First review of "300"

By Ironman273
in Movie Ratings

 Share

Recommended Posts

Grand Master

Ironman273

Posted
Posted

Man, I want to see this:

I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated **** out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess what? You're getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:

HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a **** if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:

FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:

DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this ? IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

b>
Link to comment
https://www.neowin.net/forum/topic/537548-first-review-of-300/
Share on other sites
Grand Master

revvo

Posted
Posted
That has to be one of the worst written reviews I have ever read. Wow.

^ What he said.

The trailer of 300 looks good, but there was too much CG to my taste. One thing is sure, it won't beat Braveheart. God I miss the time when movies kicked ass, Gladiator too! My hope lies into 300.

This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share
Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Posts

    • Microsoft wants to end printer driver headaches with Windows Ready Print

      By Stup0t · Posted

      Can we not have paperless office, like we was promised in the 80's
    • Microsoft explains how it made Teams so much faster in 2026

      By Stup0t · Posted

      I actually laughed out loud in real life at the heading on this—whatever Microsoft is drinking, I want some of it.
    • Nvidia's GeForce NOW summer sale drops prices for Ultimate and Premium memberships

      By notta · Posted

      Yea I don't think so.
    • Euro-Office must default to ODF to be considered "genuinely European", LibreOffice argues

      By David Uzondu · Posted

      Euro-Office must default to ODF to be considered "genuinely European", LibreOffice argues by David Uzondu Euro-Office is a web-based collaborative office suite that positions itself as a "European sovereign alternative" to American tech companies, backed by a coalition of developers including Nextcloud, IONOS, Abilian, BTactic, OpenProject, and, more recently, Tuta. The project officially went live a couple of days ago, but not before drawing heavy fire from LibreOffice developers, who called the marketing claim that Euro-Office represents the "first open-source office suite developed in Europe" a deceptive historical inaccuracy because projects like OpenOffice and LibreOffice existed decades earlier. Now that the project has launched, LibreOffice is back with another complaint, arguing that Euro-Office cannot consider itself "genuinely European" while it pushes proprietary Microsoft defaults on users. Euro-Office had promised to improve the OpenDocument Format (ODF) back in April, but the current release still plagues users with several technical failures. For instance, the suite lacks an admin setting to enforce ODF, and mobile editors completely block ODF saves, forcing files into Microsoft's OOXML formats. Some configurations force files into read-only mode, while editing frequently corrupts document formatting or erases data. LibreOffice thinks that merely supporting a format as an afterthought does not make you a sovereign alternative, as file formats are the battleground where" digital sovereignty is won or lost." The road to the first stable release of Euro-Office has been quite bumpy due to an aggressive public fallout with OnlyOffice, from which the coalition originally forked the project. OnlyOffice struck back by accusing the coalition of violating copyright terms under its AGPLv3 branding requirements by stripping the original branding anyway and forking the code. Getting Euro-Office up and running is a bit wonky (at least for non-technical users), as there is no direct installer to grab off the web. The easiest way we learnt is by using Docker. First, pull the official Euro-Office image from the GitHub Container Registry: docker pull ghcr.io/euro-office/documentserver:latest Then, run the container with active ports and a secure JWT token, enabling the test environment: docker run -i -t -d -p 8080:80 --restart=always -e EXAMPLE_ENABLED=true -e JWT_SECRET=my_secure_jwt_secret ghcr.io/euro-office/documentserver:latest And finally, open a web browser and go to the following address: http://localhost:8080 If you are running this on a remote server, replace localhost with your server's IP address. You will see the Euro-Office test page, where you can create new text documents, spreadsheets, or presentations directly in the browser. Image via Euro-Office Nextcloud promises that proper standalone desktop versions and mobile apps will arrive in a future release.
    • Microsoft is bringing big performance improvements to OneDrive on Mac

      By MacDaddyAz · Posted

      It’s any of their products not just windows.

  • Recent Achievements

    • Week One Done
      FBSPL earned a badge
      Week One Done
    • One Year In
      Jim Dugan earned a badge
      One Year In
    • One Month Later
      Tommi118 earned a badge
      One Month Later
    • One Month Later
      sjbousquet earned a badge
      One Month Later
    • Week One Done
      sjbousquet earned a badge
      Week One Done

  • Popular Contributors

    1. 1
      +primortal
      486
    2. 2
      PsYcHoKiLLa
      197
    3. 3
      +Edouard
      155
    4. 4
      Steven P.
      83
    5. 5
      ATLien_0
      69
    Show More

  • Tell a friend

    Love Neowin? Tell a friend!