Sophos releases Klingon Anti-Virus (seriously)

Computer security company Sophos has released a version of their anti-virus software, fully translated into Klingon. Yes, Klingon, the imaginary language from Star Trek.

Apparently, Sophos has decided the Klingon Empire is a completely untapped market, and before Symantec or McAfee got the jump on them, they decided to help rid the empire of all the spyware, adware and other Tribbles troubles that plague their Windows users. Scary to think that Windows would be controlling things like cloaking devices or photon torpedoes, even scarier to think those systems could be infected with a Romulan rootkit.

According to Sophos, they've been monitoring sub-space communications in the alpha quadrant for some time now. It turns out the destruction of the battlecruiser Klothos was "a result of trying to remove VBS/PeachyPDF-A from the battle computer using M'swoN'kar after Commander Kor opened an attachment from the system S'cam-419."

As soon as Sophos found out, they knew they had to help. So they set about hiring a Klingon translator from Dallas, a member of the Klingon Language Institute, to translate all of the text in the software from English to Klingon.

For those of you who like release notes, and system requirements, here are a few of the things Klingon Anti-Virus will require:

  • it is recommended that you do not install it on Androids fitted positronic emotion-chips because when you remove the tool, the reboot may trigger a psychotic episode
  • please note this software is not compatible with the version of Microsoft .NET Framework (build 7 of version 9.0) used by Borg assimilation routines
  • Isolinear and Bioneural systems are not supported in this release
  • due to the current scarcity of 23rd and 24th Century test systems we are unable to fully substantiate the above claims
Of course, with any new piece of software there are going to be a few known issues:
  • Klingon Anti-Virus is unable to remove Rogue Nanites from the central core. To remove establish negotiation using Android or system running OS X 10.6 and deposit on nearest uninhabited moon
  • Klingon Anti-Virus is unable to remove the Tsiolkovsky Polywater Virus from carbon units (including near-simulations running on positronic hardware). Please report to the medical bay immediately.
  • Klingon Anti-Virus cannot detect or remove Iconian Root-kits without a clean boot from an uninfected device.
  • This software has compatibility issues with the version of msxml4.dll used by cloaking devices on Romulan-modded D7-class battle cruisers. Installing this software on such vessels is punishable by ordeal of Ginst'a'Ed.
If you can't read Klingon, an English version of the software and release notes are also available.

We recommend downloading a copy of this software immediately, because when Paramount finds out about it, it may not be around much longer. The software is not a full blown anti-virus that takes residence on your system. It can be used while other anti-virus scanners are installed and running. Both the Klingon and English version of the software are just "Threat Detection Tests" that allow users to scan their system to see what their current anti-virus software is missing.

Download: Klingon Anti-Virus 34MB, (from
View: KAV Homepage

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