Disorder in the American Courts

By ill
in Jokes & Funny Stuff

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ill

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*These quotes are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts",

and are things people _actually said in court _, word for word, taken

down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of

staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. .*

*____________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?*

*WITNESS **: Yes.*

*ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?*

*WITNESS **: I forget.*

*ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?***

*___________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"*

*WITNESS **: Did you actually pass the bar exam?***

*____________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?*

*WITNESS **: He's twenty, much like your IQ.*

*______________________________________________________________**______*

*ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?*

*WITNESS **: Are you ****ting me?***

*____________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?*

*WITNESS **: Yes.*

**

*ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?*

**

*WITNESS **: Getting laid!!*

*___________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?*

**

*WITNESS **: Yes..*

**

*ATTORNEY: How many were boys?*

**

*WITNESS **: None.*

**

*ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?*

**

*WITNESS **: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?*

*__________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?*

**

*WITNESS **: By death.*

**

*ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?*

**

*WITNESS **: Take a guess.***

*_________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?*

**

*WITNESS **: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.*

**

*ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?*

**

*WITNESS **: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.***

*_________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?*

**

*WITNESS **: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.*

*_________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?What school did you go to?*

**

*WITNESS **: Oral.*

*__________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?*

**

*WITNESS **: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.*

**

*ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?*

**

*WITNESS **: If not, he was by the time I finished.***

*_________________________________________________________________*

*ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?*

**

*WITNESS **: Are you qualified to ask that question?***

*_________________________________________________________________*

*And the best for last:*

**

*ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?*

**

*WITNESS **: **No.***

**

*ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?*

**

*WITNESS **: **No.***

**

*ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?*>

**

*WITNESS **: **No.***

**

*ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?*

**

*WITNESS **: **No.***

**

*ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?*

**

*WITNESS **: **Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar**.*

**

*ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?*

**

*WITNESS **: **Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.*

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