Recommended Posts

// Project: Version - Windows 95

// Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include

#include

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity

library */

#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship

another_beta_version

void main()

{

if (latest_window_version>one month_old)

{

if (there_are_still_bugs)

market (bugfix);

if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}

while(everyone_chats_about new version)

{

/* Standard Call, in lie.h */

make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);

if (rumours_grow_wilder)

make_false_promise(it_will_be_plugn_play);

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

{

market_time ripe;

say("It will be ready in one month);

order(programmers,

stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

order(programmers,

start_brainstorm_about_new_version);

order(marketingstaff,

permission_to_spread_nonsense);

vapourware TRUE;

break;

}

}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

{

case WHEN_WILL_lT_BE_READY:

say("It will be ready in", today+30_days, " we're

just testing");

break;

case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

say("Yes it will work");

ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

pretend(there_is_no_problem);

break;

case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE REQUIREMENTS:

say("It will run on a 8O86 with lightning speed due to"

"the 32 bits architecture");

inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

"'cos all those customers will need at least

32 megs");

inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales "

"will triple");

get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

break;

case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

say("Oh no, we are just here to make "

"a better world for everyone");

register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

when(time_is_ripe)

{

arrest (journalist);

brainwash (journalist);

when (journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

{

order(journalist,

"write a nice objective artitle");

release (journalist);

}

}

break;

}

while (vapourware)

{

introduction_date++; /* Delay */

if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

break;

say("It will be ready in",today+ONEMONTH);

}

release (beta_version);

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

{

bills_bank_account + l5O*megabucks;

release (new_and_even_better_beta_version);

introduce (more_memory_requirements);

if (custorners_report_installation_problems)

{

say("that is a hardware problem,"

" not a software problem");

if

(smart_customer_says_you_promised_plug_and_play)

{

ignore(customer);

order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,

"Keep an eye on this *******");

}

}

if ( bills bank_account>skyhigh &&

marriage>two_years)

{

divorce (woman_that_was_beatifull_when_marrying);

wave (dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

marry (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

devirginize (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

if (boobs_start_to_hang)

dump (young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobs);

}

if (there is_another_company)

{

steal(their_ideas)

accuse(compagny, stea1ing_our_ideas);

hire(a_lot_of_lawyers) ; /* in process.h */

wait(until_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

buy_out (other_company);

}

/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware

and they are all angry at us */

order(plastic_surgeon,

make_bill_look_like_poor*******);

buy(nice_little_island);

hire(harem);

laugh_at (everyone,

of_having_the_patience_year_afterjear,

for_another_unfinished_version);

}

}

void bugfix(void)

{

charge (a_lot_of_money);

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_topay_for_bugfix)

say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

if (still_complains)

{

ignore(customer);

/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware */

register(customer, big_Bill_book);

Link to comment
https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/16775-windows-95-source-code/
Share on other sites

You know, frankly, I'm getting sick (literally, I am sick right now) and tired (also literally) of your MS bashing! Keep in mind that they're just another software company doing their best to make excellent products at reasonable (but not ridiculously low) prices. Why are they keeping their prices so high? They want to make room for competition. They are NOT a monopoly!

I hope you guys take this into consideration..

--It's not funny.

Ban me if you want.. You'll only make yourselves more ignorant.

Also, I'm not one to disagree with most "jokes". I laugh when there's reason to laugh.

