[Official] Batman: Arkham Asylum

[Massiveterra]

perfect perfect perfect review by yahtzee

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/vie...n-Arkham-Asylum

ATTN DIRTY LARRY

[DrunknMunky Veteran]

Lots of nitpicking over a perfectly good game.

Not one of his best, at least terms of humour anyway. But that's because the game is so good he can barely pick on anything wrong with it.

[+Audioboxer Subscriber²]

perfect perfect perfect review by yahtzee

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/vie...n-Arkham-Asylum

ATTN DIRTY LARRY

Low on laughs, but high on "woah nicely done"

The Neowin kiddie police filter will probably censor half of this :p

In the tumultuous time before D-Day

There once was a man named BJ

With 'chocolate box' hair

And a face like a bear

And a jacket he picked up on eBay

He was out one day murdering Germans

As they tried to enact London's Burnin'

He beat up some dudes

And broke missile tubes

So their boat got blown up - that'll learn 'em!

But while there he made the discovery

That the Nazis had powers like no otherey

He brought back a bangle

With some mystical angle

To which the Allies responded, "OH BUGGERY"

At the Secret Service Of Queen Lizzie

BJ's bosses find themselves in a tizzy

So they stand up and shout

"BJ, SORT THIS ALL OUT

WE'D DO IT OURSELVES, BUT WE'RE BUSY"

So he's sent to a big german town

Where some serious ****'s going down

There's an active Resistance

In need of assistance

And everything's gone greyish brown

It soon becomes clear that the city

Has been invaded by occult committees

Mystical preachers

And slavering creatures

And gymnasts with stonking great titties

You may wonder if this is a sequel

To some past Wolfenstein or a prequel

Depicting our hero

In a previous era

When he wasn't looked upon as an equal

It's actually meant to succeed

Return To Castle Wolfenstein's lead

Which is pretty damn slow

Because that was eight years ago

And the memories have gone stale indeed

The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthrall

With an ongoing high-octane brawl

But it's a game about war

That we've all seen before

And that - just like the title - adds **** all

Any pretence of freshness is gone

At the very outset of stage one

You escape your pursuers

Via underground sewers

So we start as we mean to go on

Your gun is of course your best friend

On which you must always depend

When you get into fights

You can look down the sights

And bullets come out of the end

Weapon choice doesn't start too exciting

Two machine guns, a rifle for sniping

But later on, BFGs

Coming with guarantees

To shoot various flavours of lightning

There are soldiers all over the place

Who can't take two shots to the face

But before you pour scorn

They always re-spawn

At a pretty disquieting pace

You don't need to worry about health

If you're retarded and lousy at stealth

Just get behind cover

If you're in a bother

And it'll all come back by itself

It won't help you avoid the bum-rape

Later on, when you get into scrapes

With powerful blasters

And big armoured *******

With weak-points the size of a grape

To help out, you have on your side

Magic spells - that's what crystals provide

On the appropriate cue

The world turns greenish blue

So it looks like your monitor's died

You can take down the big lads in minutes

Start a fight with ten men and still win it

Make your weapons divine

Or just use Bullet Time

(Which wasn't that great when Max Payne did it)

But the powers are hard to sustain

Your magic is too swiftly drained

In the middle of a fight

You'll end up in the ****

And will suffer a whole world of pain

And in between all of the shooting

You also must think about looting

'Cause if you wanna upgrade

Someone has to be paid

And the shopkeepers don't like freebooting

Why do all games need upgrading elements?

Even ones where it isn't quite relevant

It means all your big hitters

Start off in the ******

And your aim is infirm and inelegant

So when you've extinguished the danger

You backtrack through all of the chambers

Searching every last nook

For cash and cheque-books

Which you won't find much fun, I would wager

It transpires that the in-game reality

Has pretensions to non-linearity

The game says, "ON YOUR BIKE!

GO WHEREVER YOU LIKE!

(AS LONG AS IT'S IN THIS PRINCIPALITY..)"

But the freedom's a mere gilded cage

That adds nothing to inspire or engage

It just means beating feet

Through the same boring streets

Just to get to the next ****ing stage

There's very little to do except hunt

For secrets and money up front

But the reward's pretty lame

All the streets look the same

And the bads keep respawning, the *****

It's not a totally asinine chore

There are optional missions to score

But I went out of my way

And found to my dismay

That in total there's only like four

I guess the ultimate question is why

Should I even bother to try?

Every last NPC

Fills me with apathy

Am I expected to care when they die?

I know what you're going to say: "YAHTZEE!

YOU SLICK INTERNET PAPARAZZI

SURELY IT'S ALWAYS FUN

TO STICK THE BUTT OF A GUN

UP THE ARSE OF A GOOSE-STEPPING NAZI?"

Well if you like starting punch-ups in bars

Or your head has been lodged up your arse

Wolfenstein may give

At least some joie de vivre

But the wise don't bother. Two stars.

[DrunknMunky Veteran]

Wolfenstein review ftw, burn every copy made!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!

