joke Chuck Norris

[The Evil Overlord]

Just for old time sake, thought I'd start a thread for Chuck Norris Jokes, see if there any new ones or ones I haven't heard before, I'll start...

Chuck Norris once went into a Burger King, ordered a Big Mac, and got one.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and dodged the ground.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to collect him.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Your turn...

[StepASide]

- Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS.. He decides where he is..

- When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the ground down..

[Haggis Veteran]

I had a list of these saved already lol

some might be repeats

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

If you rate this 5 roundhouse kicks, then Chuck Norris WILL roundhouse kick Justin Bieber's ass.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris....the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.

Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Average: 4.7 (9769 votes)

Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died

Death Valley wasn't named that because of its heat, it was named Death Valley because Chuck Norris has a summer home there.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.

The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can capitalize numbers.

Chuck Norris once had a boomerang. It was way too scared to come back.

Chuck Norris once found the fountain of youth but didn't drink because he wasn't thirsty.

Chuck Norris wakes up at 2AM every afternoon.

Chuck Norris can watch the radio.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris can understand women.

Chuck Norris can clap. With one hand.

Chuck Norris once did steroids, and the pills got stronger.

They found Chuck's diary...It is now known as The Guiness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris can bake a cake in the freezer

When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough", he types in his name and it tells him "password too strong."

Chuck Norris doesn?t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

When cops pull Chuck Norris over, THEY try to talk THEIR way out of it.

Chuck Norris hears sign language

Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

When life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes orange juice.

[Phouchg]

Edited by Chuck Norris, Today, 15:14.

[Charisma Veteran]

I love Chuck Norris jokes and had heard nearly all of those before, but this one:

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

is making me **** myself laughing :laugh:

Another I always enjoyed: Chuck Norris is suing NBC, due to the fact that Law and Order are the trademarked names for his right and left legs.

[Nothing Here]

Chuck Norris came into this thread and kicked everyone's a$$es.

[Marshall Veteran]

I know it's old, but I still get a kick out of the Google trick...

[*RedBull*]

Chuck Norris can run around the world so fast that he could hit himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris is faster than light that's why you don't see him coming.

Chuck Norris doesn't sail the ocean blue, the ocean moves under him.

[moloko]

CN jokes are funny but isn't he a butt hole in real life.

[The Evil Overlord]

CN jokes are funny but isn't he a butt hole in real life.

Probably, but please keep the jokes/one liners coming :)

When The Government of France heard Chuck Norris was going to visit, they surrendered, just in case.