Windows 95 Source Code

By pluggz
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pluggz

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i came across this, thought it was funny :D




Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***

Project:  Version - Windows 95



Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):



#include 

#include 

#include  /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */

#include  /* For the court of law */



#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version



void main()

{

  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)

  {

    if (there_are_still_bugs)

      market(bugfix);

    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);

  }

  while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)

  {

    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in

                                                    lie.h */

    if (rumours_grow_wilder)

      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

    {

      market_time=ripe;

      say("It will be ready in one month);

      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);

      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);

      vapourware=TRUE;

      break;

     }

  }

  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

  {

     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:

       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");

       break;

    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

       say("Yes it will work");

       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

       pretend(there_is_no_problem);

       break;

     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

       say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"

           " the 32 bits architecture");

       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"

              "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");

       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");

       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

       break;

     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for

            everyone");

       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

       when(time_is_ripe)

       {

         arrest(journalist);

         brainwash(journalist);

         when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)

         {

           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");

           release (journalist);

         }

       }

       break;

   }

   while (vapourware)

   {

     introduction_date++; /* Delay */

     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

       break;

     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

  }

  release(beta_version)

  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

  {

    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;

    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);

    introduce(more_memory_requirements);

    if (customers_report_installation_problems)

    {

      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");

      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

      {

        ignore(customer);

        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this

                                              *******");

      }

    }

    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )

    {

      divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);

      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

      if (boobies_start_to_hang)



        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);

    }

    if (there_is_another_company)

    {

      steal(their_ideas);

      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);

      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */

      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

      buy_out(other_company);

    }

  }

  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at

     us */

  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_*******);

  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

  laugh_at(everyone,

for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}





void bugfix(void)

{

  charge (a_lot_of_money)

  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

  if (still_complaints)

  {

    ignore(customer);

    register(customer, big_Bill_book);

    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

  }

}

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pluggz

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windows 98 source code


/*

    Top Secret Microsoft© Code

    Project: Windows 98

*/



#include "win31.h"

#include "win95.h"

#include "evenmore.h"

#include "oldstuff.h"

#include "billrulz.h"

#define INSTALL = HARD



char make_prog_look_big[1600000];



void main()

{

    while(!CRASHED)

    {

        display_copyright_message();

        display_bill_rules_message();

        do_nothing_loop();

        if (first_time_installation)

        {

            make_50_megabyte_swapfile();

            do_nothing_loop();

            totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

            search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

            hang_system();

         }

            write_something(anything);

            display_copyright_message();

            do_nothing_loop();

            do_some_stuff();

            if (still_not_crashed)

            {

              display_copyright_message();

              do_nothing_loop();

              basically_run_windows_3.1();

              do_nothing_loop();

              do_nothing_loop();

              }

          }



          if (detect_cache())

              disable_cache();



          if (fast_cpu())

          {

              set_wait_states(lots);

              set_mouse(speed, very_slow);

              set_mouse(action, jumpy);

              set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

          }



          /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */

          /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */

          printf("Welcome to Windows 98");

          if (system_ok())

               crash(to_dos_prompt);

          else

              system_memory = open("a:swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);



          while(something)

          {

              sleep(5);

              get_user_input();

              sleep(5);

              act_on_user_input();

              sleep(5);

          }

create_general_protection_fault();

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