[+Audioboxer Subscriber²]

Wait a minute, huge **** up :p

It's because I watched both tonight, I forgot this was the batman thread hahaha. Well not really I just thought for some reason that song above was from the Batman review, when it's clearly not... ahhh I'm having an early night.

[DrunknMunky Veteran]

Yeah I noticed nub :p But I'll take another opportunity to flame the game regardless :laugh:

[+Audioboxer Subscriber²]

Yeah I noticed nub :p But I'll take another opportunity to flame the game regardless :laugh:

:laugh:

And FTR my nicely done comment was aimed at Wolfenstein review, Batman review was quite meh, but as you said Yahtzee's at his best when the games he's reviewing are genuinely bad/mediocre.

[shakey]

lol ", what do you expect from a guy who just runs around punching things or just spraying bat anti-thing spray then punching it."

[Massiveterra]

Well, I enjoyed the yahtzee review in the fact that he enjoyed the game, but found the right humor to attack the character of batman himself rather than just the game...also it reminded me of DL's nit-pick..er...review

[:: Lyon ::]

Just pre-ordered it on Steam :D Go Batman!

[curme]

I really liked the way Batman showed the wear and tear of the long night.

A ripped cape, a slashed uniform, even a five o'clock shadow! Really, a great attention to detail.

Those cats know how to make a great game.

Plus, it was long! Or rather, a lot longer than a lot of console games.

[Unrealistic]

When I saw he was reviewing it, I was curious to how he would rip it apart. For my favorite game of 2009, I think he did a great job on the review. The game is just damn good, so it is hard to force yourself to find negative things.

Now onto NFS: Shift.

[Mystical112]

Insane Night DLC should be out today right?...

[Kralik]

Mine'll come in tomorrow's mail hopefully..

[Razorwing]

Where is teh dlc?

[acnpt]

Mine'll come in tomorrow's mail hopefully..

Mine too :) , thanks to lovefilm.

[Mystical112]

Where is teh dlc?

seems live now on PSN... 116 MB download...

[Minifig]

ARGH.

I wish I had the money for this! :(

[Victor Rambo]

^Sell one of your kidney to me and buy the damn game. :laugh: :p

[Minifig]

Not sure my kidneys are worth that much Vic. :/

[G_0]

Some help needed if possible,

My roommate has this for the 360 and mine is broke but played the game and enjoyed the heck out of it. I got it for the PC so I can play but what I really want to do is the challenge levels. Does anyone know if I can download a 100% save with all challenges unlocked? I've looked but come up empty.

Cheers!

[SimplySchizo]

Im torn between this and uncharted 2 atm. I already have MW:2 on reserve and am able to grab another title. Thing is, i missed the boat on the first Uncharted title, so i may be cheating myself by getting the second.

should i just grab batman and call it a day? :D

...or wait and just get uncharted 2, even though i dont have the first?

[DirtyLarry Veteran]

Im torn between this and uncharted 2 atm. I already have MW:2 on reserve and am able to grab another title. Thing is, i missed the boat on the first Uncharted title, so i may be cheating myself by getting the second.

should i just grab batman and call it a day? :D

...or wait and just get uncharted 2, even though i dont have the first?

My vote goes for wait for Uncharted 2. One, I just think it will be the better of the two games. Two, Uncharted does have MP as well, so you will be getting a longer experience out of it for your money.

And I have fully beat Batman, I definitely liked it, but I just feel Uncharted beats it out every so slightly, nevermind it looks like Uncharted 2 is shaping up to be much better than the first. That is just my opinion, and I know some members are going to come in saying they thought Uncharted sucked, but to them I say phooey. :laugh:

And here is IGN's Video Review of Uncharted 2 to help make your decision. I am just watching it right now myself, so do not even know what they say yet...

[SimplySchizo]

My vote goes for wait for Uncharted 2. One, I just think it will be the better of the two games. Two, Uncharted does have MP as well, so you will be getting a longer experience out of it for your money.

thanks for your insight. lol yea i've seen many reviews, too many times i think. Thing is, Im not too concerned with uncharted 2's mp cause in all honesty... mw:2 will be taking up all my mp time. so i guess it comes down to the sp aspect.

im guessing the better game would be batman in my case? im afraid of cheating myself on a good story by not having the first uncharted to compliment the second.

[DirtyLarry Veteran]

thanks for your insight. lol yea i've seen many reviews, too many times i think. Thing is, Im not too concerned with uncharted 2's mp cause in all honesty... mw:2 will be taking up all my mp time. so i guess it comes down to the sp aspect.

im guessing the better game would be batman in my case? im afraid of cheating myself on a good story by not having the first uncharted to compliment the second.

Well only other thing I will add is keep in mind MP does not just mean Deathmatch, etc, with Uncharted 2, there is the CoOp Mode that lets you play with two other people in levels that compliment the SP campaign.

Also with the story, this game takes place a year after the first one, so although it may make some more sense in regards to some of the people, I do not know if it is imperative to enjoy Uncharted 2's story.

But sounds like you have your mind made up. Get Batman. It is a very good game. I just get the feeling Uncharted 2 is going to be a great game, so I personally think great is better than very good but if you have intentions of checking out Uncharted 2 later on down the road, then by all means get Batman now.