Should I befriend my ex-wife on Facebook?

By Thunderbuck
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Grand Master

_bobcat_ Veteran

Posted
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Posted

Hmm another way to look at the name thing is that after five years of using it, it became her name as much as his. It could mean something, but I've known of others who kept their married names after divorce and certainly didn't want their husbands back. Changing documents and your identity is not exactly trivial.

Personally I do think you should stay away from her. Facebook (and the internet as a whole) is an artificial means of keeping in touch with people that 20 or 50 years ago would have quietly and naturally disappeared from your life. It's one thing to add friends from years ago, but I think ex's, especially an ex spouse, should be left well alone unless you happened to maintain some open friendship throughout the years, which the people currently in your life will be used to.

Another thing I thought is this .. so you add her, you catch up .. then what? Do you leave her on your friends list for anyone to see? .. not just your current wife, but friends and family that you may have now or may add in future. What about if your daughters sign up in a few years and see her on there?

Or.. do you delete her? Sending mixed, hostile signals to her and anyone else that noticed her addition and removal. Either action will be seen to be "significant" and people will take it differently no matter what you do. In general I think it is better avoid an awkward situation before it happens.. if you needed her in your life she would be there without Facebook.

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Arrakiv

Posted
Posted

You know, if you do end up adding her, I'm going to be all kinds of curious about what actually happens as a result of that.

Other than that? I have ex-girl friends on Facebook, but most of my break ups have been, I don't know, graceful? Ending a marriage, more so like what you said though, doesn't sound like it would have been all that graceful at all, though.

20 years is a long time, and it isn't like she can somehow seriously hurt you through the Internets - granted, you might have your address and stuff there, but...

Anyway, there's a good chance nothing good will come out of it.

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Thunderbuck

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Hmm another way to look at the name thing is that after five years of using it, it became her name as much as his. It could mean something, but I've known of others who kept their married names after divorce and certainly didn't want their husbands back. Changing documents and your identity is not exactly trivial.

Personally I do think you should stay away from her. Facebook (and the internet as a whole) is an artificial means of keeping in touch with people that 20 or 50 years ago would have quietly and naturally disappeared from your life. It's one thing to add friends from years ago, but I think ex's, especially an ex spouse, should be left well alone unless you happened to maintain some open friendship throughout the years, which the people currently in your life will be used to.

Another thing I thought is this .. so you add her, you catch up .. then what? Do you leave her on your friends list for anyone to see? .. not just your current wife, but friends and family that you may have now or may add in future. What about if your daughters sign up in a few years and see her on there?

Or.. do you delete her? Sending mixed, hostile signals to her and anyone else that noticed her addition and removal. Either action will be seen to be "significant" and people will take it differently no matter what you do. In general I think it is better avoid an awkward situation before it happens.. if you needed her in your life she would be there without Facebook.

I'm sorry I don't have some kind of prize to give for overall thoughtfulness :)

I've slept on it. Not gonna go there.

Grand Master

game_over

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've not read all 3 pages so i don't know if this has been said but, if she has a profile with nothing on it like you suggested then she probably only signed up to look you up... of course, whether your profile is private or not will determine if she's actually had a chance to look.

I have been in a similar situation with previous partners, one in particular was still sending cards and was having random visits to my family, my currently partner did not like this at all and did lead to problems, even after talks and being totally honest it was clear the only solution was to totally rid of my ex. I think most woman will feel this way whether they show it or not, so if you don't want to cause your current wife any heartache then i wouldn't bother adding her.

Edited by forcer
Mentor

OOOOOOOO

Posted
Posted

There are zero reasons to add her.

You have a new life ... you moved on. Keep it that way. Your new wife, regardless of what she says will probably feel a pang of upset if you do add her. Jeez, it's an ex WIFE ... not just some random girl from college days.

I've not read all 3 pages so i don't know if this has been said but, if she has a profile with nothing on it like you suggested then she probably only signed up to look you up... of course, whether your profile is private or not will determine if she's actually had a chance to look.

That's an extremely presumptuous statement.

On Facebook, if you're not friends with someone, or even if you are, that person can limit what you can see. And your profile can appear to have no info ... but to people who are friends or chosen specifically, the profile can in fact be FULL of information.

That would be pretty arrogant of him to assume if you ask me.

Grand Master

Southern Patriot

Posted
Posted
Good thing you decided not to do it. It would've bothered your wife to no end, even if she says it doesn't bother her, rest assured it does.

That's not always a safe assumption. My current wife and I have hung out with my ex-wife and her current boyfriend a couple of times. My ex and I even did karaoke. The really funny thing was that we each chose songs that sort of described the situation: she sang "You oughta know" by Alanis Morissette, and I sang "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. Neither of us knew what the other was going to sing. Everyone had a good laugh about that!!

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