joke Joke of the day...

[Matthew S.]

Hey Everyone, so I though about a thread to kind of kick some life into the jokes sub-forum so post your daily quirky jokes of the day here, I encourage all to join in on this madness.  (Note I welcome all jokes, quirky, witty, bad even just keep it fairly clean)

 

And without further ado I'll start us off.

 

I sold my vacuum the other day.

Spoiler

All it was doing was collecting dust...

 

[Matthew S.]

What did the ocean say to the sand?

 

Spoiler

Nothing... It just waved.

 

[Matthew S.]

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road...

Spoiler

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

 

 

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

Spoiler

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

 

Your gettin' a double today, couldn't decide which one lol

[Matthew S.]

Where are average things manufactured?

Spoiler

The satisfactory.

 

[Matthew S.]

What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account?

Spoiler

PRIME-mates...

 

[Matthew S.]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer...

Spoiler

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here"

 

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?

Spoiler

Because he was a little horse...

 

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Spoiler

Because he was outstanding in his field...

 

 

Gave ya three today since I missed Saturday and Sunday

[Matthew S.]

Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bath tub?
 

Spoiler

A: Throw in some laundry.

 

[SnoopZ]

I've posted this before here but thought I would try and improve the jokes here so dumping it again.

 

Just got back from the ER and I'd like to reassure you guys that I'll be all right after a couple of days on pain relief.

But I just thought I'd warn you that the Dyson ball cleaner is really misleadingly named.

[Sulphy]

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

Ill give you the night to consider your options."

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen.''

[SnoopZ]

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

Well...... I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

 

 

[wporter]

This is an old physics joke I heard on a Richard Feynman lecture.

A lady is pulled over by a policeman.  He says I clocked you going 60 miles per hour,  the speed limit is 45.

The lady responses, 60 mile per hour that is ridiculous!  I've only been driving for 10 minutes.

[wporter]

"Friendship is like wetting your pants.  Everyone can see it,  but only you can feel its warmth." -unknown author

[Jim K Global Moderator]

My niece dissected a frog in class last week.  The school later ran a DNA test to confirm its identity.

The frog turned out to be 66% English, 15% Italian, 11% Balkan, 7% Scandinavian and a tad Pol.

[Dale Burke]

Dad Joke: Lance is an uncommon name nowadays, but in Medieval times, people were called Lance a lot..........Ba Da Bump!!!!

[Obi-Wan Kenobi]

Elon Musk! Drops lightsaber....

[jnelsoninjax]

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r> I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Low-rider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

Spoiler

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

 

[Dan~]

What’s long green and smells like pork?

 

 

Kermits finger

 

[+Mud W1ggle Subscriber²]

Two men walk into a bar

 

Spoiler

One turns to the other and says "So you didn't see it either?"

 

[freedonX]

These are the type of jokes I'll find in my mom's Reader Digest magazine lol

[margrave]

These are too awesome

 

Thanks!

[Dan~]

I don’t know if I made this up but I sure hope I did…

What do you call a dinosaur with piles?

 

 

 

 

Itchysorearse

[Fleet Command]

On 19/11/2022 at 03:26, SnoopZ said:

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

Well...... I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

ROFL

That's a good outcome. For all we know, the dart might have hit Siberia, Chernobyl Exclusion Zone, the Balkans, the Sahara deserts, Mongolian Stepps, a remote spot on the Pacific Ocean, or Antarctica!

[SnoopZ]

Just asked my daughter to pass me the phone book

She laughed, called me a dinosaur and gave me her iPhone.

Now the spider is dead, the phone is broken and she's furious.....

[SnoopZ]