Bruce Schneier (knows you're reading this)


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In case you don't know who Bruce Schneier is, these probably won't provide much entertainment. In short, he's like a Chuck Norris (or Mr. T) of computer security and here are some "facts" about him :p

  • Bruce Schneier factors integers in constant time.
  • When he was three, Bruce Schneier built an Enigma machine out of Legos.
  • Bruce force attack finds key with the first try.
  • Bruce Schneier once could not decrypt something. Then he woke up.
  • Bruce Schneier uses a different salt for his soup everyday.
  • Remember - if you ever lose your password, you can still ask Bruce Schneier.
  • Bruce Schneier can tune an antenna by whistling the desired resonant frequency.
  • There are two kinds of security, the one that keeps your sister out, the one that keeps the government out and the one that keeps Bruce Schneier out.
  • Caesar's last words actually were "Et tu, Bruce?".
  • "NP" means "No Problem" for Bruce Schneier.
  • When you email Bruce Schneier, you don't need to press "Send".
  • SHA = "Schneier Has Access" SHA2 = "Schneier Has Access - two, in fact".
  • When Bruce Schneier counts, you can't predict the next number he's going to say.
  • Bruce Schneier can tell the size of your shoes just by reading your e-mail address.
  • All Bruce Schneier's bits are the most significant.
  • Bruce Schneier's house has no back door.
  • Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.
  • If at first you don't succeed at breaking a cipher, you're not Bruce Schneier.
  • Bruce Schneier can slam a logic gate.
  • When Bruce Schneier decrypts the Da Vinci Code, the ending doesn't suck.
  • Bruce Schneier whistles white noise.
  • Bruce Schneier's skin has no pores. Pores are vulnerabilities.
  • Bruce Schneier's name appears in EBCDIC in the output of /dev/random every time there is a full moon.
  • The Dining Cryptographers always wait until Bruce Schneier has been served.
  • Bruce Schneier decided the color of the Blue Box.
  • Attempting to decrypt Bruce Schneier's cyphertext causes time dilation.
  • Santa Claus doesn't know if Bruce Schneier has been good or bad.
  • Bruce Schneier can break elliptic curve cryptography by bending it to a circle.
  • Compilers don't warn Bruce Schneier, Bruce Schneier warns compilers.
  • Bruce Schneier receives and transmits RFID with his mind.
  • Bruce Schneier finds hash collisions by slamming two of them together.
  • Bruce Schneier has an atomic alarm clock radio that detects stealth fighters. And has a snooze button.
  • There is no secure e-commerce - only stuff Bruce Schneier doesn't want.
  • Bruce Schneier's public key causes libpcap to enter an infinite malloc loop.
  • God does not play dice with the universe. Bruce Schneier does.
  • Bruce Schneier puts the AES in "asskicking".
  • When Bruce Schneier decided to factor 19, five volunteered out of fear, twice.
  • Bruce Schneier instantly knows the amount of Jelly Beans in a jar.
  • Bruce Schneier puts the "cry" in your "cryptography".
  • Bruce Schneier watches BluRay movies just by looking at the disk.
  • Bruce Schneier knows Victoria's Secret.
  • Bruce Schneier doesn't use anonymizers. He just accesses sites from your computer.
  • Bruce Schneier doesn't use "Baby Step, Giant Step" to find discrete logarithms. He uses "Bruce Step" and finds the answer in constant time.
  • Bruce Schneier doesn't need a radio. He just listens to 'cat /dev/random >/dev/audio'.
  • The only fully secure symmetric cryptosystem is Bruce Schneier looking in a mirror.
  • Bruce Schneier feeds Schr?dinger's cat on his porch. Without opening the box.
  • Generating driving directions to Bruce Schneier's house is an NP-Complete problem.
  • Bruce Schneier knows your password before you do.
  • Bruce Schneier knows where J. Random lives.
  • Bruce Schneier does not tie his shoes, he encrypts them.
  • Bruce Schneier counts to infinity. In complex numbers.
  • Bruce Schneier reads Slashdot with an oscilloscope.
  • Holy Grail is neither a cup nor bloodline of Jesus. It's Bruce Schneier's private key.
  • Bruce Schneier can bend titanium alloy into a Penrose triangle.
  • Bruce Schneier drinks from a Klein Bottle.
  • Bruce Schneier is the root of all certificates.
  • Bruce Schneier knows Chuck Norris' private key.
  • Bruce Schneiers' favorite bedtime story is the Voynich Manuscript.
  • Bruce Schneier built his entire house out of Euler Bricks with integer space diagonals.
  • Bruce Schneier can recover hard drives erased with Gutmann method using his wrist watch.
  • Bruce Schneier can recite pi. Backwards.
  • Bruce Schneier solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time, but hasn't published it because he doesn't like salesmen.
  • The last cryptologist who questioned Bruce Schneier was found floating face down in his own entropy pool.
  • Removed this fact, it's kind of objectionable [bruce Schneier]

icon_warning.png Edited by Bruce Schneier, Yesterday, 23:14.

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