joke Productivity

[jnelsoninjax]

@Brys

Dear Staff,

In an effort to maximize productivity in our department I will be implementing a tool used in many industries. You will be tracking your time working on certain activities and sending me a time sheet weekly showing me how your time has been spent.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a job code list based on some observations of employee activities. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let me know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you.
Your boss.

Code Number Explanation:

5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in a Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to CoworkerWho is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes 5322 & 5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Files
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding,etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code 6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (over 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professionals on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8101 Surfing Vacation Sites on the Internet
8102 Surfing Porn Sites on the Internet
8103 Surfing Humor Sites on the Internet
8200 Reading e-mail
8201 Distributing humorous e-mails

[Brys]

That's a pretty exhaustive list, I haven't found anything I'm doing at work that won't fit one of these codes yet.

[Mindovermaster Global Moderator]

Why is this a joke?

[astropheed Veteran]

TIme sheets are hilarious.

 

The reason they exist (outside of contract work) is purely out of distrust of their full-time employees. They can make any excuse they want, that's the real reason. It's not safety, it's not concern, it's distrust. What's 'hilarious', is that they're forced to trust that the employee fills out the form correctly and accurately (they don't).

 

The net result of course is:

1) Wasted time in maintaining/evaluating time sheets (mostly in trying to make up ###### on a Friday about the things you did on Monday);

2) A skewed interpretation of how long it actually takes to accomplish a task;

3) An employee who is unhappy that they are distrusted and that they are required to fill out time sheets;

4) The pretense that it's acceptable to hire adults and treat them as children.

 

If you are in a position to hire people—and you're doing your job as a hiring manager—you have no reason to distrust your employees, or, at the absolute least, treating those who do well poorly because some have taken advantage. In any system there will be a distribution of people in accordance with the 10% law. Fire the bottom 10%, promote the top 10%, and stop punishing everyone else. If you have a time sheet and aren't a contractor I suggest you look for other open positions; often.

 

Funny joke though...