Should I befriend my ex-wife on Facebook?

[Thunderbuck]

I am in my second marriage. It has been a tremendous success on pretty much every level you could ask, and (to my mind, anyway) validates the notion that most people should put off marriage until they're over 30. My wife is my best friend, we raise two completely awesome daughters, and I can honestly say that this relationship has given me the chance to grow and change in ways I might never have found with anyone else. I am very happy where I am, and have no intention of changing it.

My first marriage was difficult. My ex-wife and I were together for about 5 years. We fought pretty much constantly. Came close to killing each other a few times. There was a great deal that I contributed to the difficulties, to be sure, but what finally made me leave her was that she was a) a pathological liar and b) unwilling to get help.

I have harbored no romantic (or sexual) interest in my ex-wife whatsoever since our split in 1989. (Wow... was that really 20 years ago? Wow...). Even so, she was an important part of my life for a good while, and I still cared about her general welfare. And, yes, I actually liked her. I'd seen an obituary for her mother many years ago, and I heard through a distant connection that she'd had a significant falling-out with her father. I knew her life had changed significantly.

I was in a nostalgic mood yesterday, and searched for a few old names from my history on Facebook. When I ran a search on my ex-wife, she did, indeed, turn up (the last time I tried it was probably a couple of years ago). Her photo suggested she was still her old, nerdy self, though she might have lost some weight. I was also kind of touched that she'd hyphenated her maiden name with my name, and had kept it in that fashion. That was absolutely all that was on her profile.

I'm tempted to add her as a friend, but I'm in no hurry. I want to think carefully about re-establishing any kind of contact. I've told my wife about what I found, and I won't proceed without discussing it with her more thoroughly.

Not looking for advice here, exactly, but this is a kind of an interesting Internet social artifact that I thought might be worth discussing.

[null_]

I wouldn't. She's likely to send you a message in return asking why you're adding her and overall being hostile -- at least, that's my experience with attempting to befriend an ex via Facebook.

[jonhapimp]

No or hell no

from my experience of myself and everybody around me, it's not a good idea, she may think there is still some connection since you found her

[argonite]

Try it. It's not like facebook is a serious romantic platform anyway. Taking a facebook connection as anything close to a real world connection is very well beyond normal usage of the site. Hell, most of the people on my list are people I barely know.

Edited August 2, 2009 by billyea

[ring0]

i know nothing about you, this is probably the worst idea that you've ever had in your entire life. seriously.

[Ash]

i know nothing about you, this is probably the worst idea that you've ever had in your entire life. seriously.

Exactly. Plus consider what your current wife would think if she were to find out.

[Adster01]

Most definitely not.

[leesmithg]

No or hell no

from my experience of myself and everybody around me, it's not a good idea, she may think there is still some connection since you found her

Exactly, they are ''ex'' for a reason.

If you pass in a street then it's polite to smile and say 'hello'.

If you have children and they live with her and you go take them out then it's polite also to have conversation, however, you have a new bird now so keep her sweet.

[Raa]

Let sleeping dogs lie mate. Leave it alone.

[Cyplex]

Heck NO!

[Thunderbuck]

I wouldn't. She's likely to send you a message in return asking why you're adding her and overall being hostile -- at least, that's my experience with attempting to befriend an ex via Facebook.

I'd have an easier time agreeing if she hadn't kept my name, and was using it online. Won't deny that I could be wrong, though.

No or hell no

from my experience of myself and everybody around me, it's not a good idea, she may think there is still some connection since you found her

Were it 5, or even 10 years, I'd agree completely. We are a couple of decades along at this point, though. Won't deny, she might read the wrong thing into me getting in touch, but I'd be very clear in any communication I initiated with her.

[Thunderbuck]

i know nothing about you, this is probably the worst idea that you've ever had in your entire life. seriously.

I don't blame you for snapping to that. I probably would too.

If I lived in the same city as my ex, or even within a few hundred miles, I wouldn't even entertain the thought. I agree that this could get wierd, and not in a good way.

My family is in a VERY 'out-of-the-way' locale, though. I can safely say I wouldn't have to deal with my ex from anything but a great distance.

[perochan]

ex-wife = no

ex-gf with mutual breakup = maybe... wait after a year or something

ex-gf with ****ty breakup = hell no

me and my ex's are still friends (after a year we started talking again). sometimes we talk. nothing wrong with that. we all moved on...

