First review of "300"

By Ironman273
in Movie Ratings

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stogez

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Obviously written by a teenager or something. Didn't need to read it to want to see the movie. All you need is the trailer or if you're into reading, "Gates of Fire" by Pressfield.

"It's called 300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated **** out of like a million other dudes."

Shows his intelligence right there :)

Grand Master

Boffa Jones Veteran

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That has to be one of the worst written reviews I have ever read. Wow.

I have to agree. That was more or less the worst review I have ever read.

Although, I am heartened to see that a champion for people who have trouble feeding themselves likes the movie, which can only be good for the movies box office gross.

Grand Master

Hurmoth

Posted
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I don't know what the title has to do with the movie
Umm, well let's see, maybe it is about 300 Spartans that fought to the last man against Persian King Xerxes and his massive army. DUH!

What a complete idiot this guy is if he can't figure out what the title has to do with the film. :rolleyes: He even states that the film is based "about a million years ago." Idiots like this shouldn't be allowed to use the internet, seriously. Persian King Xerxes reigned 485?465 BC, that's hardly a million years ago.

Grand Master

HoochieMamma

Posted
Posted
Damn dont you guys get it? The review was supposed to be stupid and funny... at least that's what I think.

Exactlty! Some people don't have a sence of humour :no:

"but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns"

HAHAHHAHahhahaaa :rofl:

Grand Master

tiagosilva29

Posted
Posted
COOL THING ONE:

HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a **** if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

Graphic novels usually don't bring a soundtrack, so as long as it integrates well with the action, anything goes.
COOL THING TWO:

FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.

There wasn't any mini-boss or big boss in the novel (with the exception of the Immortals, and the elephants, who didn't actually fought the spartans).

Ephialtes (the deformed spartan) doesn't fight as well (at least not with the spartans).

Wizards and mutants, ninjas? That's not a shot-for-shot adaptation, in my opinion. I hope they don't screw this.

NOT SO GOOD THING:

DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

If he had seen the novel, he would know that most of the time there is a lot of spartan "dude-ity".

Oh yeah, and Xerxes was a tall, big, bold black[?] guy. I don't think that Rodrigo Santoro cuts it well there. (And he needs more piercings. Poke his skin like a turkey.)

king_of_threads.jpg

Grand Master

Boffa Jones Veteran

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Oh yeah, and Xerxes was a tall, big, bold black[?] guy. I don't think that Rodrigo Santoro cuts it well there. (And he needs more piercings. Poke his skin like a turkey.)

The thing is though, in real life he was from Iran ie. Persia at the time. So hopefully they erred towards reality.

Grand Master

Ironman273

Posted
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Well, I was hoping people would realize it's tongue-in-cheek and not an actual serious review. I think he liked the movie because of the action in it, didn't have to give it much thought and therefore brought out the more infantile side in him. His review just mirrors that state of mind. It's not supposed to be Siskel and Eibert, it's just supposed to be funny.

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