go train with your horse, have it relax in the grass field or go beat the horse to death with barbed wired in a location not on this map ... Okay last one might be wishful thinking. All of these places leads to a series of mini-games, basically. Again, where's the barbed wire ... As my very first task I'm supposed to please my horse ( ... ) and to do that, I need to stroke it. Then you get in some repetitive thing where you just click and drag the mouse for a few minutes, it's great. C'mon, look at that smile ... What the hell. When you've done that for a few minutes, the horse seems extremely pleased and starts to oozes hearts out his nose. "I don't think you're doing it correctly, Sethos." You also get to brush and comb your horse, which is a tedious little mini game where you have to do it for several minutes, all over its body - Great! Mr. Jizz loves soap and water. Yes, you even get to wash your horse ... Well at this point you can practically lick the horse and only get 3 kinds of foreign diseases instead of 30, so now I'm gonna try the meaty part of the game, actually riding the horse. Sadly you can't say that about this game. In Soviet Russia, that horse would have been dead and de-boned right about now. The gameplay is very basic, horse is controlled by the arrow keys and the horse as 5 different speed settings, just like in real life ... You then have to hit a 'jump' zone at a certain 'speed level' and press space when that zone turns green, that's all you have to do. Since the game was made for little girls, it's very easy to pull off but that could be my years of First Person Shooter experience that's finally paying off. All that washing and combing really paid off. Now I could finally enter the amateur riding championship with my horse, Mr. Jizz. Long have we awaited this moment to finally prove our worth. That is actually a chemical spill I really wanted to win this championship to prove my worth as a horse-man and a reviewer, so I gave it my best ... ... Yeah ... What can be said about this game? It's rubbish but again, it's probably not meant for players like me. I gave it a fair shot and yes, there is many more championships to enter but I had enough. It's a perfect game for your daughter or ... something. I didn't find any major bugs, glitches or flaws with the game so my final verdict; Cons: - It gets repetitive very, very fast. - Extremely basic gameplay, has no challenges. - Some ... All of the mini-games are tedious and boring. - The sound is awful, same 3 sounds used over and over again and the music makes you wanna kill yourself. - Game looks like a pile of dirt. - Has made me consider overdosing on pills Pros: - The girl has a nice rack - It works on Windows 7 4/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiB3R Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 Awesome review, you crack me up :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad. Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 ****ing hilarious. C'mon, look at that smile ... What the hell. hahahahah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob2687 Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 5/5 for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DirtyLarry Veteran Posted May 8, 2009 Veteran Share Posted May 8, 2009 Really, really well written man. Extremely funny... So I take it this this your application for the Gaming News Team? ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToneKnee Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 I think we should make a section of the gaming news place where we get to review games which are practically ****. I need to find a game like this and do the same thing. :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Audioboxer Subscriber² Posted May 8, 2009 Subscriber² Share Posted May 8, 2009 I thought I was really drunk or stoned when I read this. The future Yahtzee is a viking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 Where's this killer rack? :ermm: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad. Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 I thought I was really drunk or stoned when I read this.The future Yahtzee is a viking? Lmao, I thought I was the only one. Everything seemed abnormally hilarious :| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Medking Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 I can't believe you gave this a 4/10. Sounds like it has a chance with that rating... It looks almost identical to "Barbie: Race and Ride," which was a game my sister bought when she was like two, for the Playstation One. Hahahaha, funny review though... Medking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrunknMunky Veteran Posted May 21, 2009 Veteran Share Posted May 21, 2009 Don't know what the fuss is about, I loved it. Looking forward to the sequel & your glowing review ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josh Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 omfg my kids got this for the Wii... HORRIBLE game... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+John. Subscriber¹ Posted May 27, 2009 Subscriber¹ Share Posted May 27, 2009 This cracked me up big time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeC Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Two things - GREAT! It works on Windows 7 :D And also, that girl is jailbait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denis W. Veteran Posted May 28, 2009 Veteran Share Posted May 28, 2009 :rofl: :rofl: Awesome review! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yusuf M. Veteran Posted May 28, 2009 Veteran Share Posted May 28, 2009 Wow. :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy0 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Haha, just read this again and it really is brilliant. (Y) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carmatic Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 we need more games/reviews like this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiracyX Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Holy Crap Sethos, GOTY 2009! :rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remysaus Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 :laugh: Sounds like an amazing game, hope it's not sold out around here, I'm going to trade all my games for this. What more could I need? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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