[Thunderbuck]

Try it. It's not like facebook is a serious romantic platform anyway. Taking a facebook connection as anything close to a real world connection is very well beyond normal usage of the site. Hell, most of the people on my list are people I barely know.

See, and that's kind of the point. If I went to all the trouble to try to track her down through "traditional" means (Private Investigator, searching phone books in the public library), then, yeah, this would look really flakey.

Does the Internet change this, though? Befriending via Facebook is just about as casual a means of contact that I can think of, and doesn't really signify anything more than I searched her name.

Does that make sense?

[Thunderbuck]

ex-wife = no

ex-gf with mutual breakup = maybe... wait after a year or something

ex-gf with ****ty breakup = hell no

me and my ex's are still friends (after a year we started talking again). sometimes we talk. nothing wrong with that. we all moved on...

After a year? How about after 20 years? I'll admit, I'm curious. Wouldn't mind catching up.

[Max Veteran]

Wait til she adds you.

[Alex_is_Axel]

what about your current wife.. what would she think about all this? Wouldn't she automatically assume you want to rekindle an old flame? Is it worth potentially ruining your current marriage over a bit of curiosity?

Maybe im thinking too deeply about this kinda thing if so, ignore me :p but thats something i would think about if i was in the situation. If your happy the way you are now, theres no point changing it :p just my 2 cents

[tiagosilva29]

Do it! You know you want to.

[SiCKX]

The answer is no,but you won't resist temptation and will try contact regardless of any negative posts here. :D

[Thunderbuck]

what about your current wife.. what would she think about all this? Wouldn't she automatically assume you want to rekindle an old flame? Is it worth potentially ruining your current marriage over a bit of curiosity?

Maybe im thinking too deeply about this kinda thing if so, ignore me :p but thats something i would think about if i was in the situation. If your happy the way you are now, theres no point changing it :p just my 2 cents

Won't do anything on this without my wife knowing about it. Not trying to "rekindle" anything.

[x-scratch]

i wouldnt you & your ex were always were fighting your happy with your current wife whos your future just dont hit the ad button

[NightmarE D]

I'd wait and see what your new wife says, but if it's been years since you haven't seen or heard from her and there's no connection like children with her, I'd just let it go if it were me.

Once sent an ex a hello/catch up on things message on MySpace a while back and that turned into a whole bunch of drama because of her jealous/controlling boyfriend checking her messages. All I said was "Just wanted to say hello and see how you've been". The guy flipped out :rolleyes:

You just never know what could happen by just saying "hello"

[curme]

From this month's WIRED:

Ignore Your Ex on Facebook

Imagine you're Tom Cruise. (Yes, it's frightening, but just play along.) You log onto Facebook, and, uh-oh, there's a friend request from one Nicole Kidman. You'd like to accept?despite a messy breakup, you're on cordial terms?but what would Katie say?

What you need here is a touch of game theory. This rarefied body of knowledge plays a role in many academic disciplines, but it can also keep an old flame from torching your current love life.

Consider how the actions available to you could play out: If you reject Nicole's request, you might **** her off, but Katie will be fine with it. That is, you forgo an addition to your network, but you lose nothing and retain a loved one's goodwill.

On the other hand, if you accept the request, you gain one friend and possibly others as you reenter Nicole's circle. And if all goes well, Katie won't mind; you'll score points without losing any.

But there's another outcome: You accept and Katie goes ballistic. You gain a friend, but you upset your spouse. Moreover, the impact could ripple through your network, driving away other friends. Damn!

If you're smooth enough to put Katie at ease ahead of time, you might pull it off. But if you screw up, it could be an epic fail. Clearly, the safest course is to snub Nicole.

If you find yourself replaying this game?look, a friend request from Mimi Rogers!?you can take it to the next level by assigning probabilities based on how you imagine Katie might react. Of course, that takes higher math. We know: It's complicated.

WIRED

[Thunderbuck]

From this month's WIRED:

LOL... creepy, but effective. Definitely gives food for thought...

[Steven P. Administrators]

Life is a very rocky and winding path. If you can accept that you needed the relationship with your ex wife in order to "move on" in life, then you won't be doing yourself any favors by bringing it back into your life in any fashion.

I think I'd be worried if my ex wife was still using my surname after 20 odd years, it kinda shows that she really hasn't been able to move on herself.

You'd be opening a can of worms.