joke Bruce Schneier (knows you're reading this)

[Phouchg]

In case you don't know who Bruce Schneier is, these probably won't provide much entertainment. In short, he's like a Chuck Norris (or Mr. T) of computer security and here are some "facts" about him :p

• Bruce Schneier factors integers in constant time.
  
• When he was three, Bruce Schneier built an Enigma machine out of Legos.
  
• Bruce force attack finds key with the first try.
  
• Bruce Schneier once could not decrypt something. Then he woke up.
  
• Bruce Schneier uses a different salt for his soup everyday.
  
• Remember - if you ever lose your password, you can still ask Bruce Schneier.
  
• Bruce Schneier can tune an antenna by whistling the desired resonant frequency.
  
• There are two kinds of security, the one that keeps your sister out, the one that keeps the government out and the one that keeps Bruce Schneier out.
  
• Caesar's last words actually were "Et tu, Bruce?".
  
• "NP" means "No Problem" for Bruce Schneier.
  
• When you email Bruce Schneier, you don't need to press "Send".
  
• SHA = "Schneier Has Access" SHA2 = "Schneier Has Access - two, in fact".
  
• When Bruce Schneier counts, you can't predict the next number he's going to say.
  
• Bruce Schneier can tell the size of your shoes just by reading your e-mail address.
  
• All Bruce Schneier's bits are the most significant.
  
• Bruce Schneier's house has no back door.
  
• Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.
  
• If at first you don't succeed at breaking a cipher, you're not Bruce Schneier.
  
• Bruce Schneier can slam a logic gate.
  
• When Bruce Schneier decrypts the Da Vinci Code, the ending doesn't suck.
  
• Bruce Schneier whistles white noise.
  
• Bruce Schneier's skin has no pores. Pores are vulnerabilities.
  
• Bruce Schneier's name appears in EBCDIC in the output of /dev/random every time there is a full moon.
  
• The Dining Cryptographers always wait until Bruce Schneier has been served.
  
• Bruce Schneier decided the color of the Blue Box.
  
• Attempting to decrypt Bruce Schneier's cyphertext causes time dilation.
  
• Santa Claus doesn't know if Bruce Schneier has been good or bad.
  
• Bruce Schneier can break elliptic curve cryptography by bending it to a circle.
  
• Compilers don't warn Bruce Schneier, Bruce Schneier warns compilers.
  
• Bruce Schneier receives and transmits RFID with his mind.
  
• Bruce Schneier finds hash collisions by slamming two of them together.
  
• Bruce Schneier has an atomic alarm clock radio that detects stealth fighters. And has a snooze button.
  
• There is no secure e-commerce - only stuff Bruce Schneier doesn't want.
  
• Bruce Schneier's public key causes libpcap to enter an infinite malloc loop.
  
• God does not play dice with the universe. Bruce Schneier does.
  
• Bruce Schneier puts the AES in "asskicking".
  
• When Bruce Schneier decided to factor 19, five volunteered out of fear, twice.
  
• Bruce Schneier instantly knows the amount of Jelly Beans in a jar.
  
• Bruce Schneier puts the "cry" in your "cryptography".
  
• Bruce Schneier watches BluRay movies just by looking at the disk.
  
• Bruce Schneier knows Victoria's Secret.
  
• Bruce Schneier doesn't use anonymizers. He just accesses sites from your computer.
  
• Bruce Schneier doesn't use "Baby Step, Giant Step" to find discrete logarithms. He uses "Bruce Step" and finds the answer in constant time.
  
• Bruce Schneier doesn't need a radio. He just listens to 'cat /dev/random >/dev/audio'.
  
• The only fully secure symmetric cryptosystem is Bruce Schneier looking in a mirror.
  
• Bruce Schneier feeds Schr?dinger's cat on his porch. Without opening the box.
  
• Generating driving directions to Bruce Schneier's house is an NP-Complete problem.
  
• Bruce Schneier knows your password before you do.
  
• Bruce Schneier knows where J. Random lives.
  
• Bruce Schneier does not tie his shoes, he encrypts them.
  
• Bruce Schneier counts to infinity. In complex numbers.
  
• Bruce Schneier reads Slashdot with an oscilloscope.
  
• Holy Grail is neither a cup nor bloodline of Jesus. It's Bruce Schneier's private key.
  
• Bruce Schneier can bend titanium alloy into a Penrose triangle.
  
• Bruce Schneier drinks from a Klein Bottle.
  
• Bruce Schneier is the root of all certificates.
  
• Bruce Schneier knows Chuck Norris' private key.
  
• Bruce Schneiers' favorite bedtime story is the Voynich Manuscript.
  
• Bruce Schneier built his entire house out of Euler Bricks with integer space diagonals.
  
• Bruce Schneier can recover hard drives erased with Gutmann method using his wrist watch.
  
• Bruce Schneier can recite pi. Backwards.
  
• Bruce Schneier solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time, but hasn't published it because he doesn't like salesmen.
  
• The last cryptologist who questioned Bruce Schneier was found floating face down in his own entropy pool.
  
• Removed this fact, it's kind of objectionable [bruce Schneier]
  

Edited by Bruce Schneier, Yesterday, 23:14.

[Japlabot]

Nice ending :)