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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
‘Oh, my goodness’ said the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
‘That would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
I watched a great movie about databases last night -- I can't wait for the SQL.
A guy goes to the US Postal Service to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points!! Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the ###### out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."