Windows 95 source code!!

[Bmarius]

// Project: Version - Windows 95

// Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include

#include

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity

library */

#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship

another_beta_version

void main()

{

if (latest_window_version>one month_old)

{

if (there_are_still_bugs)

market (bugfix);

if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}

while(everyone_chats_about new version)

{

/* Standard Call, in lie.h */

make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);

if (rumours_grow_wilder)

make_false_promise(it_will_be_plugn_play);

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

{

market_time ripe;

say("It will be ready in one month);

order(programmers,

stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

order(programmers,

start_brainstorm_about_new_version);

order(marketingstaff,

permission_to_spread_nonsense);

vapourware TRUE;

break;

}

}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

{

case WHEN_WILL_lT_BE_READY:

say("It will be ready in", today+30_days, " we're

just testing");

break;

case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

say("Yes it will work");

ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

pretend(there_is_no_problem);

break;

case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE REQUIREMENTS:

say("It will run on a 8O86 with lightning speed due to"

"the 32 bits architecture");

inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

"'cos all those customers will need at least

32 megs");

inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales "

"will triple");

get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

break;

case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

say("Oh no, we are just here to make "

"a better world for everyone");

register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

when(time_is_ripe)

{

arrest (journalist);

brainwash (journalist);

when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

{

order(journalist,

"write a nice objective artitle");

release (journalist);

}

}

break;

}

while (vapourware)

{

introduction_date++; /* Delay */

if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

break;

say("It will be ready in",today+ONEMONTH);

}

release (beta_version);

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

{

bills_bank_account + l5O*megabucks;

release (new_and_even_better_beta_version);

introduce (more_memory_requirements);

if (custorners_report_installation_problems)

{

say("that is a hardware problem,"

" not a software problem");

if

(smart_customer_says_you_promised_plug_and_play)

{

ignore(customer);

order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,

"Keep an eye on this *******");

}

}

if ( bills bank_account>skyhigh &&

marriage>two_years)

{

divorce (woman_that_was_beatifull_when_marrying);

wave (dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

marry (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

devirginize (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

if (boobs_start_to_hang)

dump (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

}

if (there is_another_company)

{

steal(their_ideas)

accuse(compagny, stea1ing_our_ideas);

hire(a_lot_of_lawyers) ; /* in process.h */

wait(until_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

buy_out (other_company);

}

/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware

and they are all angry at us */

order(plastic_surgeon,

make_bill_look_like_poor*******);

buy(nice_little_island);

hire(harem);

laugh_at (everyone,

of_having_the_patience_year_afterjear,

for_another_unfinished_version);

}

}

void bugfix(void)

{

charge (a_lot_of_money);

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_topay_for_bugfix)

say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

if (still_complains)

{

ignore(customer);

/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */

register(customer, big_Bill_book);

[YahoKa]

Heh...

[Vinh]

haha :p

[Fedr0]

This one's old, but funny as ever! :D

[mAcOdIn Veteran]

Looks like MS was more effecient at coding than I thought

[Osiris]

lol, well with code like that no wonder those MS programmers had to under go that security coding course.

Yes an old one but still funny as eva

[Hook-Ups]

sweet

[dacris2000]

You know, frankly, I'm getting sick (literally, I am sick right now) and tired (also literally) of your MS bashing! Keep in mind that they're just another software company doing their best to make excellent products at reasonable (but not ridiculously low) prices. Why are they keeping their prices so high? They want to make room for competition. They are NOT a monopoly!

I hope you guys take this into consideration..

--It's not funny.

Ban me if you want.. You'll only make yourselves more ignorant.

Also, I'm not one to disagree with most "jokes". I laugh when there's reason to laugh.

Now who wants to start poking fun at Linux? :D

[me101 Veteran]

I found it on deja, going back to 16th October 1995... posted to rec.humor and comp.programming

UseNET: WIN95 MARKET SOURCE CODE

[Joswin]

  Quote

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_topay_for_bugfix)

No they are 'features' dont you know ;) yes 'features'. The reason windows 95 blue screens so much is so they can show you how pretty the shade of blue is. :p

[Martin L]

ha ha yeh it's a good one

THe aldifriek