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So there's this poor little Irish family - a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son.
They live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive.
So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn.
So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself.
So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He sees that his father and the cow are dead, and then he goes down to the river and sees that his mother is dead. So, you know, he's not having a great day so far. But then he meets a lady leprechaun down by the river, and she decides to make him an offer. She tells him, "If you can make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow."
So the 26-year-old considers it, and he thinks, "yeah, I'm young, I can probably do this". So he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails, and then the leprechaun kills him, too.
So then the 21-year-old son wakes up. Cow's dead, father's dead, mother's dead, brother's dead. So, not a great day so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she gives him an offer, too, saying, "If you can make love to me 20 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, and I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion."
And the 21-year-old considers it. Like his brother, he also thinks himself young and capable -- so he accepts her offer, and he tries, and he fails. And the leprechaun kills him, too.
So then, finally, the 18-year-old son wakes up. Everyone in his family is dead. So, not a great morning so far. But he also meets the lady leprechaun, and she also gives him an offer -- "If you can make love to me 40 times in a row without stopping, I'll use my leprechaun magic to bring back everyone who died, including the cow, I'll transform the tiny cottage you live in into a mansion, and I'll grant you one more wish -- and it can be anything you want."
But the 18-year-old son stops and says, "Wait? 40 times in a row? That might not be a good idea. I mean, are you sure you'll even survive that?
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'." "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!" "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“I'm a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."
My court date has been set for Friday...