First review of "300"

[Ironman273]

Man, I want to see this:

I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated **** out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess what? You're getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:

HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a **** if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:

FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:

DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this ? IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Source

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[Veedems Veteran]

That has to be one of the worst written reviews I have ever read. Wow.

[.AlleymaN]

Thats the best "review" Ive ever read!

edit: LOL at the contrasting comments :p

[XerXis]

this is a joke right?

[scumdogmillionaire]

unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

hahahahah. that's a great visual. this guy isn't a total idiot to throw a word like sentient in there.

[Kerm]

Awesome review.

[KeR]

Brilliant review, I want this guy as my friend.

[qdave]

its pathetic, and its unprofesional. but at least its funny in a way.

[goji]

wow. that review is.... out there, but so is the movie. I can't wait!

[Yusuf M. Veteran]

Aside from the vulgarity, it's an amusing review.

[lil_psc]

cant fkn wait

now this is a real man's film

[goji]

as compared to what, the notebook? :p

[xxdesmus]

Horrible review, but I can't wait to see this movie :yes: :woot:

[Rappy Veteran]

This movie is gonna rock so much...but a funny review :laugh:

[revvo]

That has to be one of the worst written reviews I have ever read. Wow.

^ What he said.

The trailer of 300 looks good, but there was too much CG to my taste. One thing is sure, it won't beat Braveheart. God I miss the time when movies kicked ass, Gladiator too! My hope lies into 300.

[Razorwing]

SPARTANS! TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!

[+Seetheworldsecond Subscriber¹]

Im looking forward to watching "300",The Review was hilarious.

[SMELTN]

I have to say that review was hilarious.. 2 (Y)

Can't wait to see it

[Kaidiir]

Well of course it's not serious! Chill pills all around.

This movie is going to be awesome, either way. And if you're too "proper" to handle it...well whatever floats your boat.

[kevbo]

I think the title "300" refers to the fact that there is only 300 Spartans?

I can't tell if he's serious...

[Bawx]

That has to be one of the worst written reviews I have ever read. Wow.

I'm sure you can tell it was kind of sarcastic, but the guy liked it.

Looked insane in theatre previews. Like a Sin City feel.

[Kaidiir]

I think the title "300" refers to the fact that there is only 300 Spartans?

I can't tell if he's serious...

They were 300.

Against a million.

"Our arrows will blot out the sun"

"Then we shall fight in the shade!"

[ANova]

Well, my guess is that there is alot of ass kicking in the film, to the point where Arnold Schwarzenegger will look like a daisy picking woman.

[Cheshire Cat]

I've been waiting for this movie for ages and I really have to see it. I think it looks awesome :woot:

[Kev1n]

Hilarious review! :D