Recommended Posts

// Project: Version - Windows 95

// Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include

#include

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity

library */

#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship

another_beta_version

void main()

{

if (latest_window_version>one month_old)

{

if (there_are_still_bugs)

market (bugfix);

if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}

while(everyone_chats_about new version)

{

/* Standard Call, in lie.h */

make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);

if (rumours_grow_wilder)

make_false_promise(it_will_be_plugn_play);

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

{

market_time ripe;

say("It will be ready in one month);

order(programmers,

stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

order(programmers,

start_brainstorm_about_new_version);

order(marketingstaff,

permission_to_spread_nonsense);

vapourware TRUE;

break;

}

}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

{

case WHEN_WILL_lT_BE_READY:

say("It will be ready in", today+30_days, " we're

just testing");

break;

case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

say("Yes it will work");

ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

pretend(there_is_no_problem);

break;

case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE REQUIREMENTS:

say("It will run on a 8O86 with lightning speed due to"

"the 32 bits architecture");

inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

"'cos all those customers will need at least

32 megs");

inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales "

"will triple");

get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

break;

case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

say("Oh no, we are just here to make "

"a better world for everyone");

register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

when(time_is_ripe)

{

arrest (journalist);

brainwash (journalist);

when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

{

order(journalist,

"write a nice objective artitle");

release (journalist);

}

}

break;

}

while (vapourware)

{

introduction_date++; /* Delay */

if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

break;

say("It will be ready in",today+ONEMONTH);

}

release (beta_version);

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

{

bills_bank_account + l5O*megabucks;

release (new_and_even_better_beta_version);

introduce (more_memory_requirements);

if (custorners_report_installation_problems)

{

say("that is a hardware problem,"

" not a software problem");

if

(smart_customer_says_you_promised_plug_and_play)

{

ignore(customer);

order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,

"Keep an eye on this *******");

}

}

if ( bills bank_account>skyhigh &&

marriage>two_years)

{

divorce (woman_that_was_beatifull_when_marrying);

wave (dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

marry (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

devirginize (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

if (boobs_start_to_hang)

dump (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

}

if (there is_another_company)

{

steal(their_ideas)

accuse(compagny, stea1ing_our_ideas);

hire(a_lot_of_lawyers) ; /* in process.h */

wait(until_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

buy_out (other_company);

}

/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware

and they are all angry at us */

order(plastic_surgeon,

make_bill_look_like_poor*******);

buy(nice_little_island);

hire(harem);

laugh_at (everyone,

of_having_the_patience_year_afterjear,

for_another_unfinished_version);

}

}

void bugfix(void)

{

charge (a_lot_of_money);

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_topay_for_bugfix)

say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

if (still_complains)

{

ignore(customer);

/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */

register(customer, big_Bill_book);

Link to comment
https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/16775-windows-95-source-code/
Share on other sites

You know, frankly, I'm getting sick (literally, I am sick right now) and tired (also literally) of your MS bashing! Keep in mind that they're just another software company doing their best to make excellent products at reasonable (but not ridiculously low) prices. Why are they keeping their prices so high? They want to make room for competition. They are NOT a monopoly!

I hope you guys take this into consideration..

--It's not funny.

Ban me if you want.. You'll only make yourselves more ignorant.

Also, I'm not one to disagree with most "jokes". I laugh when there's reason to laugh.

Now who wants to start poking fun at Linux? :D

This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Posts

    • Hmm, I'll give it a go
    • Is Samsung teasing a Galaxy Z Fold7 Ultra? An official press release suggests so by Sagar Naresh Bhavsar We are inching closer to the launch of this year's premium foldables from Samsung: the Galaxy Z Fold7 and the Galaxy Z Flip7. Recently, a certification revealed that the affordable Galaxy Z Flip7 FE, could also debut alongside the other two foldables. The device is expected to take on the standard Moto Razr 2025. While we were getting excited about the trio, Samsung has put out a press release to create some hype around the upcoming foldables. Interestingly, the company has put great emphasis on the "Ultra" branding, which it usually uses for its Galaxy S-series phone and previously for Note-series phones. So, does this mean, we are getting a Galaxy Z Fold7 Ultra? Time will only tell. As for the press release, it is titled "Meet the Next Chapter of Ultra" and the first line highlights how Samsung has been listening to fans that have demanded "bigger screens, better cameras and new ways to connect and create." To churn up up the hype, Samsung added, "That’s why Galaxy’s next chapter is to provide an experience that seamlessly blends artistry and engineering to elevate everyday interactions." The GIF inside the press-release reveals what looks like the Galaxy Z Fold7 (or the Galaxy Z Fold7 Ultra, if that exists). Rumors have indicated that this year's Galaxy Z Fold7 is getting taller and wider than last year's model, thanks to a bigger display. The Z Fold7 could also feature a titanium backplate to not only reduce its thickness and make it stronger but to shed some weight as well. The company then directs the attention to its AI features such as voice controls for finding the perfect eatery or shopping place, using powerful AI-powered camera features, and so on. We will get to know more about the devices in the coming weeks. By that time, let us know your thoughts, on whether you would like an Ultra foldable or want Samsung to tweak the existing model and keep the space less-crowded.
    • A couple of friends of mine have been building Gunpla for years and got me interested, so I asked and they recommended this as a fairly good quality, very affordable, starting point. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BGN9K1MV It was fun to build, didn't take too long, and helped me decide if I wanted to go further with the hobby, which I did.  Still only got this one built, but that's only due to time availability!
    • I've had an original, a Lite, and an OLED and I have just one question for you.  How big are your hands? I got rid of all three because, simply put, they're sized for kids hands more than anything, especially the Lite.  The Switch 2 is a fair bit larger but I'm not agreeing to Ninty's new EULA for the thing.
    • Where does he say that he'll give 99% to Africa? I agree that he said that he'll give 99% of his wealth, and you quote him saying that the majority will go to Africa. The majority of 99% does not mean all of the 99%. It could mean that he'll give just above half of that.
  • Recent Achievements

    • Week One Done
      Leonard grant earned a badge
      Week One Done
    • One Month Later
      portacnb1 earned a badge
      One Month Later
    • Week One Done
      portacnb1 earned a badge
      Week One Done
    • First Post
      m10d earned a badge
      First Post
    • Conversation Starter
      DarkShrunken earned a badge
      Conversation Starter
  • Popular Contributors

    1. 1
      +primortal
      260
    2. 2
      snowy owl
      158
    3. 3
      +FloatingFatMan
      145
    4. 4
      ATLien_0
      140
    5. 5
      Xenon
      131
  • Tell a friend

    Love Neowin? Tell a friend!