Now who wants to start poking fun at Linux? :D

This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Posts

    • My kid tried, so I took her to Microcenter and showed her the differences in price as well as storage and specs. We bought a Windows machine. She loves it, and is off to college this fall with her gaming level windows laptop at the price of a Mac that came with a 512GB SSD, and half the RAM.
    • Hasleo Backup Suite Free 5.4.2.1 by Razvan Serea Hasleo Backup Suite Free is a free Windows backup and restore software, which embeds backup, restore and cloning features, it is designed for Windows operating system users and can be used on both Windows PCs and Servers. The backup and restore feature of Hasleo Backup Suite can help you back up and restore the Windows operating systems, disks, partitions and files (folders) to protect the security of your Windows operating system and personal data. The cloning feature of Hasleo Backup Suite can help you migrate Windows to another disk, or easily upgrade a disk to an SSD or a larger capacity disk. System Backup & Restore / Disk/Partition Backup & Restore Backup Windows operating system and boot-related partitions, including user settings, drivers and applications installed in these partitions, which ensures that you can quickly restore your Windows operating system once it crashes. Viruses, power failure, or other unknown reasons may cause data loss, so it is a good habit to regularly back up the drive that stores important files, you can at least recover lost files from the backup image files in the event of a disaster. System Clone / Disk Clone / Partition Clone Migrate the Windows operating system from one disk to another SSD or larger disk without reinstalling Windows, applications and drivers. Clone entire disk to another disk and ensure that the contents of the source disk and the destination disk are exactly the same. Clone a partition completely to the specified location on the current disk or another disk and ensure that the data will not be changed. File Backup & Restore Back up specified files(folders) instead of the entire drive to another location to protect your data, so you can quickly restore files(folders) from the backup image files when needed. Incremental/Differential/Full Backup Different backup modes are supported, you can flexibly choose data protection schemes, which can improve backup performance and save storage space while ensuring data security. Delta Restore Delta restore uses advanced delta detection technology to check the changed blocks on the destination drive and restore only the changed blocks, so it has a faster restore speed than the traditional full restore. Universal Restore This feature can help us restore the Windows operating system to computers with different hardware and ensure that Windows can work normally without any hardware compatibility issues. Hasleo Backup Suite 5.4.2.1 changelog: The program crashes when sending emails Application notifications cannot be displayed in the Windows Notification Center Updated Italian and German translations Fixed other minor bugs Download: Hasleo Backup Suite 5.4.2.1 | 33.9 MB (Freeware) Links: Hasleo Backup Suite Website | Hasleo Backup Suite Guide | Screenshot Get alerted to all of our Software updates on Twitter at @NeowinSoftware
    • 99% of Control Panel will be moved to Settings. Then by 2050, 20% of settings will have been moved to the Configuration Menu. I have no issues with Settings as it exists now in Windows 11. Bring everything over and be done with it.
    • We collect the few carcasses we get (as long as drivers report them, as they should) and while we have our fair share, we don't have nearly enough crashes with deer "to paint the roads with deer carcasses" in Finland. Also, if you can't handle the risks, DO NOT DRIVE. I really don't want everything to be so simple and stupid, that I don't have to worry about my surroundings (I also hate Apple devices because they kind of decide everything for you and offer very little customization vs. Android). Most people probably encounter much higher risks and dangers in their daily jobs than they encounter on roads. Just a few weeks ago I twisted my anckle at work while walking and I haven't had even a near miss with an animal in traffic for many years despite driving something like 27000+ km/year (there were a couple of off years in there too) and seeing many deer, a few moose and many smaller creatures on the road. I find it extremely rare to have deer stumble directly in front of me - it happens, but in my opinion not nearly enough to warrant considering it super dangerous (I actually find it exhilarating when it does happen as it changes the daily commute and it actually requires me to stay focused). It is probably more common to have some idiot with their face glued to their phone wonder in front of you or a kid on an electric scooter disregard all traffic rules. Here in the Nordics we also have plenty of snow and that kind of f's up anything that relies on lines or other clear lane indicators. The one time I have (kind of) started raging while driving was when I had a loan car from service and it had lane guidance. That freaking thing basically felt like it wanted to hit every pothole and bump it could and I really, really freaking hated it (came close to ripping the whole steering wheel of, I tell you . Didn't feel safer at all, quite the contrary, and it distracted me from the road more than anything else I've driven before, constantly fighting that f'ing thing to go where I wanted it to go (no clear lines, a crack in the pavement, etc. and it became confused as hell and required more adjusting than any traditional car). Also noteworthy that globally the amount of people with driver's licenses is pretty low (like under 20 %), many countries have great public transport systems and many walk and cycle (even during the winter).
    • The snipping tool has come a long way. Every feature they add reduces the need for third-party utilities; in the past it seemed MS shied away from adding features to some in-box tools just so there would be a more robust third-party developer base. Now that we finally have boxes, circles and arrows, can they finally add text bubbles?
  • Recent Achievements

    • Week One Done
      BlakeBringer earned a badge
      Week One Done
    • Week One Done
      Helen Shafer earned a badge
      Week One Done
    • First Post
      emptyother earned a badge
      First Post
    • Week One Done
      Crunchy6 earned a badge
      Week One Done
    • One Month Later
      KynanSEIT earned a badge
      One Month Later
  • Popular Contributors

    1. 1
      +primortal
      660
    2. 2
      ATLien_0
      266
    3. 3
      Michael Scrip
      235
    4. 4
      Steven P.
      164
    5. 5
      +FloatingFatMan
      151
  • Tell a friend

    Love Neowin? Tell a friend!